No offers, no pitches, no click-throughs.

No hilarious jokes (not sure that they ever happen tbh)

Not feeling that today. What I am feeling however, is a better understanding of my ‘self’

Allow me to explain… ?

My Conscious Development? methodology’s centre point is self, so this realisation is pretty ironic tbh, as I encourage others to recognise themselves, their ‘self’ with all they do.

In fact, it would seem I’ve had a complete blind spot when it comes to one matter of self.

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Following a really insightful conversation over the weekend with my partner Kelly, it became very clear, that there was a blocker with my ability to show, demonstrate or even articulate love, in certain situations, where clearly it was the perfect antidote.

Sure, we can say "I love you"?

But what do our actions of love mean?

How do they come across? How are they demonstrated?

How do we show love? How do we receive love?

What examples have been given to us?

What environments have nurtured it, or suppressed it? ?

Is love within us?

Is it taught by example?

The biggie... is unconditional love really possible?

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So, following dinner with Kelly and our kids, I had to drop my son back to his mother's. ?

On the way back home I was detoured due to major roadworks further down the county. The route took me right through the village where I grew up, right passed the primary school I went to, the old corner shop and garage, so vivid in memory!

I don’t usually take that route back, yet something pulled me that way, not just the detour. Memorises flashed before me, so many in truth. Probably sparked by some of the things Kelly and I were chatting about earlier in the day.

Or, was I searching for answers from my upbringing, to figure out this love thing?

My Mum’s parents died when she was young. She and her siblings were brought up by their Uncle & Auntie on a working farm. ?

Her approach to life and overarching ethos, was just get on with it, no time for emotions, we’ve got stuff to do!? Probably a survival mechanism.

Mum had to take care of 3 boys, run a bed and breakfast, riding stables, grow veg (lots of that), round up a range of escaping animals at times, and muck in when a hand was needed on the farm, that was managed and run by my Uncle and Auntie.

Dad was in the Navy, away for long stints, and when he was home on leave, he was mostly in the pub, enough said.

This combination resulted in zero love being expressed. Sure, Mum was a supporter of all we did, Dad was very occasionally there for the glory moments, yet, no memory at all of “I love you son”

The first time I heard it from my Mum was when I was in my fifties.

Maybe it's an indicator as to how and why I may be having ‘issues’ with the matter of love and the expression of it (no sh*t sherlock)

So, it’s no wonder this has played out with me, or so it would seem.

When faced with awkward moments where “I love you, it will be ok” will suffice. I go quiet. I freeze. It's like I’ve forgotten how to talk, let alone articulate feelings of love.

AND the rub is, the MASSIVE smack in the chops… It's become clear why I have ‘issues’ around self-love Saying to myself “I love you Martin’ may sound pretty frickin’ skewed unless it’s contextualised.

Yet, if my methodology is all about your ‘self’ as the centre of your world, my world, anyone’s world, then… I’m lying to myself.

To you. To everyone I work with. And I’m very sorry for that.

In doing so, I’ve side stepped one of my fundamentals…

FACE your truths. Own them. Work through them. Thing is, for me, it’s taken decades to even recognise them.

Maybe you can relate? Maybe something you’re trying to figure out…

It may not be love? It may be though? Tbh, you may not even recognise them until a catalyst arrives on the scene. ?

Our lessons can take years, decades even.

Yet, when they come, embrace them, your growth is always wrapped up in them. In many, many ways.

Saying "I?love you” seems so simple at times. Yet, also so very difficult at times. In a world that (seems) at times waiting to knock us off our feet at every turn... Go easy on your ‘self’.

Learn to start with self-love, then work out from there. Maybe we'll break a generational cycle, because that's what we're working on here.

Improving our generation, so the following ones can get that little bit more out of life because we've figured some stuff out, embedded it and passed it on with good intent.

As the well-used phrase goes... Pass it on...

If you've read to here, thank you, Martin

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