Is It Offensive to Ask Someone What Kind of Asian They Are? A Guide

It is a great, great thing to get to know a person better. For example, what are the causes they care about? What were the turning points of their lives? What’s the most regrettable movie they’ve ever watched?

It’s difficult to incorporate all of these deep questions into a first conversation, so often we end up spouting whatever strange things that pop out from the shock of encountering someone new. So is it forgivable when someone responds with the question of “Chinese…? Japanese…?” when you’ve already answered “Canadian!” to the inevitable question of Where-Are-You-From?

My answer is that it might not be, and it’s a point to consider when making polite small talk for your next encounter at work, a networking session, or in the lecture hall. 

We live in a rapidly globalizing world. Many people were born in Place A, educated for a bit in Place B, worked a bit in Place C, and currently residing in Place D. So where exactly are they from - A, B, C, or D? The simple answer is that it depends on the person. The long answer is that others might not agree. It could be Place A for someone who feels deep ties toward their birth country. It could be Place B for someone who spent most of their lives there. It could be Place C because it’s where they got citizenship. And it could be Place D for someone because it’s where they are, at that moment.

We live in a rapidly globalizing world.

Take for example my friends Andrew and John. Andrew was born and raised in Cambridgeshire, UK while John was born and raised in Toronto, Canada. When we all meet together at the University of Oxford and introductions are being passed around, Andrew will describe himself as British, while John will let you know that his home is in Canada.

But there’s one extra detail - both Andrew and John are Asian. Andrew’s parents migrated to the UK from Hong Kong, while John’s parents were born in South Korea. Neither knows much of their parents’ ethnic heritage and language, nor have they grown up with any particular traditions. So what does it mean when someone asks these additional questions:

• But where are your parents from?
• Where did you come from before that?
• Are you Chinese though? 

These questions lets the person know that they don’t really belong in the place they consider most their home. It lets the person know that what they look like is more important than the civic responsibilities and the collective memories that they have internalized throughout the identity-making process. And it is deeply alienating. 

Let me play devil’s advocate for one moment and suggest that perhaps these questions are simply being asked because - as I mentioned at the beginning of this piece - it’s great to get to know a person better. And what’s more interesting than a person’s cultural background? Perhaps the other person has had an experience in an Asian country or loves a kind of Asian cuisine and is curious if this Asian-looking person is the right kind of Asian to share this affinity with. 

If that’s the case, why not share this part of you regardless of who they are? It may open up greater avenues for connection and similarity if we look beyond people’s ethnic ‘types’ and instead focus on who they are as they present themselves first. 

To share a funny anecdote, I was recently at a conference in London when someone approached me to ask where I was from. 

“I came up from Oxford this morning!” I replied. “Where is your affiliation, sir?"

He seemed impatient. “No, where are you really from?"

“Oh!” I said. “I’m Canadian."

“But are you Korean!” He said. Then he burst into semi-fluent Korean, belatedly introducing himself with gusto. I wondered if I should applaud this certainly non-Korean man for speaking Korean very well, as he was seemingly expecting me to, but on one hand I felt a bit affronted. I mean, English was my first language and it was his as well. Too bad that he didn’t think it was!

Certainly many people may not mind being asked whether their ancestors come from China, Japan, South Korea, Vietnam, Myanmar, and more. As the joke goes, it IS pretty hard to "tell us apart."

But in an environment where good impressions are key, my recommendation is to hold it until the other person makes this information relevant themselves. Asking any person with South Korean ancestors whether they are Japanese can be considered deeply rude because of the two nations' historical entanglements. Why would you risk going up to someone who could very well be Jewish and say, "Hey, you look German! Are you German?"

I also repeat my point above - we live in a global society with people of so many diverse experiences and backgrounds. We can never presume where anyone is really 'from.' Wouldn't it be so much more rewarding to ask instead, "where are the places you've lived?" or "which languages do you speak, and why?"

So here's my advice: don't ask people what kind of Asian they are. Inquire into the road that has brought them here, and shoot for some ambitious questions that break some stereotypes from the get-go.

#StudentVoices

(Shout out to Youtube Video "What Kind of Asian Are You," directed by Ken Tanaka and David Neptune!)