Now what?

This is my favorite time of the year. It is also my darkest.

I struggle with depression. I don't hide this. I have written about it here before, I publicly speak on this, and in general I am open to this conversation. It is simple, if I share, maybe others on the edge will do the same. Maybe this one post will help one person reach out.

I am 42. Up until 11 years ago; I was medicated from ages 2-31 for ADHD (name the drug), and I was on antidepressants for 2 years. I was also 315+lbs at 6ft tall, out of shape. I was also losing my mind. I reached out to someone, who directed me to a now retired psychologist. I show up, asking for a change, but what I really wanted was different meds. The crash was harsh, the emotions were up and down, concentration was lacking, and the dark thoughts seeped in from everywhere. I didn't know what I didn't know.

This man, 70 years old at the time, who had never met me before, paused my direction for med adjustment; wanted to create a baseline, so he insisted on testing me. The results were not good. I have always known I was different, and while I am friendly, never perfectly fit in. What I didn't know what how high on the ADHD spectrum I was. Pretty damn high.

The results were in. This man, who I just met, never minced words with me. " Caleb, I would like to work with you, treat you, and write a medical journal on you in the process. People that score this high typically are incarcerated, or have committed suicide". Punch to the gut #1.

"Caleb, I would like to pursue a treatment method that does not start with us using medicine". Full stop. I am not saying medicine is bad. Rather, I actually encourage the proper use of it. This was the first time someone was suggesting a treatment plan that did not include it. I was extremely skeptical.

Ok. Deep breath. This man, never to mince words with me: "Caleb, you are fat. You want me to address your mental problems, but we must also address the physiological side as well. Your weight tells me you likely are not consuming the right things to promote your health, it also indicates that you are likely not generating enough natural endorphins, the same things that those medications you have been taking are creating for you. " Punch to the gut #2. No one had ever told me that. Could he had been more diplomatic, sure. Was he? Nope.

Ok, so what is the treatment plan? This man, who I had only now know for two weeks was about to change the course of the next 11 years of my life. "Caleb, I have two distinct treatments for you to follow, one will be very solidly based in research and science, the second is my own theory. 1, To address the ADHD specifically, but also the depression you need to take a minimum of an hour, and expel massive amounts of energy. Running, neighborhood bootcamp, swimming, biking, whatever. Every day. Leave everything on the table. That will give you a natural endorphin rush. It will not last all day, you may need to walk, run, or bike in the afternoon. 2, Specific to depression, my recommendation is to go early. Beat the sunrise, beat the darkness.".

I was just ready to take a pill at this point, but I had almost 30 years at that point of doing that. I was ready for anything else. So I joined a local outdoor bootcamp like program. Shoutout to @xteamfitness.com. Every day, 6am, we got muddy, we ran miles, we swam laps in the James River, we beat the darkness. After years of doing those types of workouts with Xteam and others, I finally moved to the cult(ure) of CrossFit at age 35. I learned to love the barbell, something I had never really used before. I learned I loved deadlifts. I mean, really loved deadlifts. Did that for years. Still running on the afternoons, and weekends. Still beating the darkness. Challenged myself to running in mud races, marathons, 130 mile Ragnar races. I learned that as long as I self medicated with the right types of dopamine hits, I was mostly ok. I found that I could either push through or talk through the rest.

Everything was going well until 2019. Orthopedic surgeon says, " Caleb, you need to stop running and all impact activities. Your arthritis is getting bad and most of the cartilage is missing from your left knee. You will be a 40 year old with a knee replacement if you do not slow down. " I did not want to slow down, I wanted to do more! I wanted to run a 50 miler, I wanted to do harder races, I wanted to just be able to wake up at 5am on a -2 degree day and challenge myself to face the pain, the misery, and the glory. Huge mentality change, but now, I was being betrayed. Betrayed by my knee, betrayed by my body.

Fine. I will stop running. At least I still have CrossFit. 5am class, beating the darkness, getting that dopamine hit. Then Covid hits. Gym closes. Everything closes. I need community to challenge myself. Things start opening back up, but our situation prevents me from returning. I am in a slump. I start doing what everyone else is doing. I scramble to find gear for home workouts. Three months before I was laughing at anyone with a home gym. Now I understand. Realizing I am going to be effectively quarantined for some time, I decide to go all out and build an epic home gym.

Gear arrives over the months. It is epic. I join my gym back up but do the workouts remotely. Ok. New normal and all. I am making this work. It is not like it was a year ago, but I am getting by somewhat. I am settling in to new patterns until the next smack in the face. December 2020 I am talking to my one of my closest friend, Dennis Little . I had been advising him on how to structure one of his deals, and he had face-timed me to tell me that he was able to close this goliath of a deal. The largest of his life. Then he passed away from an aneurysm 4 hours later, at 40 years old. I was devastated, to say the least.

So, I dropped to the lowest point of my life. I had put in so much hard work over the years. To condition my mind, and my body, but also to change the way I approached life. It was never about fitness or strength, but that is where I ended up. Then I lost Dennis, and I threw every habit away. I had enough of the last 12 months. My insomnia returned, I could barely function at work, I wanted to drink away the pain and thoughts. I was in my gym when I got the call, so I wanted no part of that for a while.

There was no savior. I mean, other than my very loving, very patient wife. I had to remember and re-implement what I had learned 9 years prior. I had to push through. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to get back up. I had to put my gloves back on, and I had to fight. The alternative means leaving my wife and two young boys with a disabled father, or worse.

So, now what?

Every year, December is hard. I already struggle hardest when the best things are happening to me. I cannot celebrate successful deals or moments in my life without having the haunting feelings of solitude, even though I am often surrounded by family and friends that love me, co-workers with mutual respect, and many others in my life. I am not here to preach that it gets better. I am here to preach that you can make the experience better, but it comes at a cost. You must work for it. You must want it. You must find a community. It comes with sacrifice and placing boundaries.

December is my favorite time. It was my favorite time as a child, and it is now my favorite time because I get to see this season through my 5 and 10 year old's eyes. I choose to be healthy for them. I choose to reach out, and to do all the hard things for them. I also choose to do these things for myself.

Please reach out. Easiest words to tell someone with depression, especially if you don't know what it feels like to be stuck at the bottom of the ocean, without realizing you are there. Still, reach out. Find the right people to talk to. Find the right people to surround yourself with. Find the right activities that promote health in your brain and body. Spend less time caring about what a stranger says on line, and more about what the person beside you is thinking.

This season, and every other season. Please choose to not live inside your head. I am telling you, there is a better life. Maybe it is medication, that is ok! However, do not settle just just ok. Strive for excellence!