On-Again, Off-Again

When we think about how romantic relationships work, we probably think about the classic trajectory: Two people meet, they form a relationship, and as time passes they decided to either stay together or break-up. Such a straightforward path certainly reflects many people’s experiences, but the search for love is often a much more convoluted, conflicted, and confusing journey.

 So I ask this question: How healthy is on-again/off-again relationship? 

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”. She unglued her eyes from the floor and said angrily, “What the hell does that mean – I love you but I’m not in love with you?”

 How was she supposed to respond to a cryptic message like that?

“I love you but I’m not in love with you.” It’s the one sentence that has ended more marriages than any other – this declaration that what was once a juicy plum of a relationship had withered on the vine.

Sometimes the person being told knew it without knowing; had been aware for some time that there wasn’t much flash in the eye anymore. Other times he or she was clueless, plodding securely along the ups and downs of couple life believing that all was well.

But the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” pronouncement is almost always the closing bell. In so saying, the speaker may be as miserable as the person to whom it’s being spoken.

Sometimes in marriages, the robust couple connection slowly starts to die, but the decline is so subtle, so gradual that neither partner notices its gasps and whimpers until it reaches its final breath. And then he or she wakes up one day to the unwelcome realization that it’s over.

Then the person to whom these words have been spoken comes to my office and asks if it’s possible to bring that stilled body of a marriage back from the grave. And, for the life of me, I wish I were skilled enough to be able to perform that feat, but know, in my heart of hearts, that once that sentence has been uttered, it’s time for mourning, not for communication skills training.

But why?

What does it mean this string of ten words that has so much power to harm?

It speaks about the lost life force of a couple – that desire to be close, to be together, the impulse for intimacy, the complicity, the sexual energy that was an essential part of falling in love in the early days of the union.

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate.    

Thank you …It describes the loss, on the part of one of at least one the partners, of the pleasure of the other’s company.

And although sometimes, the one who finds him or herself deeply disillusioned doesn’t want to feel that way, once the scales have fallen from their eyes and they realize that there is no more desire, being together becomes intolerable and the end comes quickly.

I know I’ve said this before but it breaks my heart when a couple who once experienced mutual love loses it through the demands of living, raising a family, being tired, not understanding their own or each other’s sexual needs, not tending the garden.

It’s a shame when it ends, not through selfishness or contempt, but through not heeding the fact that relationships in our world can’t sustain themselves on air. They need to be watered, fed, pruned and cared for.

One half of the pair realizes that the desire has died although he or she still cares about the other and deeply wishes there were that spark, but when desire has left, it’s next to impossible to coax is to come back.

Want to add word or two? 

And that can be sadness for the person who no longer feels the want, as well. He or she may also wish that the web of familial relationship could be preserved when the sexual love is gone.

Men in this circumstance may want to remain friends and don’t understand why that’s not possible for the woman they are leaving behind. So they say, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” not knowing where it will lead. They just don’t know what else to say.

Your comment ….?

People in on-again/off-again relationships often initially break up because of conflict, personal characteristics of the partner or self, general relationship dissatisfaction or stagnation, or wanting to date somebody else.

These break-ups typically lack the clear and open communication that characterizes the kind of negotiated farewell common in permanent break-ups .

The reunion. After the break-up, on-again/off-again couples decide to renew their relationship for any number of reasons, such as: lingering feelings, beliefs that their ex may be “the one,” missing the companionship that comes with being in a relationship, or wanting that comfort and familiarity of the relationship. Sometimes they discover it’s hard to find other dating partners out there, making them more interested in reconnecting with their ex.

In general, people in on-again/off-again relationships have a lot of doubts and disappointments about the relationship, are frustrated with the situation, and have a great deal of uncertainty about their relationship status.

How healthy is this pattern?

Some evidence suggests that a pattern of separations and reconciliations is toxic to both relationship and personal well-being.

The more frequently couples cycle back and forth between being together and being apart, the more their relationships tend to deteriorate to involve negative interactions, less satisfaction, and less commitment.

This suggests that break-ups and make-ups might add a degree of stress to an on-again relationship that isn’t present in non-cyclical relationships.

Meanwhile, break-ups are incredibly difficult, associated with psychological distress and decreased life satisfaction.

Despite the potential joy of a reunion, repeated break-ups bring a great deal of stress into a person’s life.

If we’re trying to understand whether on-again/off-again relationship is healthy, we should acknowledge that they’re not all the same.

? People who truly love you will always find a reason to stay in your life.

? If someone chooses to leave, just let him go. Never water a dead plant.

? The only person who loves you unconditionally is your mom.

? You don't need to have a friend to hangout or travel with. Enjoy your own company.

 Some evidence suggests that on-again/off-again relationships sort themselves into two primary types. The first, called the capitalized-on-transitions type, describes a couple that makes the most of changing circumstances, letting transitions serve as tests or opportunities for relationship improvement.

 For example, a break-up might allow for the growth that enables a healthy relationship after reunion. The gradual separation type engages in the on-again/off-again pattern with hopes and expectations, but ultimately this pattern gives way to a final break-up. 

Everyone can say I love you, but not everyone really means it.

Believe it when you feel it, not when you hear it.