Nurture your Relationships Consciously...and with Gratitude

Synopsis:  Article 5 from the Leading from Afar series discusses the importance of consciously nurturing the relationships that matter most to you and acknowledging them with gratitude. Why? Because leaders know how to nurture other leaders, and in turn genuinely show gratitude for the support they've received. They also know it is through and because of relationships - built on mutual appreciation, respect, and commitment - that great things happen. Geneva's beautiful Bains des Parque serves as a parallel story line, a living example of the the bonds people form and the power and meaning they hold.

Bains des Parque, Geneva

This week, I'm writing from the beautiful Bains des Parque, a jewel along Lake Geneva, in Geneva Switzerland.  My partner, Herbert, is leading a seminar here and he invited me along.  Who would refuse? Here at les Bains, people cue up along the boardwalk to pay the nominal entrance fee of two Swiss francs, a true bargain given the inflated costs here. Young and old, local and world travelers, all come.  Though most are Swiss and French locals, many are stationed diplomats and visitors from around the globe.  All, regardless of origin, add to the magic of the place.  It's an unpretentious setting, with concrete walkways and sun bleached aqua colored tables seated by metal chairs. Woven reed mats hang overhead, and help mute the hot sun fighting to get through. But the breeze, cool from the Lake, is a welcome addition. Swans and mallards weave easy streams around the swimmers who join them in the Lake. The numerous French speakers provide the melody and are backed up by the vocals of the softly chirping finches. They all perform in unison, DJs 'au naturel'. 

Found on every side of the long pier are rocky beaches and stone stairways that gently lead swimmers and waders into the water.  In the open rooms that sit adjacent to the pier, are toilletes and changing rooms. There are also designated swimming areas, one that forbids smokers to enter and another that allows only females who wish to discretely and privately sunbathe topless.  A cafe sits central to two dining areas, its serving area helping customers lined up on both sides, each with open views of the Lake. Each day at the cafe, both afternoon and evening, patrons are offered a plat du jour. Always simply served on plain white porcelain plates, and placed atop plastic trays, delicious meals like veal with dill cream sauce, warm chèvre salad, and poached salmon with chickpeas, mint and lemon, avoid being pretentious thanks to their humble presentation. Many pass on the daily plate in favor of the regularly offered salade Nicoise or Greek, each served with a nice chunk of freshly baked farm bread. Most customers accompany their meal with a cold glass of white wine or draft beer on hot days like these. And like the food, each is simply served in plastic cups.

Les Bains opens early for sunrise swimmers, cafe au lait drinkers, and morning paper readers. Similarly it stays open late to accommodate day workers, sunset watchers, and lovers who prefer the cover of moonlight. Always in view, no matter where one sits, is the Lake's impressive fountain, a great and powerful geyser of water shooting up from a baseless point, high and strong and back down again. It is a steady stream of exquisiteness. And, most impressive of all, a sight seen and sought by all, is the vibrant and alive humanity that is this place. These people. These beautiful people.

Bains des Parque's Relevance to Leadership

I'm describing Bains des Parque for more than just bragging rights. The real appeal of les Bains is its incredible social fiber. People come here to be with others and to celebrate life. They come to be together in the sunshine or under moonlight to swim, gossip, laugh, be in love, eat, and drink. This article speaks to the same: the importance of celebrating life, and of honoring and nurturing relationships in a conscious way, and with gratitude. Why? Because leaders do both. Leaders do their best to take nothing for granted, remaining conscious of how to do better by others and appreciating when others have done well by them. To be honest, it's only through this process of writing today that I realized that it takes more than conscious nurturing to sustain relationships. I realized it's also about the gratitude I have for these relationships, an appreciation of how fortunate I am to have them. So in response to this belated insight, I adjusted the title accordingly and expanded the lesson.  

Constant Consciousness?

Let's remember that we don't always need to, nor is it possible, to be conscious and aware all the time. Yet the more we are alert and aware in the moment, the more we can trust our auto-pilot to do her thing when we aren't. At least an occasional act of reflection on your part, on the good fortune life has brought you, and occasional bouts of conscious effort to keep your important relationships thriving, is certainly a good habit to get into. For those of you who may be saying "What good fortune has come my way?", you may want to return to an earlier article from this series, Understanding your Behaviors and the Motivations Behind Them, to better understand the filters that influence the way you see the world. We have the power to adjust those filters and see the world through a more positive and appreciative lens, a very helpful and even life-saving capability.

