Is it OK not to be OK?

Like a lot of people, I've had a tough eighteen months...

Going in to lock down in March 2020 felt scary, the first time the whole country has been effectively shut down since World War 2, but at least then you weren't confined to your house with one short period of time outside to exercise and you could see your friends and give your family members a hug!

We all felt it was a short term situation to try and prevent the spread of a new virus spreading rapidly round the globe. We packed up our offices, said cheerio to colleagues and began to work from home feeling the benefits of not commuting and using video calls. However, has the novelty now worn off?

Little did I know that before the end of 2020 that I would have lost my grandparents to the virus, had to make a colleague redundant (remotely - which was awful) and ultimately loose my own job the week before Christmas. A rather traumatic time mentally and emotionally whilst trying to keep it together for my own family. I realised I was wanting to stay strong and didn't really think about my own well being or how I was feeling. I had to be strong for my parents, especially my Dad who had to say goodbye to his parents over Facetime due to lockdown measures.... it really doesn't bear thinking about.

I'm not writing a sob story, what I'm getting at is that everyone has trauma and will often put a mask on it. How often do we ask friends, colleagues, family and clients "how are you?" and the response is usually "fine" or "I'm really busy" - ARE WE?? Are we really "fine" is everything really OK?!

I recently read a post (read it HERE ) from a friend of mine, Mick Beavers , which highlighted his mental health struggles and the battles he has had to go through. I reached out to Mick as I wasn't fully aware of his struggles and could relate to a lot of what he wrote in his post and it was clear A LOT of people did too considering the interaction Mick has received from his post.

We recently met to catch up and amongst other things we discussed how its....

OK not to be OK!

We were speaking about how we always felt we need to be the strong ones for our family through crises often forgetting how we ourselves were feeling. The more you resist feeling “bad”, the worse you’ll feel. Yes, you have to keep trying to get better, but don’t force it- allow yourself to heal and learn to be patient with yourself as everyone heals at a different pace.

In a world of social media, everyone likes to show their followers how "perfect" their world is, whether its material things or in a LinkedIn context how busy and successful they are, how many clients they are working with, how much money they are making etc... You very rarely see anyone posting what a crap week they've had, whether its work or personal related. Is it the fear of being seen as vulnerable? showing you are human? susceptible to loss like everyone else?

How often have you sat in a meeting and everyone agreeing that what is being discussed is great only to come out and tear shreds out of it with your colleagues? Its pretty much the same with showing you are not OK - once you speak up you will feel better. Some may not agree, but others will support.

My LinkedIn feed is often full of positivity quotes, how to never give up, how to be a successful entrepreneur etc - so I read up on this and it turns out it has a term - "Toxic Positivity"

Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, a licensed clinical psychologist and trained cognitive behaviour therapist, describes it as follows:

"the assumption, either by one’s self or others, that despite a person’s emotional pain or difficult situation, they should only have a positive mindset or ‘positive vibes.’ "??

Dr Zuckerman helps her patients develop healthy boundaries in their relationships and focuses heavily on the negative impact toxic positivity has on patients’ lives, particularly since the onset of Covid. She highlighted some interesting facts about toxic positivity and how we must let ourselves and others feel the emotions we’re feeling in the moment.

How do I move on?

Surround yourself with people you like, get on with, encourage you and generally take an interest in your wellbeing. Given what we've all been through, it does become easy to feel like you are starting to lose control over everything. I found trying to get a routine going helped immensely, especially working from home over a prolonged basis.

With everything that was going on in my personal life it made me tired, emotionally drained and irritated most of the time. To the point where you were taking it out on your nearest and dearest which isn't fair. I had forgotten how to make myself happy and allowed these feelings to take over. I enjoy reading, walking, working out, socialising and this all took a back seat resulting in me becoming rather reclusive which for those that do know me - isnt me....

When you get in that mode of thinking, it’s very easy to start blaming yourself and/or others for your problems. I have always said am my own worst enemy and over analyse everything - should I have done this differently? Would it have resulted in a different outcome??

As I discussed with Mick, we need to forgive ourselves and anyone else you may be blaming. We all tend to be way too hard on ourselves and sometimes need a reset button to really get down to the nitty gritty of what really makes us happy and what is important in life. For me, that is my family. They are always supportive and I would also add a good network of friends. That is why I reached out to Mick (and he kindly paid for dinner! - my turn next time!).

To Conclude

It’s OK NOT to be OK!

• Take a break
• Remove yourself from situations you don’t feel comfortable in.
• Reach out and speak to someone - it doesn't have to be a friend or family, sometimes a stranger can be the best solution to give yourself a completely seperate view of the issues you are facing. Charities like Mental Health Aberdeen do a fantastic job in providing that service.

"Dont sweat the small stuff" (a great book my mum gave me by Richard Carlson)?and stop letting the little things in life get you down, especially before they gain momentum and create bigger issues. Feel free to reach out to me, I still have my moments but sharing them with people and having a discussion with others really helps. Take care of yourself!