Offense: Given or Taken?

Was Marlene Headley abused, or is she perhaps the abuser?

Marlene Headley is a British woman who recently had a run-in with a member of the Royal household at a social reception at Buckingham Palace. She was, apparently, subjected to racist 'abuse' and felt like she was being forced to renounce her citizenship.

Before getting to the horrifying events, there is some critical background information to consider: Marlene is a German name and Headley is a traditional British last name. To embrace her African heritage, Ms. Headley changed her name to Ngozi Fulani.

'Ngozi' appears to be a Nigerian name that means 'skin' in Swahili. Originating in Egypt, 'Fulani' describes a pastoral/nomadic people, of mixed ancestry, scattered throughout western Africa. In other words, it is the name of a specific group of people.

Ngozi Fulani works with Sista Space, which has received funding from Black Lives Mater, to support African and Caribbean (but not mixed race) women who have been impacted by domestic violence and sexual abuse.

Ngozi Fulani was invited to a reception at Buckingham Palace. (I have, since writing this, come to understand that Ms Fulani was not invited to this event but, instead, crashed it.)

Ngozi, is both proudly British and Afro-Caribbean.

Ngozi had dreadlocks, and she was dressed in unique fashions that appeared to have been inspired more by her Afro-Caribbean heritage than her British, with animal prints and jewelry that looked like either shells or teeth.

The trouble began when a senior member of the Royal Household, Lady Susan Hussey, previously a lady-in-waiting for the Queen, asked Ngozi where she was from. Initially, Ngozi answered, 'Sista Space'. Whether this answer was sincere or intentionally obtuse, we can only guess.

Lady Hussy pushed further, several times, asking where Ngozi was 'really' from, which may well have been rude, but Ngozi, didn't simply find it rude; she found it abusive. Ngozi later reported that she felt as though "Lady SH" had been pushing her to renounce her citizenship.

The result, thus far, is that Lady Hussey has had to resign her position, and Ngozi Fulani and her charity have been propelled to the international stage. Lasy Hussey is now a 'racist abuser,' and Ngozi Fulani is her victim.

Consider how we use the word 'offense.' We refer to offense being 'taken' (whether or not it was offered).

Consider how we use the word 'offense.' We refer to offense being 'taken' (whether or not it was offered). I am asked nearly daily, in my professional life, where I am from, and I NEVER find it offensive even when I justifiably could.

The responsibility for reasonable discourse between two people is up to both parties.

I am, for instance, often asked (because of my accent), 'what part of America' I am from? Since I am from South Africa (birth) and Canada (citizenship), I would be justified in being 'offended,' but what would that give me other than a difficult life? And so I don't take offense.

The responsibility for reasonable discourse between two people is up to both of them: each one attempting to be mindful of what the other *might* find offensive while also being accepting that our various social and cultural rules are malleable.

If we all look out for opportunities to be offended (something that is getting easier by the day), we will create a complicated, difficult, and, unpleasant society.

So what could have been done differently?

Susan Hussey could have recognized the awkwardness of the situation and dropped her line of questioning. While it is possible that Lady Hussey is a racist, it is also possible that she was simply taking an interest in Nkozi's advertisements that she was also 'from' elsewhere.

Ngozi Fulani, on the other hand, could have embraced her professed African pride and discussed her heritage openly and warmly instead of taking offense. While it is possible that Ngozi staged this incident for attention (she did record the interaction, after all), it is also possible that her sensitivity to victims of racism and abuse has her seeing these things even in their absence.

If you want an easier and more pleasant life, then I suggest making it much more difficult for people to offend you. Remember, too, that the easier you are to offend, the easier you are to control.

The easier you are to offend, the easier you are to control. - Eric Edmeades