Now, Looking Back

As we wrap up the year and begin anew, there’s a flood of emotions coursing through my veins. I reminisce about multiple years gone by and look forward to what great new adventures, lessons learned, and life gains are ahead for the upcoming trip around the sun. Do you feel it as well during this time of year? Or are you grateful this year is coming to a close as it was filled with unwanted gifts wrapped in the most coarse sandpaper??

We’ve all had years that were more challenging than others. We’ve also had years we’ve wanted to hold onto and celebrate regularly. The unknown and the uncertainty of the upcoming 365 days is what keeps me excited. Of course, there’s full respect for those of you out there who would rather know what to expect around every corner. There’s a certain sense of safety in that security.?

But for this Hungarian, I appreciate the element of surprise life has to offer. Were there times those elements of surprise were unwanted? Of course. Like, when Apa passed away unexpectedly in 2017. Or when I finally had a heart-to-heart with myself and knew I had to leave another marriage (which was going to lead me down the road of being a single parent again). Or, when Mama missed my 12th birthday to travel to Hungary to bury her own father. Life is far from easy. It’s how we handle those unexpected boulders falling down on us that makes us victims or victors.?

From an early age, I’ve looked at things from a fairly positive viewpoint. It came naturally to me to see the silver lining in situations. However, as life kept throwing those boulders my way, those silver linings were a bit more challenging to find. Sometimes it took me quite some time after situations to realize what the lessons were. But here’s the deal, I never gave up.?

I continually look for the positive in even the toughest of situations. Being the victor in your life means exercising the muscle of optimism daily. Yes, you should absolutely most certainly feel the feelings and allow them to come out in a healthy way (screaming is healthy; self-harm is not). Staying in the negative feelings, for days on end, is missing the point of exercising daily optimism.?

As you read this, you might think, “Easy for you to say to practice optimism daily, you’ve probably never suffered from depression, or anxiety, or PTSD!” Let me assure you, I have. All three of those and more. However, I haven’t allowed it to consume me. I’ve had plenty of mornings where I’ve had to literally force myself out of bed - bringing my bag of tears, sense of hopelessness, and wanting it all to end with me to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “Today would be a good day to just not - not breathe, not take another step, not go on.” I’ve reached for the bottle of alcohol to make it all stop (either temporarily or permanently - at those points I didn’t care, honestly).?

So, what kept me going? What kept me moving forward and finding strength to pour the contents of the bottle down the kitchen sink? What stopped me from stopping life? The simple answer? Finding that mustard seed of optimism. Sometimes, it came in the form of a bouncy two-year-old, a call from a friend with whom I haven’t spoken in quite some time, or even the hope of today being better than yesterday.?

Optimism is the smallest of things can bring the biggest rewards. As this year comes to a close, I challenge you to exercise daily. Exercise your optimism muscle. Exercise your ability to see the beauty in all situations. Exercise showing yourself grace when things crumble around you and you just want the world to stop. Take the time to feel the crumbles around you. Then, look around, and find the hope and beauty that lies beneath.?

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