One of the Biggest Reasons Why Communication and Mental Growth is Stunted
Nick Lechnir, ACB, CPD
Vice President Education TM - Learning and Development Administrator at Optum Serve
What do you think is one of the greatest problems that people struggle with today in communications, speaking and presentations? Believe it or not, it's insecurity, fear of looking incompetent, and being ostracized from a group because of how we think and communicate.
Who doesn’t want to be accepted and feel like they belong to a group? Even loners want to belong to a family or have at least one or two close friends to confide in when they need someone.
However, you might find it challenging to be liked and trying to live within an idealistic frame of mind. What do I mean by that? I mean, you may be trying to align your thoughts and actions with your values, and then expect everyone to like or respect you for it. Well, guess what. It ain’t gonna happen.
Looking Inside for Answers
I had a shop teacher in high school. I was afraid to ask questions because every time I’d ask a question, he’d turn it back on me and say, “What do you think?” And my answer was always “Well, I don’t know what I think. That’s why I’m asking you!” I didn't want to think for myself. I wanted answers.
But what I didn’t realize at the time was that he was trying to teach me a very valuable life skill. He was trying to teach me critical thinking skills — to think on my own, and to be confident in speaking up when I had an idea.
What’s the old adage? “When you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one.”
It goes along with trying to find answers from everyone else, and not trusting your own answers. Wanting approval comes from way back in our childhood. We all wanted approval from our parents, teachers, siblings, friend, coaches, and mentors.
But when you really needed it, was it always there? Not likely. It often doesn’t happen at the right times, or it doesn’t happen at all.
And you find out eventually that people are just human. Even authority figures and guardians are looking for the same thing — answers — security. They look for approval from their partners, colleagues, spouses, and leaders.
Sometimes they get. Sometimes they don’t. They might not want to admit it, but they also struggle with insecurity and self-doubt all the time.
Insecurity can rear it’s ugly head in a variety of forms and prevent you from growing.
It may cause you to work on projects you’re not excited about. It might have you obsessing over problems and regrets that you can’t change anymore.
Alan Watts wrote a book called “The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety”. He explains that we live in an age of unprecedented anxiety. Spending all our time trying to anticipate and plan for the future and lamenting the past, we forget to embrace the here and now.
We are so concerned with tomorrow that we forget to enjoy today. Drawing from Eastern philosophy and religion, Alan Watts shows that it is only by acknowledging what we do not and cannot know that we can learn anything truly worth knowing.
In The Wisdom of Insecurity, he shows us that in order to lead a fulfilling life, we must embrace the present and live fully in the now. The unhealthy need for approval and obsession with insecurity is fueled by unhealthy emotions: guilt, shame, anger, and blame.
And none of these emotions are a healthy foundation for relationships with yourself or other people.
Happiness is Just an Illusion
Another book called “The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living” by Dr. Russ Harris explains that the way most of us go about trying to find happiness ends up making us miserable, driving the epidemics of stress, anxiety, and depression.
By clarifying your values and developing mindfulness, a technique for living fully in the present moment, ACT helps you escape insecurity and find true satisfaction in life.
If you want to live a life of purpose, you’ll need to let go of your need for always wanting and needing approval. You’ll need to be willing to follow your instincts and learn to figure things out on your own. It’s the only way to become truly self-sufficient.
Honesty is the Best Policy
If you trust yourself and the way you feel, you’ll find that the truth was always there… if you’ll be honest with yourself.
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If you must talk to someone and get some real input or perspective, have the courage to spend some time with that person and have a real conversation over coffee or lunch.
It takes practice. It also takes effort to self-care and self-love. If you truly love and respect yourself, you’ll deal with the difficulty of being honest with yourself, even if it is painful.
If you don’t face painful truths and try to correct them, you will inevitably repeat negative patterns in the future, and you can’t afford to waste time doing that.
Your time in this world will be gone in the blink of an eye. You don’t need to live in fear of what others think.
Relationships are meant to be deep, genuine, personal, and authentic.
Yes, relationships are also painful. Conflict is inevitable and it’s necessary to grow. It’s also healthy, and one of the surest ways to intimacy.
When conflict arises, the only thing you should be concerned with is getting clarity and moving one with whatever you are working on. Too many times, people think conflict means hostility, shouting, defensiveness, and abuse.
People who do that and think that way are missing the whole point.
The only way to be secure in who you are comes from believing in your convictions and values for the right reasons — because you know they are true and worth stand up for.
I may not believe in what you believe, but I can respect you for what you believe, as long as you don’t force your beliefs on me.
Stephen R. Covey once explained that abundance comes from being internally secure. When you truly believe and know who you are, then you can act with complete honesty and genuineness. You won’t come off desperate or fake.
If you don’t succeed in your truth, life will go on. You will eventually attract opportunities and relationships that resonate with someone that sees your perspective. Keep trying.
It is absolutely ridiculous when people avoid asking for advice because they don’t want to look incompetent.
Yet, research from Harvard Business School found that when you ask people for help, directions, or advice, it actually makes other people believe you’re more competent. It’s true.
Just remember:
I sincerely appreciate your interest and support. Our mission is to always provide great content in helping you learn more about critical thinking skills and critical speaking skills.
Always keep leaping forward,
NJ
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