The Older I get, the Better I was

For a couple of years after my transition out of the army I wished I could go back. I was unsettled, understimulated, and struggling to find a new purpose and identity.?

Around the two-year mark I had started to make progress in the right direction thanks to taking a job in a small regional hospital as their Deputy Medical Superintendent. The Superintendent was an old army mate of mine which definitely helped, but it was more than that. I was once again part of a small, hard-working team, and could feel a sense of significance and purpose returning. I was most of the way through studying my Master of Business Administration (MBA) and was putting the management and leadership skills being learned in theory through those studies into practice in my new role.?

From a medical skill perspective, I was once again on a steep learning curve, re-learning old medical skills that I hadn’t really needed in the military, such as looking after kids, elderly, and those with chronic illness, as well as extending my emergency medicine skills in areas other than trauma. All of this was contributing significantly to me rebuilding the psychological layers of my Maslow’s Hierarchy.?

The hospital only had six doctors on the roster, meaning that we worked closely and experienced ups and downs together, creating the beginnings of a new sense of tribe. Involvement in the occasional life and death resuscitation situation in the Emergency Department of the hospital even allowed me to recapture some of the stimulus and access to flow states that I had missed so much from my military days of treating combat casualties.?

I was well and truly starting to rebuild myself, and yet when I reflected on my army days, a big part of me regretted discharging and still craved being back there.

Things changed around that time due to a chance encounter with a couple of old army special operations colleagues. I had randomly bumped into them in an airport lounge, and I learned that they were soon to conduct a training exercise in the town where I was living. They had been on a reconnaissance trip to set up contacts and plan logistics for the training exercise and were still looking for a few additional business contacts in the area, which I helped them out with.?

It was during my interactions with these old army mates of mine that I had an epiphany.?

It occurred to me that they were still doing the exact same things that they had been doing while I was at the unit. In effect, they were basically living the same year, year after year. Don’t get me wrong, it was still appealing and exciting to me, but what I could suddenly see was the fact that I had progressed and evolved from my former military self. I was most of my way through my MBA, I had evolved as a doctor, and as a leader in my hospital role. Things that wouldn’t have happened if I’d stayed in the army.?

For the first time since I transitioned out of the army, I realised with clarity that I had made the correct decision. I was growing as a person, and it felt great. I could also see with clarity that I had started to stagnate in my old military role, yet when I had previously reflected, I had tended only to reminisce on the good parts of the job. I never seemed to reflect on all the negatives, of which there were many. Somehow, they didn’t seem to feature in my memories, but the interactions with my former colleagues for some reason allowed me to have a far more balanced recollection of my former role.?

Rosy Retrospection

It turns out that the tendency to look back on?the good old days?of our lives with?rose coloured glasses?is a normal human tendency. The psychologists call this bias?rosy retrospection (1),?and it causes us to perceive the past as better than it was, which can then have the effect of diminishing our present experience in comparison.?

For a transitioning military member or first responder, this distorted perspective can compound all the other stresses faced during transition significantly, to the point where individuals can actually?grieve?the loss of their perception of their former self. It probably plays a decent role in the decision that some make to go back to their previous jobs, perhaps only to find themselves then realising that it wasn’t quite what they remembered it to be. This is because it wasn’t the job as they remembered it, they had been misled by rosy retrospection!

Another interesting aspect of rosy retrospection is what is known as the?reminiscence bump, which is a period of our lives that research suggests is when we form our most vivid long-term memories. This period is centred around ages 15-30 and it is believed that higher concentrations of neurotransmitters such as dopamine in our brains at that age cause us to form more vivid memories from that period than from other stages of our lives.?

When we consider that age period of intensified positive memory formation, it can be appreciated that this is when most military members and first responders are entering into their role, becoming indoctrinated into their tribe, and starting to have the rich and unique experiences that the roles offer.?

