One Man, Two Lives

I grew up as a Pastor’s Kid, so you can imagine I was taught to see the world through a very particular lens. Those around me believed that being gay was dirty, horrible, and unnatural. I was brought up to believe that gays were going to hell; they may be possessed demons; they didn’t pray enough; they had a “choice”; and that they all should be sent to "conversion therapy" camp. They just needed to pray it away.

I went to Bible College to be a Youth Pastor and soon after, I got married. I did what was expected and was in a seemly perfect marriage to a woman, yet it felt like I was watching someone else’s life play out in front of me. I was not being authentic, I was unhappy, and after 7 years, my marriage failed even though I felt like I was doing all the right things.

At this point in my life, I made a decision - I was going to live my life for myself, rather than trying to please others regardless of the outcome.

It was a tough journey as I cut everyone out of my life. This included family and friends as I had an immense fear of being rejected and this was a form of self-protection. At that time I was also struggling with my own identity and self-acceptance. My childhood beliefs of what I thought about gays were deeply embedded in me and I loathed who I really was on the inside, but time heals and I began to emerge from the darkness.

Over the coming years, I began to come out in my personal life, but I was not out at where I worked. The fear of rejection continued to consume my life. It became exhausting living this double life with my colleagues never knowing what was really happening in my personal life.

When the time came to change careers in 2005, I had the opportunity to start working at Shaw. I made the conscious decision to be my authentic self at work, regardless of the consequences.

It was extremely scary, but I was quickly surprised. I was accepted for me.

Being gay was not a big deal. I felt free, alive, and happy. The exhaustion of trying to keep things separate and being someone, I was not… was gone.

Through the love and acceptance of those at work, my friends, and a supportive partner, I faced my fear of rejection and took the initiative to connect with my family. I had not spoken to them in 6 years. Once again, I was surprised as I was accepted with open arms by my entire family.

I realized 2 years ago that I was still covering and hiding part of me from most of the world. You see I also have an invisible disability. I am neurodivergent and because of the stigma and the fear that disclosure might impact my career, I had not shared that I am dyslexic. I saw a lack of people talking about disabilities in our workplace and knew I needed to speak up.

Fear can be paralyzing, exhausting, debilitating, and lonely. I am a gay man who is also neurodivergent and I refuse to be consumed by my fear anymore. I want everyone to know that they are not alone, and they are able to be their authentic self without fear.

We all have the power to change lives for the better by just being Human and living into Empathy. Rather than feeling judged, shamed, shunned, or ignored, we should all feel seen, appreciated, accepted, respected, and valued. The world can immediately be a better and safe place for each of us.

I will no longer be silent and live hampered by fear. Those childhood voices of what I was led to believe about gays and myself are gone. It has been replaced with my passion to ensure others feel safe being their authentic selves at work, so I stand as a voice and an advocate for diversity, equity, and inclusion.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story.