Ok... No I am NOT OK

I posted the following last night on FB... realizing its time to take my own advice. Bottling things up and silence have nearly done me in.. too many times. A shame I carried in secret, until very recently.

We all have challenges, we all have 'stuff' I make a herculean effort daily to offer kindness, to listen, to be a caring shoulder for others...

I broke yesterday. I don't really know, or cannot pinpoint the moment that brought it on.

I have been a weird combo of fatalistic suicidal ideation and Eternal PollyAnna since I was a child. I did not know that others did not have those dark thoughts. At age 6 or 7 I saw the movie Pollyanna and the 'Glad' game became my 'force': with me all ways.

I got some sleep and am happy to report that Pollyanna is back in charge. The catharsis is complete and I will go forward a little less bowed by the weight of things.

The post begins here...

I work hard daily, to manage the pain, rise above the nasty inner thoughts, the self doubt and frustration of the sheer volume of stress, thanks to increasing issues with my legs, my insides, and truth be told the negative thoughts trying to take the upper hand.

I am so grateful for so much, and feel so blessed, I'm so gifted with incredible friends and our little family, I feel so annoyed with myself when I cannot shake the feelings of 'not being enough'.

Not enough to keep my father as he was, not enough to reach my daughter in her mental illness.. not enough to acknowledge my own precarious mental health.

Constantly juggling all of it has me beyond exhausted and feeling battered.

It all came to a head today, as I had to acknowledge I was not physically strong enough to go to Bluesfest..manage the walking, my lack of standing tolerance, and my lack of familuarity with the area and the facilities ( my intestinal.issues necessitate knowing where those are for any snd all outings) not yo mention not having been on public transit since 1983.

I am all ways urging those I speak with on my podcast, to speak to someone..do not keep silent. For once I'm hell bent on taking my own advice ..

Spewing my thoughts onto the page, I'm hoping will allow my to shake it off..let the feelings flow and go..so I can get on with living..

Even this PollyAnna finds herself at the bottom of the well.

Time to dust myself off... get some sleep and plan on looking at life from a better perspective.. thank you for your time ..