Nurturing the Future: A Mother's Promise for My Son on International Women's Day 2024 ??

As we embrace the significance of International Women's Day this year, it holds a deeply personal resonance for me. Amidst the resurgence of the Barbie effect and the universal connection to America Ferrara’s monologue, I have reflected on my career throughout the years, but particularly this past 12 months have been a journey through both the highest highs and lowest lows I’ve ever experienced both in my professional and personal life.

This article has its intricacies. I strive to create a narrative that resonates with my male counterparts without invoking a sense of offence. However, I realised this isn’t always possible, as male counterparts struggle to envisage the challenges women have faced in male dominated environments (like many workplaces), without taking it personally. So, I decided instead of tiptoeing around 'apologies for men,' a nod to Barbie's wisdom, I chose to share my experiences unabashedly.?

Just a couple of weeks ago, thanks to the privilege of access to affordable IVF, I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy, catapulting me into the role of a boy mum. Unfortunately, his start in life was complicated, as I sat in the Grace NICU, a very daunting place for very sick babies, nervously awaiting to know when and how they would operate on his tiny heart. As the beeping and alarms continue, I found comfort in distracting myself by contemplating his future. I dreamt of a world free from gender inequalities, a vow ignited within me – to nurture him not as a passive bystander but as a man ardently advocating for his female counterparts. His understanding will extend to the distinct journeys women tread, recognising his responsibility to amplify their voices and create spaces for their success, acknowledging the injustices they may have faced. He will be raised with a conscious awareness of his privilege that he'll leverage to help uplift others.?

My perspective is shaped by my experience of gender inequalities. However, I am consciously aware of my privileges. I hope to instill inclusivity in my child, transcending systemic norms that extend beyond workplace sexism, encompassing all forms of discrimination.

As I pause to focus on raising my son and reflect on my career, I've come to realise that over the past year, I reached a state of burnout. Surprisingly, it wasn't caused by the challenges of my job or an overwhelming workload; I genuinely enjoyed what I did. Instead, the burnout stemmed from a lifetime of navigating behaviors and cultures steeped in toxic masculinity. Admitting this is challenging because, beyond a few overtly toxic individuals and an early incident in my career when I was propositioned by an older male manager in a hotel lift, most were unwitting or passive bystanders. They saw themselves as the "good guys," a label I initially endorsed. However, their failure to provide adequate support for me as a female member of the team hindered my ability to thrive in an environment systematically tailored for the comfort of my male colleagues.

To help ensure my son does not become one of these bystanders, I will help guide him on the right path, by sharing my own experiences of:

• Gender-bias: when I have been set to fail because every time, I show confidence I am seen as “negative” but when my male counterpart slams his hand on a table that is accepted as him being passionate or an unspoken agreement that this form of communication is accepted between the men on the team. The real kicker was when this was pointed out to them, the response I got was the opposite of support.
• Institutional betrayal: by actively not taking steps to address micro-aggression or in this case when a workplace advocates for actual aggression, it failed to protect me from the trauma created because I couldn’t belong in this team because of the double standards my male colleagues failed to see they were creating (even when given feedback). A different workplace I became aware that despite being the top performer in the team, I was paid significantly less than my male counterparts. It took me a further 6-months for this inequality to recognised and rectified.
• Double standards: If I tried to ‘fit in’ and demonstrate the same behaviours I would be described as difficult or a blocker, if I was too ‘polite’ I wasn’t heard. I remember occasions where I would share my genuine professional opinion like ‘it isn’t possible to hire 30 highly skilled unique roles in one quarter’ I would receive feedback that I was being “negative”, yet when my male counterpart shared, he couldn’t do something (by slamming his hand on the table or raising his voice at another colleague) nothing was said at all. Further, when I shared how I was feeling with this team rather than working with me to find an environment or way of communicating where we could all thrive, it was shut down by saying they didn’t want someone on the team whom they “had to walk on eggshells with”. In other words, I was low-key gaslit.?
• Gaslit: I wanted to believe that many of these well-intentioned, yet ill-informed, male counterparts throughout my career would be able to understand my concerns if I spoke up. Unfortunately, it felt like I hit a nerve when I did try and share how it made me feel with some of those whom I trusted. These colleagues, many of whom I thought were my friends, would dismiss or undermine my concerns. They would say things like “I can’t comment on your experiences, but I just can’t see it”, which made me feel like I had no credibility.?Or when I kept bringing up the topic of the pay inequalities, my female manager downplayed the seriousness of the situation by simply saying "its how its always been" and then went on to tell me how she has experienced it her whole career and that we should simply just accept it.

As you can see working in environments where thriving seemed elusive, despite meeting agreed targets time and time again, I grappled with authenticity and vulnerability. Each day became a battle for survival, concealing personal challenges like infertility and the trials of IVF. To this day, over the span over multiple workplaces, I still wonder how some of these colleagues (or as I once thought, friends) would have reacted if they knew that often before the workday had even started, I already felt like a failure due to infertility. I wonder if they would have shown empathy or support, maybe changed the way they communicated, made space for me to thrive, or if this personal information would have made them uncomfortable and they would have either downplayed it or outrightly ignored it as not relevant to them. Personally I suspect some of these colleagues already knew some of the personal challenges I was facing (despite my attempt to hide it) and that this latter option would have been a more accurate description.

It is important to note, I do not write this article with any malice towards any of my previous employers or colleagues, there were some great time too and I have grown with each role. It simply a personal account, across my entire career of where I have experienced gender inequality within the workplace. The fact it spans across multiple employers, in multiple countries and continents is another nod to the vast problem we face closing this gap.

The mind-boggling reality persists that so much of what women experience has not been carefully considered when designing the modern-day workforce. It has not considered some regular health impacts like PMS, PMDD, Menopause, IVF to the need for childcare through to how their leadership and support needs differ. For me and many others, IVF is an arduous journey that lacks the protection afforded to pregnancy and breastfeeding. Even with legal backing, I have heard countless women endure mistreatment from their employers, resorting to concealment, compounding the trauma.?I had worked so hard to become a leader of my field, and I desparetely craved the feeling of support and belonging amongst my peers. However, this is hard to come by when the system encapsulating the workplace rarely protects or advocates for women.

Unfortunately, these experiences merely scratch the surface of a shared narrative among many women I’ve encountered. Workplace inequality transcends mere compensation, painting a stark picture of the vast gap that persists and what is required from our male counterparts to close this gap.

For International Women’s Day 2024, my promise is to nurture my son into an advocate against workplace discrimination, fostering inclusivity. Imperfections are embraced, mistakes encouraged, making amends and learnings are celebrated.?

Join me in transforming our corners of the world for the better. How will you make a change? Is there a female counterpart you may have unintentionally hurt? Is now the time to make amends? ?

#IWD2024 #InclusivityMatters #EmpowerChange #toxicmasculinity #workplacecultures #CongentialHeartDefects #IVF

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