Now what Paul?!

I get up in the evenin' And I ain't got nothin' to say

I come home in the mornin' I go to bed feelin' the same way

I ain't nothin' but tired Man, I'm just tired and bored with myself

~~ Messages keeps gettin' clearer Radio's on and I'm movin' 'round my place

I check my look in the mirror

Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face

Man, I ain't gettin' nowhere I'm just livin' in a sector like this

There's somethin' happenin' somewhere Baby, I just know that there is

~ Dancing in the Dark, Bruce Springsteen

This is how I've been feeling for the past two years friends, I've spent most of my non-working life in bed just trying to get enough energy to work and live.

I'm sad to say there just isn't enough left in me to do both.

Yes, I have resigned from my 'dream job' at the Canadian Association of Gift Planners ( effective the end of July ) .

"Congratulations! I can't wait to hear what's next for you" - is the most common response now that we have shared with the board and the many committees in the community....

In my last recent update , to which thousands of you replied, responded and may I humbly say gave in my honour...I shared that I'm not well. I'm tired of sharing the exact health issues that are terminal enough to stop me in my tracks but not enough that I can stop working ( parents you know this game )...

But you see, it's my brain too.

"I've been doing this for 19 years, you want to fight me, fight these tears" , Earl Simmons (DMX)

I'm known as "Mr. Planned Giving", 25 years in this work as a person of passionate fire, but that fire can burn you right up if you're not careful, and it has set fire to all I know and believe these past few years.

Walking between the worlds of social justice, charity, community and my work in tax, financial, extreme wealth and estate planning has me feeling like the vampire hunter Blade, a daywalker between two worlds that at times feel at violent odds. I'm sick of the tensions and want to embrace curiosity instead of the certainty so many boards and bosses are seeking in my profession of fundraising for causes that matter and the lives of people in need. It's tearing me apart.

Ick.

I went on a secret vacation, the first time in the better part of a decade by myself ( with my closest and dumbest friends ) but what foolishness do I find? More reminders of my position, privilege and adjacency to wealth that threatens to end my soul as my health threatens to end my life.

I'm still a man of paradoxical faith, this past weekend was Pentecost or Holy Spirit Sunday in my faith community, that day when the Apostles were touched by the fire of the Holy Spirit and while my namesake is the Apostle Paul, in the spirit of "come for your people" I need to be more active holding my own faith community to account, frankly a little more "Saul" energy if you know what I'm saying. I learned a word I haven't heard in a long time, "Paraclete "; a counselor, advocate and helper of the Holy Spirit - what I aspire to be. It also has the same lyrical/syllabic cadence as Bomboclaat, which is what I am :)

In a season of grief, not just losing my mother but peers in my career like Calvin and Rick , I've ran out of safe places to cry. The kids on my block who see me smiling walking and weeping as they go to school call me "the crying man", I'm fine with that now. The tears stung because they cared not about my tax status, breaking out of my face in airports and in hotel rooms that I finally got the noise complaints that I feared from partying and joy. They came in pain and loss. All I own is my own body and I’m just trying to crawl Inside of it to be safe for a while ....but once you cut open the Ton Ton of grief you finally realize why they smell that way, on the outside and in.

So, to recap, there is no new job.

There is no plan.

need to slow to a stop.

It has been so moving, and I feel bad that I couldn't respond to the hundreds of you who donated in my name to the charity I've joined as a board member only for my own joy ( Word on the Street in my home Tkaronto ) . A few of you created monthly gifts ( you told me I mean as much as groceries?! ) and heh heh, a few of you donated from your donor-advised funds too. I know MANY of you will want to reach out in care and Grace to talk after you read this.

Friends, I am exhausted.

Please know I want to respond but am just trying to figure out what my body needs and my soul wants.

I'm blessed too, that I've been saying "No" to think-tanks , charities, companies, governments (municipal) for years. I'm going to say yes to those contracts, creative explosions to EXPLORE generosity.

I've told SO many of you that SOMEONE needs to tour Canada's boards of trade and chambers of commerce and explain to Canadians WHAT charity IS and ISN'T. No one wants to, so I'm gonna do it. Yeah, we're going to talk about bulls!t like this article too.

