It is Ok to be foolish

The rains were falling incessantly for the last two hours without any respite. It must have made the roads small rivers in colonies of Delhi where Sharmila lived. This weather added further to the sad feelings of Sharmila. It was her sense of inferiority and stupidity about herself that triggered these feelings.

After marriage to Puneet, a post graduate medico, she should have been happier; more so because Puneet loved her dearly. But on the contrary, in this new household her feelings of ‘being stupid’ had increased.

Everyone here was highly educated; her Mom and dad in-laws were professors in Delhi university, her brother in law was studying medicine and was an exceptionally bright student. She was the only one neither working nor professionally qualified. To look after home was her only occupation that kept her busy through the day. It did not give her a feeling of achievement at the end of the day; neither it gave her any special recognition in the eyes of society or her own family.

The initial excitement of marriage was waning after eighteen months. The prosaic reality of everyday life was what she had started confronting. This made her feel small and stupid. “What is my identity? Only a housewife?” ruminated Sharmila often.

She had other areas to feel small about. She was not as good as her mother-in-law in cooking. She could not contribute intelligently in the family discussions about life and events of society. Moreover she was economically dependent on her husband too.

“There are so many areas I feel I know nothing. I feel stupid often when I am with the family,”said Sharmila while tears started rolling down her cheeks when she shared these personal feelings with Puneet in the privacy of her bedroom.

Suddenly Puneet became aware of the intensity of pain in his beloved wife. He had never felt this side of Sharmila in the last so many months of togetherness. For him all was well in his marriage and Sharmila. After being used to seeing so many patients in pain, he had perhaps become clinical in dealing with people; their pain did not register any longer.

Sharmila controlled herself and continued when she found Puneet disturbed and dumbfounded, “ No, it’s OK. I do not want you to feel bad about it. I just could not control myself so it came out. Do not be worried for me. I am happy with you.”

But something within Puneet had been stirred. He just connected the dots and could see now in hindsight that Sharmila was not that cheerful for quite sometime.

“Is anything else disturbing you? Like Ma or Dad or Sunny making any comments about you or something? Or you feel bad asking for money? Please feel free to share what all disturbs you.” Puneet wanted her to open her heart rather than shut it.

Sharmila felt supported and answered with a firm voice, “No, none of you do anything. It is something to do with my own sense of inferiority when I see you all so intelligent and well educated. I am the only dumb in this house.” She tried to lighten it by her laughter.

But her laughter was ignored by Puneet, “No you are affected and don’t try to laugh it away now. It is OK to feel foolish because I feel it so often myself.”

“Don’t try to comfort me; you are so confident!” Sharmila retorted.

“OK we will discuss it with others at dinner because I believe everyone feels small and inferior for something or other. Let’s see how others take it. I believe it is ok with you if we discuss it ?” Puneet believed in always discussing with family whenever such issues were raised.

“ No I do not want you to tell others about how I feel; these are very personal feelings,” Sharmila spoke sharply.

“These are everyone’s personal feelings. It is so universal to feel small and inferior! Trust me, it will help you to deal with this pain that you are hiding in your lonely heart,” Puneet was equally firm in his resolve.

Sharmila was not stubborn and usually went along with Puneet’s advice. But she insisted on keeping this between the two. Puneet was equally adamant. Finally she relented trusting on his guts.

At dinner, Dad was in his usual humorous self, cracking wit and laughter. Ma was sharing her office events, her normal commentary at the end of the day.??After a small gap after Ma finished her cathartic sharing, Puneet started opening his agenda.

“Ma do you know that Sharmila is feeling upset these days. She thinks she is no good and everyone in our home is so smart and she so dumb?” Ma looked intently at Sharmila while Sharmila was trying to hide her face at this embarrassing revelation. Dad and Sunny too became quite and eager to see how Ma will respond.

Ma was a professor in Psychology and she understood people better than average person. She responded with empathy, “ I can understand. When I got married to your Dad similar feelings were commonly experienced by me. And then we invented one norm for our family which we implemented and then it became a way of life for us. Can you guess what it is?”

Everyone started wondering which norm is she talking about. “What, which norm? I do not know of any norm,” Puneet asked surprised.

“You have become so used to it that you do not even notice it. Stupid, it is OK to be stupid in this home. That is why it is a home!”

Dad added further, “Because everyone is stupid in many areas. I am stupid in medicine unlike Puneet. Puneet is stupid in understanding Politics. Your Mom is stupid in Maths, Sunny is stupid in so many things. If we cannot be stupid and feel OK with it in our own homes then where we will be? To know one is stupid in so many areas and accept it as OK is part of growth. This world is so vast, each and every person has to be stupid in so many fields.” Mom too added further, “Moreover to call oneself stupid is an interpretation and judgement on oneself. Why be so harsh on oneself. Wisdom lies in being stupid and accepting it. It is a beautiful paradox of life.”??

“Even Socrates when asked why your followers love and respect you answered they did so because he knows nothing.” Dad added.

“See how stupid I am while dad is so wise; but it is OK, right mom?” quipped Sunny.

There was laughter in the room and celebration of stupidity. Sharmila suddenly felt very light.

“Oh my God, how I was misinterpreting and negatively judging myself! How stupid I am.”

But now she was happy being stupid!

Dad, however added a serious touch to the entire conversation, “You know we all are striving to become ‘something or non-stupid’ due to this sense of discomfort we experience in our stupidity. We are constantly living with a feeling of unease with our current state. We are not able to enjoy the ‘here and now’. This is valid even for old people above eighty or ninety. This constant striving to become makes this life a restless race to reach a destination rather than a journey to enjoy. However the moment you accept your stupidity and stay focused on just a few core areas of your life where you want to excel, you come to live in ease with the ‘here and now’.”

Everyone in the room became quiet and there was this feeling of sacredness in the room. Mom broke the silence with her perspective and addressed Sharmila, “You know when I got married, I was just a graduate. I was encouraged to do masters by your dad only. He wanted me to have my own independent identity and not be just Mrs Sharma. Why I am telling you is that even though it is OK to feel stupid but all the same having an identity of one’s own is equally important. Many women when they reach their mid forties or early fifties, when children have moved out feel very empty as their main responsibility of bringing up children is over.”

Sharmila suddenly felt as if someone had touched a raw nerve, “That is exactly what I feel even now. I feel very empty from within. I do not have an identity of my own. I am just a housewife and Mrs Sharma.” There was pain in her tone and a longing to be somebody.

“This is different from being stupid. It is a healthy sign to feel such emptiness because that will make you to search for your calling which will give you an identity of your own.” Dad was quick to add his punch line.

“I am feeling stupid in front of you both, Dad and Mom!” Said Puneet. This wit did add lightness to the mood of the place but Sharmila was in no mood to let go of this moment.

“Yes, I need to seriously take up search for my career. Teaching in University like you is definitely an option. But now I am clear that I have to have an identity of my own. Otherwise not so good future awaits me in my forties!”

“Look, sometimes sharing sad and personal feelings with our own people can lead to major understandings, Sharmila,” Puneet took a dig at Sharmila.

“Yes, but others should be understanding enough too, which is the case here,” replied Sharmila.

“Sharmila you are definitely not stupid, for sure! But I am feeling like stupid.” Added Sunny, her brother in law, who was sitting quiet and listening to all this for long.

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