October 11 is National Coming Out Day: Share Your Story

This week started a new term for the U.S. Supreme Court where they’ll hear several landmark cases, including one that’ll decide if the Civil Rights Act of 1964 protects LGBT+ workers from employment discrimination. The potential workplace implications of this case give this year’s National Coming Out Day (NCD), which takes place annually on October 11, a heightened sense of significance. #NationalComingOutDay is partly a celebration for everyone who has come out as LGBT+—or as an ally—for equality. It also provides encouragement and support for people who want to live their lives openly and safely. 

Coming out is a personal experience, and not everyone is fortunate to receive support or acceptance. My own coming out experience happened over a long period. There was no big announcement at a family gathering or even a defining “coming out” moment for me. I feared that my family and friends would find out, and having a twin brother who was very different from me, only made me more self-conscious.

When I was in junior high, my family left Catholicism and joined a non-denominational, fundamentalist church, at the urging of one of my older brothers. We went from going to church exclusively for weddings and funerals to attending religious services four times a week. A few months after converting, my older sisters collected all of our “secular” music and burned it in a pile in our backyard. Seeing my worn-out, vinyl single of Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” melting in the pyre is seared in my memory.

On Sundays, the pastor would select a specific “sin” and invite individuals struggling with it to be healed. Whenever the pastor called out homosexuality, which seemed like every other week, I sat still so nobody would look my way. Eventually, some poor soul would run sobbing to the altar where the pastor and other church elders laid hands on him or her while everyone else stood and extended an arm in loud prayer.

Learning to pretend—that I was part of this religious group, that I wasn’t what their belief system called a “sinner”—helped me blend in and survive during this tough period. I mostly pretended to be more like my twin brother. As I got older, I used my family’s beliefs to shield myself from having to pretend to date girls.

As soon as I left for college, I distanced myself from my family and their beliefs. It wasn’t until my senior year that I started coming out to people, all of them perfect strangers. Two years after graduation, I finally came out to one of my closest college friends. We were eating pizza, and she just shrugged her shoulders and said, “I know.”

With time and after countless hours of therapy, I’ve accepted that nothing short of denying who I am would appease those in my family whose religion leads them to adamantly believe I’m going to Hell. Sadly, as a result, they haven’t been part of my life for a while now. And, if we ever reconnected, I’d share that I’m proud of the life I’ve built for myself in New York City. In the summer of 2016, I married Matt, my partner of 10 years, surrounded by family and friends who love and support us.

I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I am anti-religion; I’m not. But, my personal experience with specific religious tradition is a big part of my coming out story. My life has been impacted because people I love have chosen their beliefs over our connection, and I know I’m not alone.

To anyone reading this and wondering why I'm sharing “private stuff” on a professional platform, I'm happy to discuss the importance of all colleagues having the same opportunity to share their weekend plans or place a picture of their family in their workspace without fearing rejection, discrimination, or worse, getting fired. We sometimes refer to hiding parts of who we are as covering and even straight, white men report having to bend themselves to fit in at work. Covering takes a lot of energy to keep up, and it has a profoundly negative impact on productivity and engagement.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with coming out, know that you have support. Please visit HRC's National Coming Out Day resource site for more information.