An Ode to Being ND

What started as a personal message turned into this.

And then I realized it needed to be shared.

A lot like our best gifts.

I hope this offers some clarity, or maybe it can be

Maybe an Ode for others who are ND?

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It always starts wonderfully:

Excitement.

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I felt excitement at the prospect of what we could create together.

I felt excitement at who I would be and become if you agree.

I felt finally capable and worthy of being the change I could see.

The world was abundant, and I was more than capable.

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The feelings that come with that state is still palpable.

And from that place, I made promises that I could keep.

My identity changed when you said yes,

Back then I could have handled the stakes at risk.

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But, in retrospect, despite my best research, intuition, and desires

I didn't a clue what the hell what it would take.

How could I predict everything coming for you and for me?

I thought I could, but we both know plans never go as they should.

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So I took the responsibility for my excited desire,

And as you laid back preparing to be lavished by it,

I learned very quickly what it would take.

And old me wouldn't have it, so I turned to self-hate.

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I learned that in order to BE capable,

In order to BE the change that I could see,

I had to not just be focused on?excitement,

But all that supports it amidst life's changing sea.

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What supports it?

That varies by the moment, you see.

But I can say that whatever aspects are a part.

Seemed easy for me during that time of impart.

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You were trusting of me to deliver on my desires.

I was trusting of my self too.

I felt secure, ready, and excited.

And I didn't doubt for a moment what I wanted for you.

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Since then,

You may have been hurt

Let down, even broken.

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But now? Now not so much. You've gotten numb to the chaotic fluctuation.

It's wavered your trust in my abilities and my commitment.

At this point, you don't even think I care when I'm in it.

But you know what to expect, and it's not at all what I thought.

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But who's eally to blame when I think I'm on land land but I'm really at sea?

How long should I wait before I dub thee wavering change "stability"?

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Since then, so long ago

I learned that with trust of my self, so too comes trust from you,

If I give my word and am trusted, people will plan based on that word.

But if I'm doubted, my word is worth naught, and nothing is for sure.

Without trust, we cannot have certainty.

Without certainty, we cannot even notice the change.

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That certainty requires tenacity from me - since the one who committed is me.

It requires showing up for the challenges to face the next step of becoming.

It requires certainty while sailing the highest waves in the sea.

And sometimes, that's not something I have within me.

Especially when I know I'm on land, but it turns out I'm in the sea.

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I'm reminded that

If I am going to claim something from a place of abundance,

Isn't each moment a chance to find that state I remember so vividly?

And shortly following: how much will it take to get back to the familiar state of excitement?

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Whatever it is, it's a price I must pay

Because my mental state is no excuse to stray.

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So place my bets from the hope of clarity, never knowing for sure.

I have to find the right card for the turn.

But it's the flop, and I'm ahead, and it's not just me that I burn.

And as time goes by like the river, I try again.

And again, and again, "don't I ever learn?"

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Thats the seat of fury I feel with the tiniest mistake

The shame and the guilt when I'm even mildly out to sea

Ultimately means my word is one step closer to naught.

So mote it be (I guess)

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Each moment of let down - or even the chance of scarcity.

Each momoment like that creates the slightest thought of irresponsibility.

Each moment of suspicion makes it harder to see clearly.

Each of those moments is a time to do differently.

But I haven't, or "we wouldn't be here, now would we?"

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Each of those moments is more than just opportunity.

Thought what's really at stake?

Each doubt microaggresses and sabotages my intention - the original elation.

Each of those moments makes me wish I could just feel the land or the ocean.

"Man up," as it were, or something equally defensive.

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That's all I got, but it doesn't solve the social offenses.

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But the truth is, I'm just a human, and operating abundantly.

Until I'm not, then I'm still a human, operating in scarcity.

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There's nothing wrong or bad about choosing from clarity.

The sin is in the (very human) judgement that comes

When suspicion of failure (or worse real fails) equals compromised integrity.

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I become mad, frustrated, upset, aloof, and even afraid of little things.

Because I "know" those same little things cut and create the consequences for me.

I "know" where the consequences of those seemingly confident choices lead.

