Notions of Desire

The common wisdom, and some of the science says that men are driven by a desire for sex more than anything else. Let's say that is true. Read that linked article for a summary of the nuance and complication from such an "obvious" finding or this one. Male sex drive or desires are not the point of this essay, but as a social scientist, I question initial definitions of sex drive--which appear to be skewed toward male norms of sex, the unexplored (it seems) variable consequences, prohibitions, and quality of sexual experience between the genders that likely underlie these results. Context matters and the question, 'Why is that?' is missing from the analyses, but again, that's not the point of this piece.

If men want sex over everything, women should want themselves above all else. "I want me!" has been a consistent demand I have asked myself across my adult life as a woman. It has driven my greatest accomplishments and ambitions, allowed me to discover my deepest passions, and created space and language for self-discovery and pursuit of self-actualization. It has also stemmed from the abandonment of self I have created as I pursued love and money over the years.

There are many reasons why the desire for self-possession, having oneself is the highest and most important desire of a woman (or girl). First, women and girls lose themselves in relationships and desire for relationships very frequently and to their detriment. My only "viral" TikTok was a car confession where I shared that intimate relationships are hard for me because I "lose" myself in them and that makes me not want to be in them because "I want me! I want to be with me!"--100+ views, thousands of comments along the lines of "Me too, girl." and "If you figure it out let me know!" confirmed that this is an issue for all types of women and is something not to overlook as we ask that important question, "Why is that?"

Second, girls and women can make better decisions for themselves and their lives when they have a desire for self above all else. If they can capture and access their self-possession as they move through the world, they can assess opportunities, threats, and situations in ways that keep them safe and maximize their well-being. This, unfortunately, is rarer than we would like.

Girls and women are victims of interpersonal violence (from physical to financial) too frequently. Why is that? Beyond the social and cultural norms that place women in positions of subservience, and that see us as objects to be possessed and used, the primary reason behind that has to do with poor choice-making on the part of the woman or girl, who can make a choice for herself but fails to do so. This is not a statement of blame; this is a statement of lack of self-possession. Women and girls who lack strong self-possession are willing to compromise when compromise isn't warranted. We will overlook problematic situations (red flags) and place ourselves in harm's way in pursuit of a real or fabricated desired outcome (often intimacy or safety related like a desire for a partner, to feel loved, or to get access to resources).

A strong notion of oneself, what is desired for our own lives, how we want to live, how we expect to be treated, etc. can drive better decisions, eliminate big regrets, preserve our safety and well-being, and likely provide a foundation for better relationships and personal outcomes.

So, a woman or girl is best served by a strong desire for herself. This desire for self is prophylactic to many of the pitfalls of life that color the experiences of so many of us, that make us afraid, cause us to withdraw, or create a need to "fight" for ourselves again and again.