The Official* Spirit Airlines Frequent Flyer Tiers

(*Unofficial)

We all know Spirit. We've probably all flown Spirit, and (naturally) we all resent Spirit. But they don't have a Frequent Flyer program (oh wait lol yes they do), so I decided to ponder on the unique type of hot trash it might be if they were to create one.

TEARS TIER

Requirement(s): The most basic membership level, achieved by almost everyone within their first few Spirit flights. Can only be earned by crying while booking, boarding, flying, or otherwise interacting in day-to-day life with Spirit in any way. 

Reward(s): One free* napkin to wipe away tears, and also half a bar of Xanax to chill you the F out for the rest of the flight if you are at 35,000 ft when said crying occurs. 

*requires a $4.00 security deposit and handling fee

SWEAT TIER

Requirement(s): Considered the “1B” membership level, as it is almost as easy to achieve as the Tears tier. Can be earned by visibly sweating through your clothing during a Spirit flight as they’ve cut the AC to save on gas. 

Reward(s): Heat stroke, the stench of your neighbor. 

FLESH TIER

Requirement(s): Membership levels often reached by frequent Spirit flyers within the first 6 months. Can be earned by Spirit losing your luggage on any flight, even if you literally stood by the window and watched them place it on the plane.

Reward(s): The freedom to wear only the clothes the Lord himself blessed you with. Also, they will contribute $50 to your cash bail when you’re picked up for public nudity in Daytona, again. 

RUST TIER

Requirement(s): Named after the iconic iron oxide that can be found on almost every Spirit airplane. Allows members to conduct a pre-flight check of the plane’s exterior features for buildup of rust. 

Reward(s): If you find any, you’re allowed (obligated?) to fix it yourself. Fun!

OPAQUE TIER

Requirement(s): Named in honor of renowned Spirit front desk attendant Todd H. Krint, who was notoriously vague and unclear when updating passengers on exactly how long this delay was going to be. One hour? Six? No one could get a clear answer out of Todd, and for that we admire him. Given upon your first Spirit delay of over 12 hours. 

Reward(s): Quality time with Brenda and the kids at the Hard Rock Cafe. You even get to pick up the tab when Lil’ Jimmy orders french fries but doesn’t touch a single one because “they cut them weird, daddy!” 

CHARRED OAK TIER

Requirement(s): Surprisingly little, for such a high-ranking membership tier -- simply go on a Tinder date with a Spirit employee.

Reward(s): You are granted a wood cane with which to spank your fellow passengers and assert your dominance. It counts as your carry-on.

BROWN TIER

Requirement(s): Finally, tiers with a reward worth having! Requires you to threaten a Spirit flight attendant or pilot at gunpoint while in the midst of a mental breakdown over not being able to go the bathroom because that one weird dude has been in there since you reached cruising altitude.

Reward(s): Free use of the bathroom (on flights over 7 hours), free ride to police station (on any flight that lands safely)

PAPER TIER

Requirement(s): The most exclusive of all Spirit membership levels. This can only be achieved by flying Spirit for 365 consecutive days in a calendar year, or by getting the Spirit logo tattooed around the orifice of your choosing.

Reward(s): One (1) free paper cup of water on your next flight, without having to ask nine times. No refills.