Compounding the positive distortion of rosy retrospection is often photos and other memorabilia of service, that mostly reflect good experiences from the role. Photos with mates, at graduations and perhaps award ceremonies, and other significant positive moments. It’s less likely that the photos taken, and memorabilia kept and reflected on, are those from traumatic or negative experiences.?

In their brilliant article on?transition stress?article Meaghan Mobbs, PhD & Bonanno (2)?discuss the concept of autobiographical memories (AM) and momentous events serving as transition points and acting as?bookends?to distinct periods of our life. These momentous events in the life of a military member or first responder include entry into and transition out of the role. In relation to military members specifically (but equally applicable to first responders), Mobbs & Bonanno state:

"As transitions serve to organize AM and turning points anchor the life story, entry in to and exit out of military service potentially creates watershed moments which serve to accentuate the period in between".?

It turns out that there is some science behind the tongue-in-cheek saying?the older I get, the better I was. However, this perception of how good you may have been, as well as how good things were, when you were younger is distorted in a positive fashion. None the less, it can lead to a very real experience of grieving your former self.?

So, if you’re currently in the transition period from a military or first responder role, or if you’re still in the job and find yourself reminiscing about how things aren’t what they used to be, beware of rosy retrospection. It’s likely that your memory is skewed towards the positive and if you deliberately think hard on the negatives from the past, you’ll find them as well.?

If you find yourself dwelling on how good the past was at the expense of your current happiness, I challenge you to catch those thoughts as they happen, block them, and insert some optimism instead.?

Here’s a few strategies to increase optimism:

·??????Turn off the news – it’s seldom good and most of it you don’t really need to know.?

·??????Try on a positive lens – this is easier said than done, as we are wired from an evolutionary perspective to scan for threats and focus on negatives. This can get amplified in jobs such as policing, military, and other first responder roles, where being hypervigilant for threats can be lifesaving. Where possible, catch your negate e thoughts and instead try to look for a positive in the situation.?

·??????Practice gratitude. I do this one with my family around the dinner table at night by asking the question “what were you grateful for today?” As simple as it is, it causes us all to focus on the positives from our day, no matter how small they may have been.

·??????Journal – a few scribbles of reflection each day can make a huge difference to your mental wellbeing. At The Resilience Shield , we use the term “debrief your life” for the process. Try writing out a few key things that happened in your day, what went well, and what didn’t go well. With the things that didn’t go well, don’t beat yourself up about it, but rather explore why they didn’t go well with a view to formulating strategies to do things better next time.?If you want a structured journal to get started, check out our Resilience Journal.

·??????Stay focused on what you can control and influence. A lot of our stress comes from things that are outside of our control or influence. The problem with burning emotional energy on these things is that we can’t do anything about them, so it’s wasted energy. Try to pare things back and focus on what you can absolutely control (your thoughts, attitudes, behaviours, and responses). From there, spend what energy you can on situations and people you can influence, but understand that you often can’t be held accountable for the outcome. If you identify stressors in your life that you have no control or influence over, then do your best to be like the Stoics and not invest one ounce of emotional energy to them.?

·??????Be aware of the company you keep. Many will have heard the saying “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. This concept is not without its critics; however the science suggests some truth to it. Tune in to how negative the people you spend the most time with are, and where possible, try to insert some positivity into the conversation.?

This article is an adaptation of a chapter from an upcoming book I’m in the final stages of completing that explores the challenges of transitioning out of military and first responder roles. Please keep an eye on my profile for its release later in the year.?

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Until next Friday, stay safe, and don’t forget to have some fun!

Cheers,

Dr Dan Pronk

(1)?For more on Rosy Retrospection, check out: www.thedecisionlab.com

(2)?Mobbs MC, Bonanno GA. Beyond war and PTSD: The crucial role of transition stress in the lives of military veterans. Clin Psychol Rev. 2018 Feb;59:137-144. doi: 10.1016/j.cpr.2017.11.007. Epub 2017 Nov 21.?