Obi-Wan Kenobi EP.V Career Reflections

Upon finishing the latest episode of Obi-Wan Kenobi over at Disney Plus, I had to take down several lines which made me reflect on my career, and my own journey so far.

??Spoilers ahead. Proceed at your own risk. ??

One of my favorite scenes from the series so far - FINALLY, a proper lightsaber fight! It was a delight watching Master and Padawan duel, with several callbacks to their final battle at Mustafar. Who would forget that minutes-long choreography, which the actors rehearsed for weeks + John Williams' Anakin vs. Obi-Wan track. It was also a delight to spot one of the flashiest, albeit most impractical, lightsaber move, the twirly ObiAni.

Your need for victory - it blinds you!

It is inevitable that we disagree with the people we closely work with. With hundreds of processes in place and tasks that constantly need to be attended to, it's highly likely someone will miss something along the way.

You have your ways of solving problems, they have ways of doing it too. And while you both want to achieve the same results, one way may just be more efficient, practical and simpler than the other.

Naturally, we would want our own tried and tested methodologies to work because it's logical. It. Just Works. That doesn't mean we have to put another person's ideas down and rub it in. Honestly, it took me a year to evolve from focusing too much on completing a task my way, to considering what other people's inputs are - no matter how small they may be.

Rather than saying, "This isn't the right way to do things, let's do this one instead" and 'winning' the argument, it is better to act the teacher and let the student learn.

Seek first to understand where they are coming from.

• Why do you think this would work?
• What makes it more efficient than the process we're currently doing?
• It's important for me, sure, but do you also have time and capacity to make this task a focus for you, too?
• Do you want to try doing it your way, then we'll do it my way?

Give the other party a chance to explain their thought process before shutting it down because it sounds impractical at first. Who knows, you might pick something up from there and use it as a strategy next time.

You're a great warrior, (ban)Anakin, but your need to prove yourself is your undoing. Until you've overcome it, Padawan you will still be!

I didn't exactly grow up with my merits being acknowledged, so I always had to achieve something just so I can get what I want. If I wanted an increase on my school allowance, whilst I'm in grade school, I have to be within the top 5 achievers of our batch. It felt so unfair that my underperforming classmates were getting more from their parents, while I have to settle with less and still study hard for it to 'earn' it. (Maybe I'd thank this early exposure to life's ups and downs, but that's another thing to unpack.)

I always felt that I needed to prove that I'm capable because I'm deathly afraid that people would see me as a failure. Sounds familiar? It's the classic imposter syndrome.

Impostor Syndrome graphic from Verywell Mind / Theresa Chiechi

During my new manager's onboarding, I shared with her why I feel like I'm a blackhole- an Everything Bagel (Have you seen Everything, Everywhere All At Once? Amazing!) - who feels the NEED to do it all. "If nobody does it, who will? I don't want to let anyone down." "If nobody calls it out, how will it be corrected?" "I am afraid that I'm whipping my team too hard when I see gaps." When I was told to take it slow, I broke down. On a call. Embarrassing - I know.

So, thank you Obi-Wan. Until I get over my insecurities and internal panic, I will not be able to rise up and get a better role. As much as I'd want to thank my impostor syndrome for keeping me at performance level, I know it already took a toll on my mental - and physical health.

Verywell Mind's mental health webinar tackles this issue. There's a 10 minute summary included. There are various ways to cope and get over the impostor syndrome, and through the years, here are some that personally worked for me:

• Explore life outside of work. There are many other ways to achieve. In 2019, I started having fun with running. I'd say 2019 is one of my best years! I can't wait to get back to it.
• Set, and respect your own boundaries. People are creatures of habit. While there is a huge pressure to achieve, try not to send work emails on your off hours and days. You're already doing it as an extra service... but when people get used to it and you stop, it may reflect badly on you.
• Remember that being a work in progress is okay. There is no immediate jump to perfection specially when you're in transition. There are periods when I pull my hair out, literally and figuratively, because I'm in a liminal space. With a great support system and a manager you can trust who can navigate you as you move from one project to another, you'll be fine. Otherwise, trust yourself enough to know that, when you're thrown into the deep, your instincts will teach you how to swim. (Still working on this!)
• Track your progress. Been doing this since 2013. Whenever I accomplish something great, I send myself an email so that I'd remember its specifics. What was my contribution? What did my stakeholders say? How did I feel during that time? Sometimes, it's good to remember all the amazing things we've done otherwise, they'd be buried as a distant memory over piles and piles of to dos. This is why Performance reviews play a very important role not just for an employee's career growth and pay adjustment - it's a way to give them closure. An acknowledgement and appreciation of what they've done for the year, and a closure for everything else as you step into the new chapter together. Performance reviews, if done right, can be very powerful for employees who are susceptible to being a forever Padawan.

Your rage was useful, now it is tiresome.

For a corporate setting, I wouldn't call it rage, but the Grand Inquisitor was on point. This resonated so well with me. After everything I've written above... and years spent being always passionate, always pushing, always proving - I do feel tired. I'm also tired of myself - I need a break from me while I build me up.

I don't want to be Vader anymore, though it's what I've always wanted - wearing all black, with glowy panels, and can force choke anyone when they say something stupid.

I want to be a wife. If still possible, I also want to explore being a human-mom (at the moment, I am a cat-mom). I want to explore being a set photographer/ director, and on the side, make buttery babkas, paint, and build our community garden. I want to be a good daughter and 'ate', not someone who's always tired on weekends. I need to run up and down mountains, or at least, have enough energy to reach the peak. We'll get there.

I'm ending this with Bo Burnham's The Chicken song.

If the chicken can, why can't I?