The Nuance of Raising Children Post Pandemic

It's around 9:30am Wednesday. My daughters ABA worker is getting her situated. My other daughter is desperately trying to play with them in spite of having an understanding they are there to help her sister.

Like every other morning, my day starts with cleaning the neverending mess that comes with raising twin four-year-olds.

All of a sudden, the phone rings. It is a local number so in spite of not recognizing it I pick up.

"Is this the parents of Brooklynn and Hayley Spirit-Roth?" they ask. "Yes, this is Dan the father. Who is this?" I reply. "My name is ____ and I am from the school district. We have preschool spots that opened up and I wanted to see if you are still interested?"

All kinds of emotions rush through me. As first time parents, we didn't know what to do, what to expect. Every misstep feels like failure. So when we put in the preschool applications in back in March and never heard anything in spite of reaching out again and again, we thought we had done something wrong.

It felt like a boulder on our backs that we couldn't seem to get off.

After asking a lot of questions and being told we had until Friday to decide, we hung up.

I went upstairs to speak to my wife who was working. I explained that I had good news and bad news.

The bad news was that the school we had hoped to get them into ran from 7:30am-5:30pm M-F and cost nearly $3,000 a month for both girls.

The good news was that there was a school up the street that was 3 days a week, 3 hours a day and if we went in to assist at least 3x a month it would be $360 per child per month.

I immediately knew my wife, Jen felt a sense of relief.

I also knew I had a lot of work to do in a very short amount of time.

The Fears

Until you are faced with the inevitability of change, it is easy to ignore what is to come.

Even though my kids grew up during a pandemic I would still assert that those first few years you feel like you are in a bubble. Your little family unit is bonded and in our case did everything together.

Walks, playdates, trips all of it is centered and intimate because you are in that very special time period. In our case not having very much family locally meant that we were always with the girls.

So when I got that call that the preschool had spots one of my first thoughts was, 'Do I have an identity beyond being their dad?'

Am I going to break down the first time I get up from my desk, walk into the other room and they are not there?

It may seem irrational for some, but I openly admit I am addicted to my kids. I mean everything I have become, all of my success is directly tied to the day they were born.

Once those thoughts were tucked into the back of my mind my next thought was:

What are my kids ready for?

Nobody wants to hold their kids back, but if they need extra time and that extra time has the ability to have them better prepared for what is ahead is that really holding them back? Or is it just putting them in a better position to thrive.

Yes Sarah Storm , another reframe but it is a reframe that I believe is both accurate and necessary.

Not that I ever want to project my experience on my kids, but, my parents put me in kindergarten in spite of signs of social and emotional immaturity. This, along with having ADHD was a large impediment and though it didn't have a direct effect on me getting through high school, I took five years to graduate college.

Had I had more time, I may not have had different results but I definitely would have been more emotionally and socially in line.

The fact that we were very isolated as a result of the pandemic has to be taken into account. For nearly 3 years they got to see each other, my wife and I, their grandparents (on occasion) their nanny and sometimes Cliff Brown III and family.

(multiple pets if that counts)

That is not a lot of people to see on a semi regular basis.

Then the pandemic restrictions are lifted, now we have to get the kids used to being in public again which takes time under normal circumstances. Having a child with Autism it isn't just more people, it is more sounds, new lights new everything...

What Do I Do?

For four years I may not have been the perfect father but I was a damn good one. We had fun, we played around, we learned about different cultures and ready books, talked about respect and got tons of toys.

My girls fell asleep in my lap and on my chest and they come running to me and tell me they love me.

I've come to the realization that no matter what happens from here on out I am going to question every decision we make wondering if it was the right one. We are going to question every action we take, worried about if there was a better way. I am going to worry very time I give my kids advice hoping that I did not lead them in the wrong direction...and it is never going to end.

For someone that hates not being in control, I have to come to grips that I won't have it. I have to trust that they will make the right decisions and if they don't that they will learn from their mistakes.

More than anything...I just don't want my girls to go through the same pain I did.