Nourishing the Soul: Making Nutritional Amends to Self

In the journey of self-care and personal growth, one area often overlooked is our relationship with food. Just as we seek to mend emotional wounds and repair relationships, we can also make amends to ourselves by nurturing our bodies with wholesome nutrition. Making nutritional amends is about acknowledging past neglect or harmful habits regarding our diet and taking the initiative to improve it. It's an act of self-love and self-respect, recognizing that our bodies deserve to be nourished with wholesome, nutritious foods.

One of my first addictions was food. I can remember feeling like I finally had control of something in my life. I would sneak downstairs at night and into the kitchen, turning on the faucet so that my grandfather would think I was getting a drink, grab whatever it was I hid, turn the water off, and head back upstairs. Most nights it worked, some nights it did not work. Then I got smart, and while everyone was in the living room watching television, I would be in the kitchen at the table doing homework, and at that time I would sneak something upstairs and then come back down to complete my work. I had no clue about the repercussions I was going to be dealing with because of the unhealthy eating habits I was developing. All I knew was eating made me feel ok in a world where nothing else did.

I was ten years old and the oldest of five and we lost our mother just months after I turned nine. She was killed on March 16, 1971, but January 1971 was the last time I saw her alive. I was angry as I looked out the back window of a police car being taken away from her again, and this time I told her I hated her and wished she were dead! I was nowhere around when it happened, but I blamed myself for her death for many years. I was also still angry with her because I felt that she did not love any of us or she would not let them take us again.

Moving in with my grandparents after my mom’s death was nothing like I thought it would be. I wanted out but felt guilty because my siblings needed me to protect them as much as I could. I do not have many memories from infancy to about eight or nine. The ones I do are not pleasant, and most of the ones I have from nine to seventeen are just as horrible and filled with abuse, betrayal, and abandonment of all kinds.

So why am I sharing this with you? I want you to know that you are not alone. My eating was the one thing I thought I had control over. It was my way of “stuffing” all my emotions when I could not escape far enough in the books anymore. My addiction evolved from books to food.

However, food finally took control of me in ways I never imagined. I became a thief in the night. I became a compulsive liar. I gained more weight and became obese. I was bullied and laughed at and not just at school. There was a lot of bullying going on at home as well. My response was to eat more until my stomach hurt, and I would take one more bite after that. And so, the life of unhealthy addiction took control with food, alcohol, nicotine, drugs, sex, and more for over thirty years.

Let me fast-forward my story. I came back into recovery by the amazing grace of God (my Higher Power) on July 2, 2009. I was doing great, I thought. I had a wonderful sponsor who took me through the steps. I became a sponsor, taking others through the steps. I landed an extremely rewarding career as a Certified Recovery Peer Advocate after graduating from the Community College of Vermont with an associate degree in arts. I went to college to become a better writer. While in college, I took courses in substance use disorder and psychology.

However, I never really did anything about the eating disorder I had acquired due to the unhealthy eating habits that began in childhood. I was eight years in recovery from the other stuff but not eating, and my health was bad. My liver was getting worse. The doctors and I were afraid of it failing to get better like it should have been doing. They wanted to put me back on medication for issues the eating disorders, along with the other addictions, had caused. I begged them to give me a year. During that year, I started doing better with eating. This was at the same time when I graduated from college and began my new career.

Unresolved issues of my mother’s death began to plague me again as the sponsor I had for seven years died, and then my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law both died within three weeks of each other. Another layer of the onion had started to peel away.

I returned to unhealthy eating habits that spiraled out of control again. I was getting scared because I could feel the inflammation in my liver and throughout my body getting worse. I was exhausted and had no energy, and I did not want to die. I hit my knees and said a prayer asking God for a solution because I knew He was my only answer.

A few days after saying this prayer, I ran into a friend, and during our talk, she asked me if I was having health issues. I knew then that God had heard and was answering my prayer. Because of that answered prayer I have been learning, over time, that I have had an unhealthy relationship with food. I never knew that I had any relationship with food, or that my behaviors with eating were considered a relationship.

What does it mean to have a relationship with food? It simply means “how we relate to food.” My relationship with food was emotional and an “I will show you” type of relationship. I ate to stuff feelings, to get even, to get fatter (he will stop), and to have something I had complete control over. Eventually, these behaviors were not working the way I wanted them to. I did get fatter, but that did not stop the sexual abuse. It just made me obese with health problems that intensified as my addictions took on other forms.