A Truth

I'm going to admit something horribly true about myself so I come clean with my own humanity, but the not-so-nice part of it.  As a younger professional, I was traveling the world often three out of four weeks a month.  At the time, I was a consultant and senior program manager for a Fortune 100 company.  I spent a great deal of time in airports, frustrated with delays, cancellations, and the of mass humanity running hurriedly from one place to the next.  It brought out the worst in me, a perverse need to control my environment (I unabashedly admit that I am attempting to set up this story so you might be more inclined to forgive it).  

Often, during my wait times between flights, I would play a game called "Off the Planet".  The rules of the game varied slightly depending on whether I was playing alone or with another. Sad but true, friends were easily compelled to play along with me. If I was playing alone, I would mentally voice my decision to banish or let remain. On the planet, that is. When playing "Off the Planet" with another, most often my best friend and common travel partner, Lo, we would utter our sentence in hushed tones, sometimes definitively, sometimes a bit reluctantly, but undoubtedly for everyone who passed by. On bad days I'm afraid, hardly anyone was still walking.  Our game was pretty harsh. 

Change can Happen

Happily I report, change can happen. I've come a long way since those days of deciding the fate of unassuming travelers. I now appreciate diversity, and demonstrate a much greater degree of acceptance and acts of inclusion. (I do sometimes wonder as I look around at observing travelers, if I have suffered banishment under another's less evolved scrutiny, however.)  And here, back at the Bains des Parque, no one is voted away. Quite to the contrary. All must stay because we all are what make this place so special, so happy, so alive.  Everyone doing there own thing, respectfully, together.

Nurturing Relationships with Gratitude

In this context then, let's turn to the subject at hand: the importance of nurturing relationships consciously.  It's much easier to do if you are physically present. Yet being there isn't a guarantee either that you are consciously appreciative or suitably attentive to your relationships. So though it is even more challenging to do while one is working remotely, it is beneficial to start paying attention consciously to what you are doing that effectively nurtures the relationships that matter most to you, as well as begin to overtly express the gratitude you have toward others who have supported your development and progression. An effective leader attends to these things, because an effective leader knows - no, cherish and appreciates - how much relationships matter. Leaders sustain, and are sustained, by relationships. An infinite loop.

This article then, is a simple appeal to each of us to be and remain, as much as possible, more consciously appreciative and nurturing of others and of those who offer us the support and guidance that helps us thrive.

A Bit about Entitlement and How it Can Work Against Gratitude

I work for a National Lab and there are a lot of brilliant minds there. Often when dealing with such intellectual power, you come across some serious entitlement issues.  Understandable, really; being told so often and for so long how clever you are, can reek some serious interpersonal-skill damage.  It can skew one's sense of self, falling a bit too far left on the self-importance side of the continuum when in fact it would be beneficial on so many levels if these individuals could scoot right on the longitudinal. Often these cerebrals (also a non-word for brainiacs) are so heavily up in their heads, creating and working in constant thought, that they have a bit of trouble shutting their mind-talk up. You know, to just get quiet and observe what's going on around them, to 'appreciate the moment' as they say, and to consider the people who are there, as people in their own right (we call this empathy, which can be challenging to feel for far left-skewers).

Though observing and appreciating others may come more easily for those like me who are far right-side skewers (it is likely these terms have been created solely for the purposes of this article), the bottom line is, regardless of where you fall in the brainiac-interpersonal schism (maybe also a manufactured term; I'm claiming creative license), it is important for the health of ourselves and our relationships, to consciously appreciate the friendship and support you've graciously been given and to also actively nurture it in order to sustain it. Doing so is an incredibly powerful contributor to living and leading successfully.

A Few Public Acknowledgments to Serve as Example

Let me be clear, there are many who have made my experience living and working abroad a reality. For example, my entire line management (Laurie, my direct supervisor; Sue, head of HR; and Carolyn, Director of Business Innovation) and their combined support, have given me incredible validation. And their willingness to trust me to "go free" and work abroad, has made unbreakable my committed to them and the organization. Today however, I'm writing about two leaders specifically who are responsible for the entire Leading from Afar series as well as this article, being written. They also happen to be absolute role-models for the two attributes we are discussing here today, nurturing relationships like there's no tomorrow, and being grateful for the support they have received along the way.

