An Obligation of Cheerfulness

When I was in college, I remember going through a pretty bad spell of emotional depression, maybe the worst I had ever experienced during a time of my life when down days were not rare. Midway through that particular dark night of the soul, a guy who lived down the hall in my dorm saw me one day somewhere in Chapel Hill laughing with someone and exuded, "Tom Morris, you must be the happiest person I've ever known! Are you ALWAYS this way?" I smiled and replied, "I'll give you the whole story if you have a couple of hours." He did, and he ended up becoming a psycho-therapist. True story. He was misled about my inner state at the time because I always tried to smile and be cheerful around people, even when I was going through a tough time.

There are two conflicting perspectives on that in our culture. One says, "Yeah! Smile! Turn that frown upside down! It's good for you!" We're urged to act the way we'd ideally like to feel, because, you know, the facial muscles involved in smiling send neural signals that trick your brain and actually MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER! Plus, you attract other people to you when you smile, you social butterfly, you, and before you know it, people want to be around you and invite you to parties and hire you and pay you lots of money, and you're on top of the world. It's a psycho-social version of "Fake it till You Make It!"

The other perspective says "NO! Absolutely not! Are you crazy? Acting in a way you don't feel is utterly inauthentic, crassly fake, and totally manipulative!" On this take, if you feel happy and cheerful, smiles are natural and fine, but if you don't, then they aren't. The moral imperative is to show how you really feel and never mislead anyone about that.

There's actually a third perspective between the "Win Friends and Influence People Approach" and the "Show What You Feel at All Times Avenue." It's not about either expression or manipulation, but care and altruism. And that was what I was trying to live as an undergraduate. The motivating idea was this: If I feel down, why should I bring others down with me? It's not like "Spread the Gloom" is a compelling philosophy of life. My smiles weren't meant to trick my brain and get me some feel-good endorphins, nor were they to lure the unsuspecting into liking me and doing things for me. They were an effort to have a positive influence on the moods of others and maybe lift them up even when I might feel a little down, or maybe a lot.

I could not find any good reason to think that facial expressions, or comments, or tones of voice ought always to express one's inner emotional state of the moment. In fact I could identify many reasons why that's not a good idea. And to the worry that it's fake or inauthentic not to mirror perfectly your emotional state all the time, I would ask why we should think that personal authenticity is about always embodying and expressing our fleeting and variable feelings. I think of authenticity as a lot deeper than that. It's about other things, like living your highest values even when it's hard. And I think of our outward behavior as properly governed by an authentic concern for others as well as ourselves.

The fine line is how to balance being a man for others, or a woman who heals with also being in touch with and respecting who you are and what you might need at any particular time. There is no algorithm for that, and we can judge it differently. Interestingly, I did eventually grow into a genuinely happier person, and when the surging hormones of adolescence subsided, I left behind those big inner mood swings that had been such a problem for me. And now in my mature adulthood, I even get described sometimes as "the world's happiest philosopher," which may be true, though don't be too impressed, since that could be a little like being The Kentucky Derby's Tallest Jockey, or Japan's Thinnest Sumo Wrestler. And yet, I still often smile not just to express myself, but to show others my care and esteem for them. I've long felt an obligation of cheerfulness and still do. Others don't. But I won't let that get me down.