This one is all about forgiveness…
Non-standard newsletter today. Wentwood Forest with bluebells. Lush. ??

This one is all about forgiveness…

Who to forgive, why and how?

Forgive those who do you harm.

Why?

For the simple reason that, unless you move on, you are wrapping your brain up in untold misery, carrying a shedload of extra baggage, and boosting every inflammatory marker your body possesses. That only leads to bad news further down the line - for YOU.

How do you do this?

A sincere apology is a wonderful thing to have. I don’t know about your life, but mine doesn’t always work out perfectly, so that sincere apology might just not happen.

Does that mean you don’t forgive?

Absolutely not. (For purely selfish reasons, that seems very counterintuitive…)

It just means that you proceed with Plan B and get on with forgiving, despite everything.

Allow yourself the time to wallow in whatever it is that’s gone pear-shaped. You need that time of self-indulgence – it’s permission to grieve the loss of whatever it was you’ve lost – a relationship, your self-esteem, whatever. Be a complete misery for as long as you need.

(Be warned: if you take longer than a year, people might get a tad weary of you…)

The infinitely compassionate but taker of absolutely NO BS expert in this field is Dr Fred Luskin, whose book Forgive for Good is my next read, and who advocates for this, so I’m happy to accept his advice – he’s worked with victims of the Troubles in Northern Ireland, so I think he knows what he’s talking about. Here's the link, if you're interested.

And when you've done that, crack on with the rest of your life.

Holocaust survivors have many tales of horror and suffering; they also tell of redemptive acts of forgiveness of their persecutors. Equally, Dr Luskin tells of a woman who refused point-blank, ever, to forgive the man who’d trespassed on her garden boundary with his fence by a matter of 3” or so.

Nobody is saying this is easy. But it’s definitely the best thing for your health in every sense.

Because nobody's perfect, right? Chances are, if you'd been the person who'd done the crappy thing, in that place, at that time, with that person's knowledge and understanding of themself and of life, you'd have done exactly the same thing.

Who is the most difficult person to forgive?

Yourself, in my experience.

Regret is important – it’s your brain telling you that you need to do something differently in future. Don't disrespect it; but don't wallow in it, either.

What is past is past and there is no chance of a do-over. Rumination sucks and gets you nowhere fast.

All you can do is better next time. Learn. Grow.

Here's a beautiful lyric by a master storyteller that says it all perfectly for me.

Don Henley, Heart of the Matter ??

See you next time.

Christophe Stourton

Usefully experienced Business Coach?peer2peer Board Chair (Bristol & Bath)?DEADLINOLOGY? Founder?Business Owner-Doer?Humorous challenger of ideas

10 个月

Beautiful post Lois. Forgiveness is essential and is now in alarmingly short supply. We see its paucity in the transactional nature of our relationships - "cancel culture" is the language of "never forgive". It's sadly becoming forgotten, but the most extraordinary example for me is Nelson Mandela - who forgave his persecutors of 26 years in incarceration. How difficult must that have been when every sinew was screaming revenge and you possessed all the levers to exact it. That's what led to his real freedom.

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Melanie Goodman

Accelerating the Growth & Revenue of Regulated Professionals on LinkedIn?? · CPD Accredited LinkedIn??Training & Marketing · Employee Advocacy · Profile Optimisation · Lawyer (social media policy) · 5 x Citywealth Awards

10 个月

Absolutely love this reflection! Your reminder to extend that same kindness to ourselves is so important. It's easy to be our own harshest critics, but self-compassion is a key part of growth. Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful message Lois??

Mica Allan, MA, MEd, PCC

The Communication Skills Wizard??getting you seen, heard and valued at work. ICF Coach, Licensed Career Coach, Systemic Team Coach, 1-1 and Group Programmes, Chief Colourer Inner and Honorary Viking ?

10 个月

Thoughtful and reflective this week, Lois Cliff. Not forgiving inflames us emotionally and physically. That's pretty big, isn't it? When we consider that impact it can make forgiving a more attractive option in the short and long term. My visual thinking brain leapt at the metaphor of letting things go pear shaped for a while. Feel it. Process it. And then turn the pear shape into a happier shape, strawberry shape, whatever works for you. And yes, that's a cracking Don Henley song to close with, he sings about forgiveness beautifully.

Rebecca Wilson

Drowning in Admin? Automate & Scale Your Business Without Hiring More Staff | Smarter Workflows & AI-Powered Efficiency | Automation Expert | 15+ Years in Business Ops | Business Book Lover ?? & New Mum ??

10 个月

Great newsletter. I forgive pretty quickly for this same reason. Move on. Life's too short.

Annette Richmond ??

?? Done-With You Video Training So You Can Show Up With Confidence, Boost Visibility, and Grow Your Business ??? National Speaker??AI Enthusiast ???Podcast Producer / Guest / Host ?? Rescue Dog Mom X2 ??

10 个月

So true, Lois. It reminds me of the less eloquent saying -Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. BTW, it dawns on me I never replied to your DM,. Yes I will surely give Denzel your regards, if ever I speak to him. LOL

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