I am learning more about my relationship with food and with myself through my recovery journey. I have begun to change and heal the relationship with food, which is, in turn, healing my body from the damage I did to it.

So, back to my friend asking if I was having health issues and helping me find a solution. The amazing nutrition I began putting in my body started allowing my body to do its natural job and heal itself. I was amazed, and so was my doctor. However, getting healthier physically was not all this nutritional change did for me.

I began a journey of trying to learn more about nutrition, addiction, and recovery. I wanted to understand just how food affected my mind and body to the point where I ate and could not stop even after my stomach hurt. Being in recovery from other addictions has helped me to understand better the phenomenon of the craving for more and the life-damaging effects. It also helped me to understand the powerlessness I had over my eating. I have never stopped using the amazing gift of nutrition because it works for me.

But again, it became more than just about the nutrition itself. I knew that I needed to make amends to my body. But how do I make nutritional amends to my body was the question? This was simple but just like anything worthwhile, it was not easy. It began by learning to eat a balanced diet that supports healthy weight maintenance, reduces the risk of chronic diseases, helps reduce inflammation, and boosts energy levels while improving the overall quality of life. I include nutrient-dense foods and supplements that support brain health and enhance cognitive function, mood stability, and stress resilience in my eating plan. I cultivated self-love by prioritizing nutritious foods as an act of self-care and self-respect while fostering a positive relationship with myself and my body.

After reflecting on and taking stock of my eating habits, I began to identify areas for improvement. As in all my amendments, I had to acknowledge any harmful patterns or food choices that were impacting my health. I began to learn about the nutritional value of different foods and how they impacted my health and my life. With the knowledge to make informed dietary choices, I began to establish realistic and achievable nutritional goals. I started small, such as adding an extra serving of vegetables to my meals and replacing sugary snacks with healthier ones.

It has not been an easy task, but I am doing it one day at a time and sometimes one meal at a time. I take time to plan and prepare nutritious meals and snacks for myself. I make sure my kitchen is full of wholesome ingredients and I cook and eat at home most of the time. I pay attention to hunger and fullness cues, and I am learning to savor each bite. I try to avoid distractions while eating and cultivate a deeper connection with my food. I find it more rewarding when I remember to pray for my God’s (Higher Power) guidance in the selection and amount of food and thank Him for it.

Because I am in recovery from alcohol and drugs, I belong to a community of like-minded people, and I know the importance of being with a community of individuals who understand me. So, I also joined another recovery program with other individuals who are like me with eating addictions. I have guidance from a registered dietitian or nutritionist to help me on my journey toward improved nutrition. Making nutritional amends is a journey like the rest of my recovery journey is about progress, not perfection. Learning to be gentle with myself and celebrate each step forward, no matter how small, has allowed me to stay on this path of learning to love myself and continuously seek healing.

By nurturing my body with wholesome nutrition, I honor myself and embark on a path toward greater health and vitality. I am beyond grateful for the twelve steps of recovery. They are universal, which means that no matter what is going on I can implement these steps and work them through everything I need to go through.

Today I embrace the reward of recovering from alcohol, drugs, nicotine, rage, and now even the eating disorder or food addiction. I am blessed and grateful when I can help others embrace recovery as well. Remember, we are all addicted as defined by John Bradshaw ?“A pathological or diseased dependence upon any mind or mood altering experience which has life damaging consequence” ?I ?have faced many of the addictions, and I am also in recovery from many of them.

As I continue my journey of recovery, I pray that I will remember to embrace the amazing healing power of my program which includes the Twelve Steps of Recovery. The profound impact it has had on my self-care and well-being has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams! These steps can be used by anyone.

If you have any questions or want to take this conversation further, you can contact me through any of my contact information below. Meanwhile thank you for taking the time to read this article and I pray it will help you build a healthy relationship with food and yourself.

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[email protected] https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/susan-tyrrell-holisticrecovery/ https://www.alignable.com/shushan-ny/holistic-recovery-solutions https://www.instagram.com/purplelotus2016/?hl=en https://www.facebook.com/susan.sedgwicktyrrell

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Wishing you a happy and serene day!

With Gratitude

Susan Tyrrell

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