Now in case this winds up reading like a wanna-be Grammy award speech (this is kind of an inside joke intended for one of my colleagues, Cam), or that you surmise I have a grandiose sense of my self and the audience who follows me (on average, there's about 70 of you reading this), I want to be clear I recognize the relative value my writing brings to the world...like a nanoscule (e.g., a very very small amount). But that's not what's important here. What's incredible, is that these two awesome human beings, practicing leaders themselves, have consciously motivated, inspired, and conveyed belief in my words.  They are the reason I believe I can, and do, write. What a gift is that?  It's not about what my writing may yield in the way of tangible reward, it's about the authentic level of support each has given me and the foundation they have built for me so I feel secure enough to take a risk. That's huge. That's what outstanding people leaders do.

And Finally, Introductions

So now let me introduce you to these fine leaders. First I'm going to tell you about Bill Mairson, Deputy Principle Associate Director at Los Alamos National Laboratory.  Bill embodies gratitude and humility.  He is unconditionally supportive and has an uncanny ability to get others back on track with wise counsel and no insult when they may be straying off mark. He reinforces forward movement and continued progress, simply. For example, when I shared my very first post with him from this series, an outline of leadership in twelve parts, Bill offered his congratulations followed by a very succinct, one sentence response: he wrote, "Maybe the groundwork for a book?"

Bill is also responsible for connecting me to Geoffrey Beausoleil, or Geoff (pronounced Jeff), the second amazing leader I am introducing to you today. Bill and Geoff are long-time friends and colleagues, both similarly filled with energy, enthusiasm, and passion. And both are similarly committed to leadership in general, and to the Institutions they serve. Geoff is an influential and respected manager within the Department of Energy (DOE) who reliably sends out Leadership Shares, short writings on leadership by respected experts and laymen alike. He distributes these shares weekly - sometimes more, sometimes less - and he has over a thousand managers and leaders throughout the DOE complex reading them. In turn, Geoff's direct followers then distribute the shares with others from within their specific Institutions, and so on, furthering the impact of leadership like a pebble thrown into smooth water.  Nice, uh?

Anyway, one day, I sent Bill a musing response to an article Geoff had shared that week. Bill, thinking Geoff might be interested in my thoughts, forwarded them onto Geoff. Within minutes of receiving Bill's email, Geoff made contact with me and asked if I would be okay with him sharing my comments with his Leadership Share readers. I was flattered, thrilled, and of course said "yes"! Similarly, when I shared my first LinkedIn article with Geoff, the one introducing this series, Geoff copied and pasted it in entirety in his next Leadership Share. He continues to send out my articles to all.  A crazy level of support, right? Like I never expected to receive, nor feel deserved. It is an unbelievable statement of belief in me that means so much more to me than the actuality of my words being shared.  It's the validation itself that is so awesomely powerful.

The Point, and the End

The support that both Bill and Geoff give to me willingly and graciously, has gained my 100% gratitude for, and commitment to, sustaining these two very important friendships, and doing my best to act in kind. So I guess the moral of the story is, pay it forward; nurture your relationships consciously and with gratitude because boy-oh-boy, can it be powerful. 

And now that this short tale is told, I will put my conscious attention back into the amazing life happening right here in front of me, here at the beautiful Bains des Parque. Au revoir!

Coming Next Week

Keep Yourself Present in Mind When You Can't Be There In Body

Leading from Afar series, Article Titles and Dates

1.  Let Go to Grow, May 28

2.  Shift Your Measure of Success, June 4

3. Reflect on Your Behaviors and the Motivations behind Them, June 11

4.  Thoughtfully Apply Driving, Guiding, and Letting go, June 18

5.  Nurture Your Relationships Consciously, June 25

6.  NEXT: Keep Yourself Present in Mind When You Can't Be There In Body, July 2

7.  Get Super Comfortable Talking on the Phone and Help Others Be, July 9

8.  Track Your Activity Regularly, July 16

9.  Make Yourself Accountable, July 23

10. Make Sure Your Success Impacts Someone at Home, July 30

11. Create a Schedule That Works and Make it Work, August 6

12. Enjoy the Experience, August 13