"Oh poor me!" Syndrome

Hey partner! How are you today?

In the previous article, we ended with a little reflective assignment, to go sit down with a pen and paper and pinpoint the habits that are stealing our personal power. I’m hoping that you remembered to do the exercise. What did you come up with?

I too managed to reflect by myself this past weekend and stumbled onto some truths. In asking myself what’s stealing my personal power, I had to first acknowledge that since December 2019, I have really done a great work in letting go of the victim mentality I used to have. I have grown into someone who never complains. My self-concept is healthy. I no longer think that life is out to get me, or that I’m at the mercy of external circumstances. Most importantly I now know that I am responsible for my life, no one else. So, I embrace every experience in my life whether favorable or not, from this very truth, “I have the power to create the life I want!” This was a very humbling yet encouraging realization. Nevertheless, my reflection also brought to light just one habit that’s a root of all the other habits that are stealing my personal power and that is, “Making excuses!”.

Yes, I admit that making excuses is my kryptonite. I struggle with finishing what I start, low levels of self-discipline, a lack of consistency and the most troubling one, chronic procrastination. And if I look deeply into each one of these, they are feeding off my love for excuses. I am thankful that I was finally able to make this connection, because as I said in the previous article, it is only that which you are aware of, that you can successfully defeat. This is also why I have created this newsletter, to have a space where I can be honest about my journey to self-accountability and hopefully inspire you to start yours, so that in the end, the both of us can reclaim our personal power and create the lives of our dreams.

You may be wondering what exactly this personal power I keep referring to is? In his article titled: Premises about personal power, Peter M Senge says that “Personal power is one’s capacity to realize one’s personal purpose, based on the key premise that, what an individual holds in his consciousness, tends to become real in the external world.”

To me, personal power is creative power, and this is completely derived from my Christian faith. God being a creator, created us to also be creators. That is why out of all His creation, we as human beings have the mind to create, innovate and build new things. I also believe that through this ability to create, we can build our dream lives, regardless of whether we came from a poor vs rich background or adverse vs nurturing background. We all have the innate power to create the greatest lives our minds can imagine.

On that same note, I also believe that having a victim mentality, is the highest form of self-sabotage. Because if you perceive yourself as a victim, and you continually re-enforce that mindset by always complaining, blaming others, making excuses, throwing pity parties, considering yourself eternally disadvantaged in life and doing or saying just about anything to avoid taking responsibility for your life, you forfeit the power to effect positive change in your life. When you unlearn all the habits that keep you stuck in victimhood, you are at the same time claiming back your creative power.

In the previous article, I had mentioned that no one is born perceiving themselves as a victim. While some people grow up in nurturing environments and are born of parents who had a healthy up-bringing themselves, thus ending up with a healthy view of themselves and the world around them. Others grow up in adverse environments and are born from parents whose upbringing was dysfunctional, furtherly contributing to an unhealthy self-concept and relationship with the world. This is the whole nature vs nurture conversation, of how we are a product of both our environment and genetics. Prof Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries, expounds more on this in his article titled, “Are you a victim of the victim syndrome?”, published in the Science Direct Journal.

This nature vs nurture conversation speaks to why some people may have the victim syndrome. People may indeed have gone through traumatizing childhoods and life experiences even in adulthood, where they were true victims of circumstances. This article is not in any way downplaying the injustice, ordeals, and traumas that people might have gone through in life. It is also not saying that everyone who has gone through traumatic experiences, automatically has a victim mentality.

I am however speaking to those who have the victim mentality, and they can trace it back to what they went through. Yes, you were not treated right. Yes, what you faced was done by another person. Yes, life has been very hard for you. You may not have contributed to the injustice you faced. But you are responsible for finding ways to move past it. You are responsible for your healing. It is the only way for you to reclaim your power. Instead of waiting for someone or something outside of yourself to act right, you can do what’s in your power to effect the change you want in your life.

In his paper titled, Unconditional responsibility: The power of being a player, Fred Koffman said, “Personal power and inner peace are totally opposite to the expectation of justice. Taking responsibility for your life, does not mean what you went through was just or fair. It only means that, even though you are not responsible for the problem, you are choosing to face and overcome it, therefore re-asserting your personal power.”

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After asking why people have the victim mentality, you might go on further to ask, “Why do some people stay stuck with it?” This brings us to the concept of “Secondary Gains”.

“A secondary gain can be defined as any positive advantage that accompanies physical or psychological symptoms.” – Dr Ariel Swartz

Secondary gains are the external and incidental advantages derived from a victim’s misery, even though the person in question may not be consciously aware of them. Secondary gain is an important mechanism in explaining why people remain stuck in dysfunctional behaviour patterns, why they persist in their misery and do not change things for the better.” – Prof Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries

In simple terms, secondary gains are the benefits one unconsciously receives from having a victim mentality. For example, every time one plays the “oh poor me!” card, or the blame card what happens?

1. People feel sorry for them

2. People give them attention

3. They are excused from responsibility

4.People are quick to rescue or help them.

All these benefits may feel good to someone who has the victim syndrome. The unfortunate thing about secondary gains however, is that they are temporary, since they are benefits unconsciously drawn from others. After some time, people get tired of someone who is always stuck in victimhood and focus on their own lives. This then drives the person with the victim mentality deeper into the syndrome, as they escalate their “oh poor me” mandate, the "blame card", the "people don’t care about me card" and the "life is not fair card!"

In the last article we ended with a brief reflective exercise, asking ourselves what’s stealing our personal power. Today I also have a few questions for our next reflection exercise:

1.????How have my life experiences contributed to me either having a victim mindset or feeling helpless in life?

2.????How has my perception of me being treated unfairly or unjustly, kept me stuck with the victim mindset?

3.????Am I able to claim back my personal power, by accepting that even though I might not be responsible for what I’m faced with, I am responsible for facing and overcoming it?

4.????What are the secondary gains I have from viewing myself as a victim? Am I ready to let go of them so that I can reclaim my personal power back?

I hope today’s article made you think about your own life, and the areas in it where you need to claim back your personal power.

?Remember: “You are the rescue team you have been waiting for!”

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See you next time partner!

#selfaccountability #personalpower #takingmypowerback #selfresponsibility #becoming #better