Nurses eating themselves- When the cannibal lives inside you

Tracy Churchill and Emma Versluis have written a series on nurse cannibals (moving from nurses eating their young to nurses FEEDING their young), and this is the latest instalment in that series. So far, the series has covered: Nurses eating their young- the history of nurse cannibals; Nurses sharing their lunch- how we can lift each other out of the cannibal pot; Nurses hosting dinners- protecting others from the cannibals pot; Nurses feeding their young- how we can help nurture and develop our new nurses; Nurse Cannibals are starving- but what are they starving for? Today we are looking at the self-destructive behaviours we engage in when there are no cannibals in sight – it is only when we are brave enough to look in the mirror, do we see the cannibal within.

Tracy- By far the worst cannibal I have ever met was the one secretly living inside me and cutting me from the inside. Other nurses have seemed to be far more accepting of my flaws than I ever have been. It is only through writing this series that I have realised and recognised some of the insidious thoughts that have influenced my past decisions and choices. My inner cannibal says things like:

 ‘You shouldn’t apply. Someone else will be more qualified’

‘Nurses should be humble. Step back into the line’.

I now consider any dismissive, negative, guilt-inspiring whispered wicked thought that pops up in my mind to be my own inner cannibal trying to do what it does best… hack away at my personal self -esteem. Ready flesh for the stew. It must be so annoying for this inner cannibal that I manage to elude it sometimes- I am the closest thing it has to eat, and yet I am less and less likely to fall into its traps, as I strive each day to become more and more resilient to the negative self dialogue.

Emma- I too have spent the last few months thinking about my own inner dialogue. I am ashamed to say that I would never speak to anyone else the way I speak to myself. This has come as a reality shock to me, but at the same time somehow not shocking at all. Ironically the advice I give to those I mentor on this very topic; is advice I need to remember myself – to treat myself as if I was someone whose life I am responsible for. To care for myself as if I were precious and one of the people I love the most. In all honesty this is much harder to put into practice than to say. I have spent the past 45 years listening to my inner cannibal – it takes practice to put the knives away.

Rick Hanson in his book Resilient: Finding your inner strength – discusses how normal it is to have intrusive negative thoughts – and he suggests a two-step approach to dealing with these:

1.      Acknowledge they are negative and intrusive (meaning they intrude on your other internal dialogue)

2.      Once you acknowledge this, consciously push them aside.

I have found these two steps to be powerful in quieting the inner cannibal – I hope you will try it too.

When the cannibal terrorising you lives within, it is near impossible to get away from. It literally lives with you! Like a gaslighting roommate, it creates drama and feeds off the anxiety, guilt or sadness which can arise from that. As we mentioned in our previous article (and many thanks to @Michelle Lemmon for her insight that) nurse cannibals try to eat their young because they are starving. So when the cannibal lives within- we need to learn what its dietary requirements are and how to feed it back to health. 

Imagine if all of the nurses we worked with, looked closely at their thoughts, actions and behaviours and discerned what was causing these- addressing their own inner cannibal? Maybe even winning over their internal cannibals, so that instead of a monster lurking within we created our own biggest fan? (does this sound like ego to you? That’s ok, it can take some getting used to acting with self -compassion, the thought of being an egomaniac is just your inner cannibal grabbing the utensils). If the Nurse Cannibals turned their attention inwards and learnt how to meet the needs of their inner cannibal, then our culture in nursing could be forever improved. We already have the tools – we show kindness and respect to our patients, now its time to show the same compassion to ourselves and each other.

A theme that has come up consistently in feedback on LinkedIn is the idea that nurses don’t support other nurses. There are many nurses who do champion the way forward by recognising each other, promoting each other and encouraging each other. And there are still those who encourage smallness in each other. What we need to do is taken ownership for ourselves. To not let the attitudes of others dictate how grand our plans are, limit our potential, or influence what we believe we are capable doing. Don’t let others change our path from aspirational to mediocre. There is already enough mediocrity in the world. We need nurse glitter. 

What other people think of us is none of our business. And in the words of Mark Twain:

 ‘You will care less what people think of you, when you realise how seldom they do’.

 In reality most of our time is spent thinking about ourselves, often ruminating for little output. For some, it is thoughts like ‘how can I get ahead?’ and for others it is ‘how can I contribute to make this ____ even better?’ We only have infrequent thoughts of others. And what others perceive as our thoughts may or may not be true. I have often looked at someone and admired a haircut or a walking style but not been near enough to say something. And in many of my relationships after an extended period I might learn something surprising that others have liked about me. Positive feedback is a thing not often dished out. And it is even more challenging to give ourselves a healthy portion.

Here are some tips to feed your inner cannibal:

·      Start a notebook where at the end of the day you find one thing that you are proud of yourself for. It doesn’t have to be big. It could be going to the gym, making a healthy dinner, or having a hard conversation (sometimes with yourself, but with compassion instead of disdain).

·      Notice when the cannibal inside is trying to harm you. Hear the voice and think of an alternative. Push that intrusive thought aside. Acknowledge it is unwelcome and send it on its way.

·      Call a friend and talk it through. We are never as cruel to others as we are to ourselves. They will be able to remind the inner cannibal of the things we forget to remember or don’t notice about ourselves. 

Let’s commit to making ourselves generous portions of self-love. We are equally as deserving of compassion as the other people who we give it too. Don’t forget that to help others you need to be full yourself – that includes love and compassion.