Nurturing Beautiful Parenthood: Mindful actions as a Full-Time Parent with a Side Hustle
Applying RAS and Self-Determination Theory in parenting during the golden age of childhood (0~6 years old), I’m eager to share how these frameworks have influenced my approach to developing the venture, Real Beautiful Parenthood, and my parenting with my two young boys.
A Mind-Body Loop Inspired by RAS
In a recent coaching session with inviteCHANGE, I was introduced to the concept of the Reticular Activating System (RAS) . Essentially, the RAS is located in the brainstem and functions as a “filter” for your brain. Specifically, it sorts all external stimuli into what it perceives as “important and relevant” to you. This includes: sounds, images, and touch, but excluding smell, which is tied to your emotional center of the brain.
As a result, different people may focus on different aspects of the same situation. In other words, we have the ability to choose what we pay attention to. For example, if you decide to look for pinecones in a forrest, you’ll start noticing pinecones more quickly.
Key Takeaways:
This resembles the law of attraction. If we consistently tell ourselves, “I’m not good at math or I struggle with writing,” it’s likely our performance in those areas won’t be exceptional. Since self-talk shapes our RAS filter, we instinctively seek signals of proofs, which naturally solidify our beliefs in daily life.
Consequently, I created two short self-affirmation audios:
This practice has become essential for my mind-body balance, helping to calm my mind and enhance my performance, particularly before deep work.
Self-Determination Theory in Parenting
In parenting, I’ve recently embraced the “Self-determination Theory,” which was developed by Dr. Edward Deci and Dr. Richard Ryan. The theory suggests that everyone has three fundamental psychological needs: Autonomy, Relatedness and Competency.
When these needs are met, it potentially shifts extrinsic motivations towards more intrinsic ones and enhances motivation. If you remember in Wednesday Wondering #03, I shared my take on how to cultivate Play, Purpose and Potential in conversations for thriving culture building. My understanding of the correlation between the ToMo (Total Motivation) and the Self-determination Theory is:
Here’s a simple example of how I apply it to a more generative conversation with my 4-year-old son, Ran:
In this interaction, I consciously made choices to meet his needs for Relatedness, Autonomy, and Competency, using empowering questioning techniques from my Generative Coaching program.
Looking back, I realized I was also incorporating elements of design thinking to help him find innovative solutions. For instance, I initiated low-fidelity prototypes for closer engagement and responses from my kid. It was a proud moment for me, blending generative conversation and design thinking in parenting to spark my kids’ motivation in creative problem-solving.
Most importantly, we both thoroughly enjoyed the activity, and I felt more connected with him through our play.
As full-time parents with young kids, we’re constantly juggling tasks, facing challenges, and dealing with emotional breakdowns from both our kids and ourselves. It’s natural to feel the urge to keep taking actions, but sometimes we need to slow down to go further.
I learned that it’s worth it to take a pause and notice my emotions — am I tense (orange) or in the flow (green)? If there’s tension, take a long, deep breath, counting down from 3, 2, 1. Give myself a 30-second affirmation talk to remind myself of my parenting intentions, and then return to the flow of life.
Parenting is a continuous learning process, where every moment of self-talk, adaptation, and reflection helps me grow alongside my little humans. Inspired by Dr. Laura Markham, author of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids,”:
Parenthood is about teaching kids the art of living. While kids learn from our actions, our main job as parents is to connect emotionally, build affirmation, and act as their emotion coach, especially during their formative years, aka. the golden years of childhood.
Thank you for reading this short lesson. I’m keen to learn from your wisdom and suggestions on the following:
How did you utilize the RAS or Self-Determination Theory in practice? What’s your favorite takeaway from my visual note and insight summary? What would you like to see more or less of? Other suggestions?
Wednesday Wondering:
Every week, I share the most wondering thing I’ve learned in Generative Coaching. Drawing from my coaching notes, insights from user research, and my passion as a meditative art facilitator, I’ll share short lessons that help me rediscover joyful purposes in life and work. With a beginner’s mind, join me on the tide of coaching together.
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