Noughty under 40

Birthday Special

I turned closer to 40 a few days back. This week’s post is triggered from that realisation. ?? Would like write to about my journey and what I “feel” about it. It is a two-in-one: starting with a mini autobiography and then what can be termed as a “poem” (for the lack of a better word ??).

The School Years (80s to 90s)

Bulk of my schooling years were in Chennai while my parents were brought up in rural Andhra and moved to Chennai for work. I was the first generation to be brought up in a city.

I might get slotted as one of the older “millennials” or Gen X or some similar category. Whatever be the way we look at it, the generation saw a lot of change happen through the school years.

Probably we are the youngest generation who can still remember some bit of pre-liberalisation, pre-computer era. Even that small glimpse helps me relate to previous generations who were tuned to save more, be conservative in approach, to be careful with spends, to be careful before replacing anything that is working, to value real relationships over social media frenzy. And at the same time, like the newer generations, can relate to being tech savy, spend more for quality & convenience, maintain relationships through social media and be more risk taking.

When I was quite young, I used to think I was the solution to world’s problems. Fed on loads of mythological movies, I used to think there was always a God’s blessing (or a silver bullet) around the corner to transform everything around us. A switch of a button and the right people - everything is hunky dory. Quite a bit like how the world turns better in the graphics at the end of a Shankar movie!

The Quixotic feel was there right through my early years and it helped me with a sense of purpose that I could channelise into doing well in academics.

As the Indian education system seems to value theoretical concepts and abstract thinking - there was a natural nudge to do well in Maths and Sciences.

It all culminated in doing well in JEE. IIT-JEE (Joint Entrance Exam) would probably classify as one of the toughest exam competitions ever . But more than the result, always felt the process helped re-orient one’s thinking. Very less rote and very in-depth in conceptual understanding. There are many classmates I know who had worked hard and still couldn’t get through - but armed with what the process taught them, they have worked even harder, done much better in their careers.

Also, the way the JEE teachers taught and the way Physics was simply and elegantly explained by books like Resnick, Halliday & Walker (Link here ) was something to always take inspiration from - even though I remember nothing of the contents right now. Keeping it simple is a tough task.

College (2000s)

First year of college was that “landing with a thud”. May it is the “Dunning-Kruger Effect” - you feel you know everything when you learn whatever you could know at that point in time - only to realise later than there is so much to it that we were not aware of.

Dunning Kruger Effect (Link )

For JEE, it was good enough to understand theoretical concepts. But to be good in engineering (especially a physically intense branch like Mechanical Engineering) - realised that real life understanding and lots of practical knowledge. And I felt I didnt have the aptitude for that. So, most of the engineering years went in realising that this is not for me!

But I still feel that JEE was the peak of my / most of our intellectual ability and it has been decaying over the past 20 years.

Some have worked harder, channelised better and have been lucky to grow further from that foundation.

My aspiration before engineering was to make a difference to the world with some major scientific discovery, during engineering - it went to the question that can I even do something & if there is any opportunity in India for it.

After engineering, it became a choice - do you want to go abroad or stay back in India. And as I chose to stay back, I had to aspire for an MBA. That seemed the quick way to earn more for those in India ??

Work (2008 onwards)

Though I might have done reasonably well in academics till school, I have had several bouts of under-confidence, especially in terms of interacting with people, that ensured I never succeeded in any GD (Group Discussion) and most of my interviews.

That meant that my academic backing wouldn’t take me ahead of the rest but help be at least stay on par. ??

And only when I started working, did I realise the importance of interacting with people more than solving equations. And realisation doesn’t mean I can quickly work on it.

Changing a personality isn’t instantaneous. It needs to happen with being subtly conscious and having an undercurrent of subconscious learning. For example, for speaking in a Group, needed to be conscious enough to realise I am not speaking while sub-consciously building the requisite knowhow to simply blend into the discussion. Over time, I feel I have become far more comfortable - though nowhere near the best.

Right through school and work, there is always that lingering question…

Have I been successful? Have I “achieved” to the best of my potential?

Also, as we age, the gap between peers expands like galaxies in the expanding universe. It only increases with time. Some might end up as CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, some others might be happy with constant earnings and a stable routine job. Few others might struggle further in not being able to get their “right” kind of role.

I have now worked for almost 15 years, and I can safely say that I am nowhere near what I had aspired from when I started. I thought I might be launching the next best product needed to mankind and create a niche of my own ??

Almost all my career changes have happened not by my choice but at the same time, each of them was great and has acted as a stepping stone to the next. No learning goes waste. Sometimes, it is good to be clear on what we want to become. Many other times, it is good to make the best out of what is given to you!

And I also learnt things which I never imagined I would learn.

I seem to value people a lot more than I started off with.

The pride of solving a complex problem alone has transitioned to a pride of helping someone around solve their problems.

The realisation that things can’t happen in a day. And that for every peak, there is a trough and for every trough, there is a peak nearby.

Its ok not to aspire for everything under the world and achieve all of it. Each of the roles are equally important or equally useless.

One need not transform the world, just bringing a smile / happiness to people around us is itself a great start. Something to be thankful about too!

“Neti Neti ” is a philosophy which has acted as a inspiration to build balance in my mind. From the world of Physics, Wave Particle Duality has a similar appeal

Neti Neti translates to “neither this, nor that”.

For example, answer to the question “Am I successful?” is No, “Am I unsuccessful?” is also No

It sounds like a contradiction, but it also brings balance. Maturity, have come to realise, is the ability to absorb such contradictions.

And for people early in their careers, don’t worry if you are not able to see a clear career path or a deep meaning in everything - let it evolve!

Concluding today’s post with a “poem”.

Neti, Neti

I am luckier than many, I am unluckier than many

I am same as God, I am same as nothing

I am happier than many, I am more depressed than many

I am more successful than many, I am less successful than many

I am better than many, I am worse off than many

I am elated, I am dejected

I am staring at the Sky, I am staring at the Abyss

I am very arrogant, I am very humble

I like everyone, I like no one

I want to be with people, I want to be alone

I am angry, I am smiling

I am selfish, I am selfless

I like money, I don’t like money

I am mediocre, I am exceptional

I am contented, I am dissatisfied

I am competitive, I am collaborative

I am a risk-taker, I am risk-averse

What I do is very relevant, what I do is pointless

Everyone is smart, everyone is dumb

God is everywhere, God is nowhere

All of these are true, all of these are false

Everything is a contradiction, everything is a part of the whole

Neti, Neti.

And if you feel any of the above statements are wrong, you are also right. ??

Thank you! See you next week!