Olympians, Autism, and a Good Tribe

I'm always amazed at how often seemingly unrelated experiences can reveal relatedness, irony, or contrast. This often occurs between my Olympic world and my autism world. One recent example is when it occurred to me that people generally assume greatness in Olympians until flaws are revealed that bring them down to, or below the level of most people. In contrast, people generally assume flaws in people with autism until a talent or greatness is revealed which brings them up to, or above the level of most people. We are obsessed with the things that make us different and continually surprised to find out how much we are all alike.

April is autism awareness month and while I don’t think “awareness” is the goal at this point, I do think that people pay attention during this time and it’s a mistake to miss that opportunity. I haven’t written much on the topic in a while because I’ve struggled with the message I want to send, and what I want the world to know about my son, Darrin Khan and kids like him. I struggle with that message because the world wants simple and he is anything but. One major component of this is related to the many ways in which a lack of social skills impacts his life. He doesn’t participate much on social media, but the phenomenon creates a great illustration of how we’re wired as humans. 

We criticize social media for creating a warped view of peoples’ lives. We’re much more likely to share the best of ourselves than those things that reveal our flaws, fears, inadequacies, mistakes, or weaknesses. But social media is just an exaggerated extension of how we’ve always behaved. Humans are social creatures and the vast majority of us run in multiple social circles. Social circles are modern day tribes, and human beings have relied on tribes for cooperation and protection throughout human existence. Our tribal need is deeply rooted in our DNA and research confirms that when this need is not met, mental health is compromised. 

As much as we like to pretend that we don’t care what people think about us, we do. We care about how we’re viewed by others and it’s very frustrating when we feel we are misunderstood. As an extremely independent introvert, it pains me to say that. And while it’s true that the amount we care varies quite a bit; if we’re human, we care. 

If we think about the different tribes we claim today, they likely include family, extended family, work colleagues, schools we attend or attended, neighborhoods, tribes based on interests, tribes based on activities, tribes based on our children’s interests and activities, tribes made up of the husbands of our wives’ friends (for the married men), and countless other tribes where we feel a sense of belonging. The best tribes allow us to feel a sense of community while embracing our individuality. And just like on social media, we tend to protect our social status within our tribes by sharing the best of ourselves while holding back most of the things that reveal our flaws, fears, inadequacies, mistakes, or weaknesses. We have learned over time that our strengths can increase the quality of our tribes and our relative status within them, and our weaknesses can decrease that status and put us at risk of being removed. 

The majority of people with autism are accepted into few tribes outside their families and most don’t have the luxury of being anything but their authentic selves, flaws and all. We like to judge people on their accomplishments, titles, degrees, and status, but those are just signals we like to use for judging what’s inside a person. Unfortunately, they rarely reveal character, courage, heart, creativity, teamwork, sense of humor, loyalty, integrity, or the other meaningful human factors we can’t measure. Those human factors are everything, but it takes patience, trust, and acceptance before most are revealed. The family tribes know this, and they can tell you just how much is missed inside those on the spectrum. 

A few years ago, I got to experience Darrin Khan participating in a Special Hockey program in Denver, which was made up mostly of boys with intellectual or developmental disabilities. My favorite part was sitting with the athletes in the locker room before practice. My experience with locker rooms growing up involved a lot of joking, rough-housing, and male bonding through giving one another a hard time. In this locker room, I saw the EXACT same thing. In fact, they were a little tougher than what I remember, and the laughter was louder. When one of them made a joke at another’s expense, the room roared with laughter. The butt of the joke didn’t get mad, he fired back a new insult and the room roared again. Soon it was someone else’s turn and the laughter continued. Darrin Khan was younger than most and couldn’t keep up with everything being said, but he would repeat some of the one-liners and he laughed with the group every time. Make no mistake, this was a tribe and it was amazing to witness. 

I still haven’t figured out a simple message to send people about this complicated disorder, but I’m less confused about the message I want to send to my son and those on the spectrum. That message is this: as humans, we all get scared, we hide our flaws, we don’t want to expose our weaknesses, we want to love and be loved, and we want a tribe or two where we can be ourselves and feel we belong. We’re all capable of greatness, we’re all broken, and we’re all just trying to figure shit out. 

We are more the same than different, but it is our differences that make us unique, interesting, and special. If there’s a simple message I can send in the month of April in 2019, that is it. 

The Steele tribe is lighting it up blue this month to remind those on the spectrum that when they see the blue lights, they will know they belong to one more tribe. 

Darrin Steele is a father, CEO for USA Bobsled/Skeleton, VP of Sport for the International Bobsleigh and Skeleton Federation and PhD Candidate in Educational Leadership, Research and Policy at University of Colorado - Colorado Springs.