Even if I have to do Powerpoint under a bridge I'm going to do what I can for generosity in Canada, not fundraising or philanthropy.

I'm going to support reciprocity in reconciliation as the child of refugees who found a great life on this land that is not ours.

I'm going to enjoy GivingTuesday again, I was there at the beginning!

I'm going to have fun.

There will be rock and there will be roll and a lot of f-king swearing.

YES it is a Mohawk! AND I am still a tax-specialist these things can co-exist! Watch me create this new identity, The Generosity Guy....

Also, we have reached the stage of DEI conversations where some of you think it's ok to say wild racist stuff around me in public and my heart just can't take it. I'm tired too of people sending my Tweets and Tik Toks to my boss and board, that was never cool and they shouldn't have to support me (which they have always done) in this way. So I'm leaving these places and spaces too. I need you to know, it's not ok and I'm not ok. There is work to be done here and it's not up to me to do it. I'm deeply grateful to authors like Ritu and Bina who have helped me heal in this regard. I've been on multiple boards and advisory committees since I was 16 and working full time for 30 years without a break, I'm going to rest for a bit.

Lastly, my gratitude to the whole CAGP team. I tell the story often about how over a decade ago I couldn't find a place for myself in the community and the new incoming CEO Ruth MacKenzie, as she so often does as a leader, found a place and the community made space for me. Together she and this team have done some amazing things, that frankly, I'm often annoyed too many people give me the credit for. There will be talk of my burnout, and I will say that perhaps I needed to be in a place of safety and healing that also opened the door to The Circle on Philanthropy through a program called Partners in Reciprocity that has changed our work, and my life, profoundly. I've been deeply involved in the next phase of our plans, and maybe I'm seeing who is showing up at the table - YOU are the leaders of today. Your competence and courage gives me the confidence to step down and step away. For pete's sake I think the world could use at least one man who is trying to shut up, sit down and listen for a while.

So, I'm walking onward. I'm afraid, but I know I'm not alone.

I know the Golden Crabs have my back , I know many of you do too

Into the mist, uncertainty, into hope

I'm going to hug my kids and kiss my cats (who have more followers than me)

I hope you will join me on the journey

Y'know, I am in fact a GenX and used to walk the streets of Toronto in the 1990's yes with a boombox on my shoulder, singing and laughing (there is NO evidence of this on purpose) ... I'm going to try to find that guy again before it's time to leave this space-rock... I'm probably going to do some cringy stuff I haven't had the time or courage to do... like chain my human body to the Ontario Science Centre or Ontario Place , if you see me on the news, look away or join me, your choice....

In the meantime, if you want to talk, I'll be at this pop-up Indigenous-picnic event tomorrow (May 25) in Liberty Village in Toronto , I'll see peers in Winnipeg next week at the Western Canada Fundraising Conference and in Vancouver, Calgary and a few more stops before July... as always...

No need to ask me how I am.

I honestly don't know, and I have run out of words explaining.

"Good to see you Paul" is enough.

Sing with me, walk with me, see you on the road friends...

A poem by George Michael:

I won't let you down I will not give you up

Gotta have some faith in the sound

It's the one good thing that I've got

I won't let you down

So please don't give me up

Because I would really, really love to stick around Oh, yeah

To win the race, a prettier face

Brand new clothes and a big fat place

On your rock and roll TV (Rock and roll TV)

But today the way I play the game is not the same,

no way Think I'm gonna get me some happy

I think there's something you should know (I think it's time I told you so)

here's something deep inside of me (There's someone else I've got to be)

Take back your picture in a frame (Take back your singing in the rain)

I just hope you understand Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now Is take these lies and make them true somehow

All we have to see Is that I don't belong to you and you don't belong to me,

Freedom (I won't let you down)

Freedom (I will not give you up)

Freedom (Gotta have some faith in the sound)

You've got to give what you take (It's the one good thing that I've got)

Freedom (I won't let you down)

Freedom (So please don't give me up)

Freedom ('Cause I would really)

You've got to give what you take (really love to stick around)