Nothing Has Meaning Until We Give It Meaning

As I sit back and reflect on my day, I catch myself remembering moments where I struggled with what someone said, or I got frustrated with a situation that did not go my way. How tempting would it be to point the finger away from myself? However, as I point, I notice the three fingers pointing back at me. As if to say, “Hey there! Before you look outside of yourself, look within.”

I remember one voice lesson I was at. I was expressing the details of a situation and viewing it as “a problem”. The voice coach looked at me square in the eye and said, “Your problem is not your problem.” I was perplexed. What do you mean ‘My problem is not my problem’? If it were not a problem, I would not be sharing it! This statement had me searching for answers. The answer did not come easily; in fact, it came in lessons at different times in my life. As an avid reader, I read with the purpose of turning my questions into my quest. The solutions surfaced in the pages of the books I was reading.

I would play a situation from my day over and over in my head with all the “What ifs”. What if I would have said this? What if I would have done that? Would it have made a difference? How could he/she be like that? I would internalize comments people made and make them my truth. Oh, the internal turmoil I would have. It was mentally exhausting feeling hurt, not listened to, and not appreciated. The struggle was real. The struggle was inside of me. The rest of the world seemed to be functioning fine. Now, I get it!

Don’t Take Anything Personally. I stumbled upon resources that entered my life at the perfect time. Author Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a game-changing book called, The Four Agreements. The second agreement is, “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” Whether someone says something positive or negative, it is someone’s opinion and viewpoint from their own lens of life experience, knowledge, and education. Two or more people can look at the situation and all provide different feedback – all from their own lens. I learned that their viewpoint is theirs. I do not need to internalize it nor take it personally. I can say, “Thank you for the feedback.” And literally examine it for its usefulness and toss it away if it had no use. What matters is what you think and no one else. Otherwise, you can get caught up in believing “you are not enough”, shrinking or holding yourself back, or caught in the cycle of people-pleasing. Sadly, I once did.

Every Event IS Neutral. The next resource that came my way was a book called, What My Soul Told Me by Richard Barrett. In one of the chapters, he talks about eliminating subconscious fear-based beliefs in your life and shares several strategies you can use to deal with fear-driven emotions. The strategy that resonated with me the most was “Every Event IS Neutral” – seemed simple enough. He used this mantra whenever he was slightly irritated or upset about something,

“Every event is neutral. I just gave this situation all the meaning it had for me. Why did I choose to give it this meaning? What is the fear I am holding onto that made me choose this reaction? What is the fear I am holding onto that made me choose this reaction? What need do I have that is not being met?”

The reason every event is neutral comes back to one’s perception of reality. Everyone has their own interpretation of how they see the world through their lens. What you believe is your reality. When you have a belief is your truth. The question is, “Is your truth – universal? Does it apply to everyone?” In most instances, you will realize that the thought or belief you have is not. Therefore, the belief loses its power. Events and situations only have the meaning we give them.

Maybe So. Maybe Not, We’ll See. In my book, Let’s Be Curious, I share the parable of the Chinese Farmer, “Maybe So. Maybe Not, We’ll See.” It goes like this:

‘A farmer and his son had a beloved stallion who helped the family earn a living. One day, the horse ran away and their neighbors exclaimed, “Your horse ran away, what terrible luck!”. The farmer replied, ‘Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll See’.

A few days later, the horse returned home, leading a few wild mares back to the farm as well. The neighbors shouted out, “Your horse has returned, and brought several horses home with him. What great luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

Later that week, the farmer’s son was trying to break one of the mares and she threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. The villagers cried, “Your son broke his leg, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

A few weeks later, soldiers from the national army marched through town, recruiting all the able-bodied boys for the army. They did not take the farmer’s son, still recovering from his injury. Friends shouted, “Your boy is spared, what tremendous luck!” To which the farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

 The moral of the story is that no situation can be judged as good or bad – only time will tell. Before jumping to conclusions, see if you can shift your perspective. “Maybe So. Maybe Not. We’ll See.” Trust that everything will work out – exactly as it should!

Learn from Your Triggers – They are a Reflection. I started to notice my mind calming down and being filled with a sense of peace. Wayne W. Dyer’s book, You’ll See It When You Believe It was brought to my attention. He suggests that we see people in our lives as our teachers. He states when we judge others to be behaving or not behaving in a certain way – they are reflecting a part of ourselves, and we should be ready to learn from them. Wayne Dyer said, “those who seem to cause you the most anguish are the ones who remind you of what you feel is either lacking or wanting in yourself. If you did not react at all, it would mean you were totally indifferent. The fact that you react, while preferring indifference, means there is something inside of you that gets hooked when you encounter that provocative behavior. It is your learning situation, not their problem.”

If you are struggling with emotions that have come to the surface, take notice of your reaction and ask yourself the following questions. Own your emotions.

·      Am I taking anything from this situation personally?

·      What am I choosing to believe about myself?

·      Is there any value in their opinion?

·      What is the meaning I am giving to this situation?

·      What is the fear I am holding onto?

·      Can I see this situation from a different perspective?

·      What is causing me to get hooked emotionally to this behaviour?

·      What do I believe I am lacking or wanting right now?

When you get to know yourself and your triggers, you can learn to show up differently. You may be one of those individuals who worry about how things are perceived by others – I was and sometimes still get caught up in it too. Remember, you get to ‘choose’ whether you will react or respond. A person’s behavior toward you says more about them than it does you. Stop internalizing that which does not serve you! Peace will follow.

My problem was not my problem – it was what I perceived the problem to be by the meaning I gave it. Chances are your problem is NOT your problem, either.

Debra Kasowski is 2X TEDxSpeaker, 3X Best Selling Author, Certified Executive Coach, and Podcast Host of The Millionaire Woman Show where she discusses topics of life, leadership, and business helping people live rich from the inside out. www.debrakasowski.com