No one is coming to save you: 3 ways you're hurting your own search for purpose.

It’s just past the midpoint of 2019 (can you believe it?), and I’ve yet to go to an event without being asked some type of question about my professional purpose and how I "found" it. It’s a worthwhile question for sure and I’m always happy to reflect on it. After all, in the general sense, it has been a topic of debate for aspiring professionals much longer than I’ve been alive. But, I have to say, the way the question is presented has always struck me as odd. For one, the person asking is generally trying to tell me that they are searching for purpose, which is terrific. They, however, almost never seem as excited as I am about the processes. This really confuses me, and maybe I'm finding them in a point where the search has tired them. Because the search and journey of my life have been one of the most exciting journeys, well, of my life. And I mean that; the journey of my life.  

While I try my best to give the 5-minute rundown of my journey, I find that sometimes my response falls flat without a little background. Important details, like I don’t subscribe to the idea that there is a stark division between professional purpose and personal purpose. It’s one journey, the line is blurry at best. And unless you have one of the bullshit jobs that David Graeber rants about in his book “Bullshit Jobs: A Theory,” then your job is an important part of how you will contribute to society. Trying to separate the personal self from our career is a demarcation of thinking that attempts to divide me in a way that my brain and heart, my job and myself, aren't actually divided.  

In light of all that, I figured I’d try to share my process and my thoughts on findings one’s “purpose” in a way that might be helpful to someone that is, like me, still on the journey (hopefully you are, if you are reading this!) or maybe someone that feels like maybe they have gone off the path. For me, there are three principles I use to find and refine my search for purpose.  

1. Stop limiting your search for meaning to what you’re currently “good” at. This is an early developmental mistake we need to correct.
2. Stop believing there is a single set of contributions that will make you eternally happy. The one sentence that will define you and your happiness is likely a myth and it will drive you crazy trying to discover it. You’re more complex than that.
3. Nobody is coming to save you. I don’t mean in the sense that you’re all alone and nobody cares about you. I mean that in the sense that nobody is going to hand you a purpose. You’re going to have to discover this one for yourself. Nobody is going to do it for you. If you’re expecting your best friend, your significant other, or, worst of all, your employer to define a state that will make you truly fulfilled and happy, you may be waiting a while. I, for one, don’t think it works that way. We will support you wholeheartedly while you search, but we can't do it for you.

But, before we begin diving into those, I think we should stop using the word “purpose,” as I think it confuses the question. I like the word “contribution” more. Why? Because it is inherently outward-facing, and contributing to others and the world around you is one of the most rewarding experiences we can have as humans. For most people, not all, the most rewarding things they do will be internally measured by the positive effect they have on the world around them. So if we are looking for the type of happiness that comes from a sense of unique or significant contribution, we should start with how we contribute to the world around us.

In reality, we start the journey towards our contributions when we are children. You may remember that kid back in grade school who wanted to be a doctor their whole life, grew up, and is now one of the most passionate physicians you’ve ever seen. This person is probably driven by a sense of healing, a sense to ease human suffering, disease, and the responsibility of care, and, through some heightened sense of awareness, they understood these contributions at a very young age. 

But let's pretend for a moment that you’re like me - not the kid that knew what he wanted to do since age 3. For me, there was the year I wanted to be an architect because I loved to draw and build. Then a lawyer because I like to debate. Then a fighter pilot because, well, I think someone wanted me to be one. (Alas, color blindness ruled that one out.) I was just a kid, though, and my approach to finding my future contribution was terrific in that it was iterative but alas, ultimately flawed in a major way. 

When you are a kid, you stumble upon patterns of behavior then keep those patterns throughout your adult life. Sarah K. Peck, the Executive Director of Startup Pregnant (check that out, it’s pretty stellar) once said, “We run the same loops over and over again and yet wonder why things aren't changing.” She’s exactly right. The patterns we learn, and the vantage points we learn from, we repeat, even if they don’t help us.  

So what’s the critical mistake? In all of those cases, I was trying to find purpose by looking at the skills I thought I had and trying to figure out which one of those skills would make me happy if I did them every day.

Trying to align your perceived skills with a sense of purpose based on the happiness that the repetition of those skills might bring to you is a flawed concept.

If you’re looking for a sense of purpose solely inside your existing skillset, you’ll be very lucky if you ever find it.  

For me, finding a path was definitely an iterative process. It started something like this. I went to high school during the time where computers were coming home for the first time. Gone were the days of going into the hospital where my mother worked late at night to "word process" a paper for school on an available computer. Gone were the days of ripping the dotted edges off the print outs! I loved the idea of computers and was fascinated by computer gaming. Going into college, I studied engineering. As it turns out, I didn’t like that all that much and ended up spending most of my time learning about business and...opera. Yup, opera. (I love the opera. It makes me happy. I don’t really know why and it doesn’t matter why.)  

