NOW is it Personal? (No, but it damn well really feels like it!)

This month I was again swept was up in the time space continuum by that same new manager I wrote about last month, the one who was experiencing insidious (and typical) personal attacks. These attacks were delivered electronically.... Alas, as happens, one of those attackers showed up at a Board meeting and proceeded to berate the manager publicly. As she recounted it to me -- there I was sitting at a Board meeting 20 years ago, in a small room where a husband and wife team of attackers stood within 5 feet of me and told the Board and the membership that I was incompetent, rude and didn’t help them at all. I remember it so clearly: Their angry faces and the absolute vitriol being spewed at me. My reaction was typical: Heart racing, blood pounding and that shaky feeling. Also – sheer indignation and anger at the fact that the attackers were outright lying.

It’s not unusual; in fact it’s pretty standard. And it’s nothing more than a tactic so the owner can get what they want. Let’s lay it out.

The public personal attack

You’re at a Board meeting and here comes your nemesis: The resident who wrote you a long train-of-thought email of opinions and commentary masked as “deep concern”... with one true “complaint” item buried in the 1200-word diatribe. She goes on to reiterate to the Board all of her deep concerns and to paint a picture of being repeatedly neglected by “the manager.” Finally, the kicker: “And YOU didn’t answer a single complaint!” How to process this attack while your hands are shaky, you’re sweating and you’re also outraged that someone would lie so blatantly about you – you? Who works so hard and puts up with so much!! Let’s talk.

Action Pro Tips – During the manager-skewering performance...

First: Take a deep, calming breath and realize this is just another tactic, because you didn’t respond the way the resident thought you would in the electronic personal attack.

Next: Don’t be shocked by their lying. To them, the lie is inconsequential in achieving the goal of getting what they want. This is something you must accept and get over very quickly.

Next: Keep your cool by taking notes, and occasionally look up at the attacker as if she weren’t talking about you. This does a few things; 1) Gives you something to focus on and 2) helps you maintain some professional distance and 3) gives you a professional appearance to observers as well as to yourself.

Action Pro Tips - Post manager-skewering performance

Back to our new manager, here’s what happened next: As the complainant finished her triumphant act of showing everyone who the boss is... The new manager did exactly the right thing: She answered calmly and professionally, made eye contact and stated:

“I did answer you on the complaint regarding your neighbor’s dog and sent you an email on it, which I have a copy of right here. However, the rest of your communication was your opinion on a variety of issues, which I can’t do anything about, so I sent them on to the Board who has them in their packets for review.”

The Board President then confirmed they were in the loop. And just like the airship, Resident Hindenburg goes down in flames by the manager doing her job; keeping calm and letting facts speak for themselves.

What the new manager did right

Preparation. When the new manager received the original communication from Resident Hindenburg, she knew trouble was brewing based on her few months’ previous experience with that resident. She correctly handled the only issue that was her responsibility (the neighbor’s dog), followed up via email, brought a copy of it with her to the meeting and correctly brought the matter to the Board for review at their next meeting. The manager did her job.

Let the resident speak uninterrupted. She didn’t jump in the middle of the “performance;” the new manager let Resident Hindenburg finish her statements. With little exception and especially in open meetings, always let these folks finish their piece. Interrupting won’t help, they won’t listen and it will make them angrier and make you look defensive. Besides, if you’re prepared (see above) as our new manager, you have nothing to fear, because “Never interfere with the enemy when he is making a mistake."1

Kept cool and answered professionally. The new manager stayed outwardly cool (she did confide: “Although you know I was a little shaky!”) while directly addressing the issue. She stated she had done the work she could (and had brought proof) and sent the rest to the Board.

Didn’t gloat (well, maybe on the inside). Cool professionals don’t outwardly gloat when they win. They go on about their business and the business of the community because; 1) there’s too much else to be done and 2) they know they’ll have to deal with the Hindenburg again (and again). This new manager did just that. Let it go. The new manager isn’t letting Resident Hindenburg live rent-free in her head now that this episode is over as she knows that nothing would make that resident happier than knowing she was obsessing about her. By letting go and moving on, the manager has control of her time, emotions and work day. She recognized it’s only personal if she allows it to be. And besides, she has 5 other communities to worry about.

The wrap

Industry veterans have all been there and our thick skin keeps us cool, but for the newer folks, personal attacks delivered in-person in front of the Board and the membership can be a defining moment in their blossoming career: Will they stay in the business and be subjected to this lunacy or go in to the family business of sewer pumping, which may not stink quite so much? Well, it’s all in how the attacks are processed emotionally. Just like those delivered electronically, the in-person and public attack is a tactic – one designed to get the manager to do what the attacker wants now, as well as in the future. These attacks, as vicious as they can be, are calculated so the owner can fulfill their agenda of <whatever>. Just kicked up a notch.:-/.

So for all you new and not-so-new managers out there, this is the game. Back and forth, parry and thrust. If one tactic doesn’t work, they’ll try another. When they come to a meeting, they're counting on your (and the Board’s) shock and surprise so they can get what they want. Be prepared, be cool, stay calm and professional and then let it go. If you can do this, you are in for a long career in community management.

Footnotes: 1 https://quoteinvestigator.com/2010/07/06/never-interfere/ A quote attributable to many in various

c. 2018 Julie Adamen, Adamen Inc. all rights reserved

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