And it's to you not trusting me, despite however much I think I can see.

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And I know that I did everything that I could to bridge that gap.

But the problem remains; all hands on deck for the sign of instability.

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I cannot be trusted. I've proven it before.

And it's quite difficult to change that belief once it's set, that's for sure.

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And because I know yet another moment will come.

Another moment of exhilaration, abundance, and glee.

I remain unsure if - in that moment - I will make once again choose to feel free.

Maybe I should anticipate the inevitable, painful, and offensive irresponsibility?

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It's hard to say, since that moment is blind to the ups and down of the sea.

In that moment the waves certainly feel like stability.

This is the conundrum that causes my brain to "malfunction".

It's often why I go silent. I can't give what's uncertain.

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So from "stability", why not expect more?

Isn't that how to be spiritually free?

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And where is the balance between expansion and responsibility?

Somewhere in tides of time, so far away from me.

It certainly doesn't help that being human is held

Against me to a point where I feel bound be its hell.

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Unfortunately, this is the silent sonnet sung by so many.

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It's the social trauma that leaves me with one question:

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How can I get ahead of this, and guarantee certainty?

Certainlty to be trusted for what's reasonable and human, completely.

The celebration of certainty that "should be" easy for so many.

For me? It's a pattern, "never changing", and "progressless" insanity.

That's the crux of my fear -?the core of my insecurity.

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And, of course, without clarity falling backward is easy.

But because the truth is that there is no such thing as certainty.

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Why is it that being trusted is so unequivicolly....hard for me?

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The truth is, this fear of this failure...

It's been in the back of my mind

Ever since I made the promise during excited times.

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I never felt worthy of your trust to begin with.

And while I knew certainty isn't for sure.

It's easy to expect someone to deliver

A promise they made when they had a full quiver.

It's harder to be the broken boy with a hole in a his sneaker.

"Here's your food! Now I need to recover. Please leave me be"

Said no one ever. Not really even me. Especially not confidently.

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That has very little value when there's others, you see?

What am I worth, then, if there's others who you can trust?

I've not an idea, but I certainly know that I must...?

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This isn't a new pattern,

And it happens too frequently:

This hope for me to continue stably.

When this ebb of the sea happens inevitably.

All I can say is

--> "it's my responsibility,"

--> "I'll try harder next time," and

--> "I'm sorry" and

--> "Please forgive me"

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But this isn't an issue of capability, awareness, or effort.

It's human nature and where we're blind to the effect of our banter.

This blindness is the silent sonnet we sing; the creator of conflict; the unintended war that it brings.

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And there must be some apology or we're judged to not care.

And stability is required moving forward if we're to be trusted there.

It's a setup, but one that has no other strategy.

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And when I look at those million faults, failures, and imposed doubting sails,

I feel the guilt, the shame, the remorse, and the fear.

Because I'll know I could have done better, but I didn't see it there.

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My vigilence to routines, patterns, and strict schedule?

That's for the benefit of bonding, community, trust, and connection.

It's what I require to make any promise that's clear.

To know when I'm on sea and when there's land coming near.

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Because without me guiding myself to do what seems obsessive to you.

I've got not a guarantee that there's not more I could do.

Without the vigilence and prestine minding of my mind,

I can't confidently say I've done the best with my time.

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My frustrations aren't yours, but I hope that this helps.

To at least understand why the small things are so felt.

Why I'm "too sensitive" and "self-centered" and "selfish" at least.

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And why I'm rigid to structure, immersion, and ignoring things outside my bubble.

For me, it's more than just doing it because I feel unclear.

It's an insurance policy against instability, with no guarantees whatsoe'er.

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It's an insurance policy to increase the odds that I can trust me

whaen I'm blindly navigating land (or is it see)

When it seems I have clarity but theres the excitement of feeling free.

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Maybe it's another human being reading this, or maybe it'll be just a future version of me.

But in either case, I mean these words sincerely; I am sorry for the hurt and the betrayal.

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I wanted better, and still do.

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I ask your forgiveness while I take care of me,

So I can show up to the promises I've seen.

And stop blaming myself for the tiny cracks in foiled integrity.