I entered HP for software engineering (a learned skill) and ended up working mostly on the security side of things, due to the retirement of a teammate. That lead me to larger data centers, medical devices, SaaS, regulated industries, and, eventually, over 21 years in the industry, I refined my focus, slowly, to human privacy. 

If someone asks me what the purpose of my career is now, it is to help leaders build a future we can trust. It doesn’t define me, but it is my contribution. I may refine that further in years to come, but I’m on that path right now. Every day I wake up and believe in what I am doing. I have, and I am driven by, a sense of purpose larger than myself. I am devoting my career to something I believe is fundamental, important, and I can make significant contributions to. It doesn’t define everything I do or who I am, but I work towards it every day.

The second mistake we make is the idea that our contributions won't change throughout your life. You'll change. Your contributions will too. They may be iterative or transformative, but either way, they evolve. I’d also like to set the record straight and say that I don’t believe in a static concept that will define your every action. (If you’re looking for the meaning of life, it’s 42.) If you’re looking for a single sentence to define you, your career, and the legacy you will leave, well…I hope you find it. Not only do I not have any idea how you would discover and craft such a sentence, but I seriously doubt it would stay the same for your whole life. As is true in many cases, setting a goal as large as defining yourself by a single principle may stop you from taking the first steps towards that goal. And that set's you up for yet another mistake.

Purpose isn't like a set of car keys, and when we talk about them using the same language, we run the risk of guiding ourselves and those we talk to down the wrong path.

Remember, you don't actually find purpose, you develop it over time. 

Most people aren’t going to be that 3-year-old kid that grows to be a doctor. I spent 21 years traveling, learning, changing, failing, reading, tinkering, and making all sorts of mistakes that I just shake my head at now. I was arrogant at times, headstrong at times, foolish and naive at times. Worst of all, I felt entitled at times. I asked questions like, why wasn’t I being recognized when I was so “clearly” making an impact. We have to shed that kind of thinking; we have to unlearn our own psychology sometimes because it will hold us back.  It will limit our journey, our ability to iterate, our ability to learn from those around us.

So how do we begin to change our own psychological patterns? Unfortunately, there is a lot of bad advice out there. Let's take an obvious target - positive thinking! I don't know anyone that ever found their lifetime contribution by staring in the mirror and thinking happy thoughts. Positive thinking is not going to make anything happen. I’m sorry. The multi-billion dollar self-help industry is occasionally not much deeper than the 8-inch shelves at Barnes and Nobles, and this is one of those times. There are great writers and thinkers out there, but mixed in are people that think you “will” your way to success. I’m sorry to say that’s just not going to happen; it’s action (spelled: extremely hard work), not thinking about action, that makes the difference. Positive thinking is supposed to encourage thoughtful action and fortify you against inaction, not achieve results on its own. I like to think about it like this.

The universe owes you nothing. But it is providing a lot of room to explore. Take advantage of it.

Which brings us to our last discussion point. Whether you are taking action or not, and are stuck in a rut, it’s your job to unstick yourself. If you are not happy in a job, a relationship, a place, it is your job to move on. Exploration and discovery are two of your most important tasks in this life. When you explore and discover, don't be afraid of failure. You have a right to fail. If you need permission, I give you permission. Go forward. When you stop moving forward, take a risk. Even if you fail you may just unstick yourself. Ultimately, nobody is coming to save you. I’m sorry if that seems harsh, but it’s true.  It's up to you. Pull support and learning from those around you. Take refuge in the safety of your loved ones. Read, learn, and reflect. But ultimately, Tolkien had it right when he wrote, "This task was appointed to you, and if you don't find a way, no one will."

If you want to find where you belong, go to a lot of places. If you want to learn about how other people have found purpose, you need to read and consume everything you can. It’s all a journey, a long one. It will take decades to discover and refine your contributions, so get out there and start the journey.  

Most of all, remember, this is hard, take care of each other on the journey. If you see someone struggling, remind them how important it is that they stay on the path and see where it leads you. 

Read more @ www.theatomgroup.com. ATOM builds software. We perform all of our security and compliance work in house, and we have the leadership experience to make sure your organization is ready for the technology we build. At ATOM we believe in building a future we can trust. Whether it's helping regulated industries navigate complex commercial and regulatory environments or building products with hyper-growth companies, we believe experience makes all the difference. 

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