October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I read this quote and wrote it down. I think it sums up the feeling for many who have been through this experience. Reading about pregnancy loss tends to be more on the clinical side—percentages, risk factors, symptoms and signs. But it’s not the statistics we remember, it’s the loss of our children. Suddenly and unexpectedly all our perfect plans unravel—it’s devastating and painful.

On October 25, 1988, President Reagan declared October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month to acknowledge and support those coping with this devastating loss. This is what he said that day: “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.”

I recently read some where that this month is not for the women who have been through it because we never forget—we don’t need the month to remember. Its purpose is to open the conversation and create awareness for others. This resonated with me and I wanted to know more.

What I found is 1 in 4 pregnancies with women end in a loss. So many of us are impacted yet, it’s difficult to talk about and people don’t know what to say. It can feel very lonely, and so I thought maybe by sharing my story, I could help others feel less alone. 

I remember coming back to work, sitting in my car, inside the parking garage. My hands sweating, feeling anxious-how would I handle people’s reactions? I was nervous to return to the office while in this emotional state. Fearful that a simple, well-intentioned “how are you” would hurt. I didn’t want to cry at work. I wanted to get through the day.

I went through two pregnancy losses that year. What happened and how I handled and experienced each were very different. What wasn’t different was the need to put one foot in front of another and get through it.

My first pregnancy was more public because I was further along and most people knew. I was lucky to have a handful of women reach out. A mentor shared her own story with me and checked in on me almost daily. Suddenly, my office hours had slots with the subject line “catch-up” and women would come to my office to share her own stories.

Discussing my loss was not easy, if was tough and could be emotionally draining. I wanted to do something, to help change this reality, to turn what I went through into something positive. How could I connect, support and help other women going through the same thing?

I started channeling my energy towards finding ways to help other women cope. I made the decision to start with sharing my own story and working with the HR Benefits team to ensure our benefits were clearly communicated. Maybe by doing so the next woman facing a pregnancy loss will know others have been there, and we understand and are here for you. .

I want to mention that my husband and I went through this together-we talk a lot about women going through this, but it’s important to keep in mind that men also experience pregnancy loss. They also need support and benefits during this time.

A couple friends from work gave me a gift card for a spa. Did I need one? No, but it was so thoughtful and turns out therapeutic. I went for a facial and when I shared the reason behind me being there, I started to cry. At the very end the woman came back in and said, “you know I don’t normally share this, but I wanted to let you know that I’ve gone through this too.” It was one of those moments I will never forget. 

In closing, for all those trying to cope, I wanted to share a few things that helped me:

• Remember you are not alone
• Try to talk with people you are comfortable with and share
• Writing down your feelings helps
• There is no right answer or path-find what is right for you
• Accept that it’s ok to be sad and to grieve
• Do what you need to do in that moment to get to the other side