O'Lantern Murdered

Nov. 1—Jack O’Lantern, a well-known fall visitor to the area, was found dead this morning by joggers sometime around sunrise. O’Lantern, who was born in Ireland, had multiple knife wounds near his eyes, nose and mouth, which are typical of occult ritual. The cause of death appears to be the crushing blow he suffered in the street and the police department has turned the investigation over to homicide detectives.

Friends, who asked to remain anonymous, said they were shocked at the news, and that he was never involved with paganism, nepotism, Satanism or any other ism to their knowledge. Law enforcement is asking witnesses who might have seen something suspicious the night of Oct. 31 to contact the city’s victim witness hotline. Rewards are offered for information that leads to an arrest and the only evidence collected so far are candy wrappers littered at the crime scene.

Activists immediately cited the incident as yet another example why background checks and closing the farmer’s market loophole for the purchase of paring knives is necessary—especially in October, a month noted for an increase in ghoulish behavior.

“Jack was anything but a seedy character,” one neighbor said. “In fact, he was the light of this community.” Services will be held tomorrow at St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Mr. O’Lantern is survived by three pumpkin pies and 10 cookies. He was preceded in death by his wife, Ms. Jacqueline O’Lantern, who died in an eerily similar incident last year. That case remains unsolved.