Nurturing a Lifelong Love: A Deep Dive into Building a Stronger Marriage

This week marks the one-year anniversary of my dad’s passing, and I can’t say it’s been easy. If you have loved someone dearly and lost them, you know how difficult all those “firsts” can be.

I woke up the Saturday morning one year later and it’s as if my body knew it was the day before my mind contemplated it. An extremely emotional one, grief welled up fresh and it seemed that everything brought me to shed fresh tears. My heart hurt especially for my precious mom whose pain was palpable over the loss of her sweet husband of 69 years. As Zig Ziglar put it, “Deep grief is a sign of deep love.” And my mom would never trade the love. Me either…

In today’s blog, Nurturing a Lifelong Love, I want to talk about how to build and maintain a thriving marriage. Because, the last year has reminded me, once again, how precious and short life is. Seeing my parents’ life-long love inspires me to want to do better in my own marriage; to love better, and to be a strong example to our kids and grandkids the way my mom and Dad were to us.

Marriage is a journey filled with joy, challenges, growth, and profound connection. It's a partnership where two individuals embark on a shared adventure, navigating life's ups and downs together. While the rewards are immeasurable, maintaining a thriving marriage is far from easy. It requires effort, intentionality, and a willingness to learn and adapt.

As someone who has experienced the highs and lows of married life, I'd like to share some insights and practical tips that my husband, Graham, and I have learned along the way. These lessons, drawn from personal experiences and the wisdom of my parents and others, have helped us build a stronger, more fulfilling marriage.

Commitment: The Foundation for a Lasting Marriage

Shortly before my dad passed he and I had a fireside chat where I asked him how he and Mom had a successful marriage for decades. His first response – their commitment to each other.

In my own experience and in talking to others with the achievement of a long and happy marriage, commitment always makes the top of the list. When you both commit, you commit, period. This means that no matter what, you stick to it. If you don’t have this in place, it is far too easy to give up when the going gets tough. And let’s face it, it always gets tough.

Communication: The Cornerstone of Connection

Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of any successful marriage. It's the bridge that allows you to understand each other's thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. However, communication isn't always easy. We all have different communication styles, shaped by our personalities, experiences, and upbringing.

Fortunately, Graham and I discovered before we were married that we had similar ways of communicating. (We were proactive in taking a couple of different personality tests such as the Birkman Assessment that can be very helpful to understand communication styles.)

But this often isn’t the case – you know, opposites attract. You may be a classic "doer," always on the move, preferring action over words. Your spouse, on the other hand, may be an "analyzer," preferring to think things through thoroughly before speaking.

Recognizing these differences can be a breakthrough moment if you sometimes struggle to connect and give you a common language to navigate those challenges.

If you're unsure of your own communication style or your partner's, consider taking a communication assessment together. There are many excellent tools available, such as the Birkman that Graham and I took, DISC assessment or the Love Languages quiz. These assessments can provide valuable insights into how you and your partner communicate, helping you understand each other better and improve your interactions.

Remember, communication is a two-way street. It's about listening actively, expressing yourself clearly, and being willing to compromise. It's about creating a safe space where both partners feel heard, respected, and valued.

Intentional Time Together: Nurturing the Bond

In the whirlwind of daily life, it's easy for couples to drift apart. Work, kids, household chores, and social obligations can all compete for your time and attention. However, making time for each other is crucial for nurturing the bond you share.

Schedule regular date nights, even if it's just a simple dinner at home or a walk in the park. These dedicated moments allow you to reconnect, have fun, and rediscover the spark that brought you together.

Check in with each other daily. After dinner, take a few minutes to ask your spouse about their day, share your own experiences, and simply talk. These conversations, however brief, can make a big difference in staying connected.

And don't forget about the importance of unplugged vacations. Even consider a sabbatical as Graham and I did when we took an unforgettable bucket list trip to Ecuador and Peru. Leave your work emails behind, turn off your phones, and truly be present with each other. This is a time to relax, recharge, and create lasting memories together.

Try Something New Together: Reignite the Spark

As the years go by, it's easy for routines to set in and for the excitement to fade. That's why it's important to inject some novelty into your relationship. Try a new hobby together, take a dance class, learn a new language, or embark on a weekend adventure.

If I can put on a wetsuit and experience cold water snorkeling with sharks you can do it too! Stepping outside of your comfort zone and experiencing new things together can reignite the spark and create a sense of shared adventure.

Express Gratitude: The Language of Love

One of the simplest yet most powerful ways to strengthen your marriage is to express gratitude. Tell your spouse how much you appreciate them, leave them little love notes, or create a gratitude jar where you can write down things you're thankful for each day. This practice can have a profound impact on your relationship, fostering a sense of appreciation and deepening your connection.

The Secret Ingredient: Faith and Prayer

Remember my dad spoke about the importance of commitment. He added to this the commitment to God first. “Your commitment to God, and your shared faith in him is the foundation for your marriage.”

Following my parents’ example, faith and prayer play a significant role in our marriage. Research suggests that couples who actively participate in church and pray together significantly reduce their chance of divorce. It's not just about attending church, but about setting aside dedicated time to pray together, lift up your concerns, and surrender them to God. It's about seeking guidance, wisdom, and strength from a higher power.

Additional Tips for a Thriving Marriage

• Find a counselor if needed: There's no shame in seeking professional help to work through challenges. A counselor can provide a safe space for you and your spouse to communicate openly, gain new perspectives, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
• Connect with other couples: Build a network of friends who share your values and can offer support and encouragement. Having other couples to turn to for advice, fun, and fellowship can be invaluable.
• Be present with your spouse: In today's digital age, distractions are everywhere. Make a conscious effort to put away your phone, turn off the TV, and be fully present with your spouse. Listen attentively, engage in meaningful conversations, and show genuine interest in their lives.
• Practice forgiveness: Nobody is perfect, and mistakes are inevitable in any relationship. Be willing to forgive your spouse, just as you would want them to forgive you. Holding onto grudges will only create distance and resentment.
• Never stop dating your spouse: Even after years of marriage, it's important to keep the romance alive. Plan surprise date nights, write love letters, or simply tell your spouse how much you love and appreciate them.

Marriage is a lifelong journey of love, growth, and companionship. By investing time and effort into your relationship, communicating openly, expressing gratitude, and nurturing your faith, you can build a marriage that not only lasts but thrives.

Remember, it's the little things that often make the biggest difference. So, cherish those moments, celebrate your love, and create a marriage that is truly extraordinary