OH HI THERE IMPOSTER SYNDROME

Who saw Madonna on tour last week? Because it seemed like the WHOLE world did and as I was watching through everyone’s Instagram stories, a huge part of me was gutted.

Madonna was the first famous person that I idolised. Mum had “The Immaculate Collection” videos on VHS, so I spent my days as a 5-year-old watching them over and over again. Memorising the words, I would ask Mum if I could try on her wedding dress and veil, then strut around the living room singing ‘Like a Virgin’. I was na?vely unaware of what the lyrics meant, but I sang my little heart out like the Queen herself.

She exudes so much confidence, drive, and creativity. She is non-conformist, controversial, and ever-evolving. She is everything that I wanted to be but never became. As I grew up, I remember reading one of her biographies and becoming fascinated with her pursuit to become famous, and I always wondered how someone could have so much conviction. Was she born with it? Or was it something that had to be consciously developed over time?

I’d love answers because, like many other women, being genuinely confident in who I am and my abilities doesn’t come easily. As much as I portray a self-confident and self-assured image to the outside world (well, I hope that’s the case), inside I’m very much lacking.

Recently I’ve experienced more self-doubt than usual, and it’s because I’ve started blogging, as well as making little videos online. I didn’t realise how much putting myself out there publicly (albeit in a very small way compared to music artists and anyone famous) would cause me to feel so anxious, and now I finally understand what imposter syndrome is.

I used to hear the term a lot in my old job because I worked with a lot of great women who sometimes felt that they were underqualified or feared that they wouldn't be able to fulfil what was required of them, and I guess because I've never been in a leadership position, or achieved huge amounts career wise, I didn't get it. I do now though.

My blogging started because, as a lot of my close friends will know, I’ve written for years. I started a book that I was too nervous to finish, because it seemed like such a risk to share anything I’d written and I doubted that I was intelligent or talented enough. This time, something felt different. I felt a boost of confidence because I needed to connect with people who were also struggling with their self-belief, and more specifically, challenges with romantic relationships so that I didn’t feel so alone.

As well as this, I wanted to produce content to reach people beyond my immediate network which would give me something to talk about publicly so that one day, who knows, the book that I’ve started to write could be published and have readers. I could maybe even be on podcasts and speak openly about subjects that women, just like me, experience.

All these ideas, in theory, sound amazing, and I feel proud of myself for trying to reach them. I have a small, yet growing readership, and people who encourage me daily. However, frustratingly, I still don’t believe that I’ll get there. I start to wonder why anyone would want to read something I’ve written or listen to anything that I say.

So many thoughts go through my head when I’m writing these and it makes me want to stop, but at the same time, being compelled to reach others pushes me to carry on.

My way of dealing with this is to assume an alter-ego, and in my case, one that’s very Madonna-esque – by that, I mean being someone who is eccentric, self-expressive, and committed to her cause. She reminds me of the reasons why I started sharing my experiences and makes me feel confident enough to try new things – even if I make a whole load of mistakes throughout the process.

It’s made me realise, we’re probably all just out here putting work in and hoping for the best (we make it look like we know what we’re doing but half the time, we’re shitting it).

So, for anyone who tells me I’m brave or wants to push themselves out of their comfort zone, whether it’s talking to strangers, going on dates, or pursuing something you’ve always wanted to do – I urge you to become your alter-ego (ideally Madonna) and go for it.

It’s weird at first and you’ll feel uncomfortable, but do it for the little wins because trust me, it becomes worth it.

Dani