Offended by a comment or an action?
Say something…give feedback…communicate!
The quality of any working relationship is only as strong as our ability to communicate effectively with one another.
When communication is consistently open and transparent relationships will strengthen and thrive - even when the communication isn’t always positive.
Conversely, when communication is infrequent, vague and layered with assumptions, relationships can fracture and, without remediation, may permanently break.
There are countless examples of relationships, both professional and personal, dissolving because of an irreconcilable difference, that, had feedback been given in a timely and compassionate way, may never have reached that point.
Take a look at the band Oasis, with the Gallagher brothers Liam and Noel, who split in 2009 after years of rivalry. From as early as 1995 the brothers engaged in unresourceful behaviour and public outbursts. RadioX shares that “During the recording of the second Oasis album ‘What’s The Story Morning Glory’ in Wales, Liam brought a group of people back to the studio while Noel was trying to work. Noel responded to this disruption by reportedly hitting his brother over the head with a handy cricket bat”.
After years of outbursts, both verbal and physical, Noel quit the band and went his own way with the brothers’ relationship never repairing and the tension never resolved.
So, what happened? While no one will ever know when, how or why the relationship fractured in the first place, we do know that there’s always more than one side to a story. And with more than one side to a story there really is no truth. It comes down to what you individually make it mean and how open you are to hear the other persons perspective.
Here’s an example of how a simple interaction can lead to a permanent relationship breakdown...
Person A says something to Person B.
Person B takes offense to how or why Person A has delivered the message but says nothing.
Person A has no idea offense has been taken and assumes everything is fine.
Person B waits for Person A to apologise. The apology doesn’t arrive.
Person B takes further offense - first about what was said and then about the absence of an apology and what this must mean to their relationship. Again, Person A has no idea.
Person B builds a very creative story around the intention of the original comment, and then the lack of apology. Emotions increase and still nothing is said.
Person B drops hints to Person A about their annoyance of the initial comment, but Person A isn’t picking up the hints and remains oblivious to what’s happened.
Person B, in their frustration, says something mean to Person A.
Now Person A takes offense but says nothing. Instead, they create a story about Person B’s intention for the comment and the frustration builds.
Person A and Person B continue making up stories in their mind and neither address the real issue.
A period of tit-for-tat ensues, the relationship becomes toxic and the damage is never repaired.
?Person A and Person B part, never really knowing what happened, outside of the stories they’ve created in their mind!
As you can see, a single comment that is left unaddressed can fester and grow and lead to a completely avoidable breakdown in a perfectly good relationship.
So, the next time you take offense to something, consider having a conversation with the other person to offer them some feedback.
It might be uncomfortable in the moment, but at least the other person will know where you stand. And your relationship will be stronger for it in the long run.
Shelley Flett is an expert in leadership development and team performance. With over a decade of experience in customer service and operations across banking & telecommunications she is focused on maximising efficiency and building high performance team cultures. As author of The Direction Dilemma & The Dynamic Leader Shelley works with leaders and teams across a variety of industries to break through their challenges and help them progress.
If you’d like to have a chat about how Shelley can support you please drop her an email [email protected].