Notes to Self: Stop Catastrophizing

I must remember to stop catastrophizing, it does me no good, and sends me into dark spots.

Stop catastrophizing it saps your energy and weighs you down.?

I remember when I was lying in my hospital bed, dealing with Trigeminal Neuralgia what the web describes as the most painful chronic pain disease a person can have.? It has been given the name “the suicide disease” due to the pain seizures being so bad.

I was catastrophizing and it had me fearing a life sentence of suffering, I was in the darkest spot in my life not wanting to live for another day let alone many years.? I had a Turkish proverb stuck in my head “if you want to die throw yourself in the middle of the sea and see how hard you swim.” I don’t think I was swimming a single stroke in this moment…. I was my own worse enemy. ?It reminded me DO NOT Catastrophize.

I knew this lesson as I had learned it many times from previous experience: ?I knew instead of focusing on this disaster story I had playing my head I had to focus on another mantra "This too shall pass."

During endurance events and adventures in the backcountry, I've learned that my darkest times are often due to building a story line of catastrophe.? A narrative that turns into a belief that the present challenge is insurmountable and then I just keep ruminating on it.

Take, for instance, my experience during the Moab 240 endurance race. At mile 160, my back failed, I was bent over and could not straighten up. I was having back spasms on almost every step. Every step was a battle. I could not see how I would do another five steps let alone 80 miles. It was so daunting I started having a pity party for myself. I started to just focus on all the pain and disaster that I was in.? Luckily, I became aware of this spiral and grabbed those thoughts and instead inserted …just five steps, then ten…. then walk for 10 mins, then walk for 30 minutes, now run for 5 mins…. and slowly built up to running again and got to that finish line.

The lesson? Catch yourself whenever catastrophizing, catch it and change it.? Realize you are telling yourself a story, one that is built into a future yet to be determined. Chunk the moment down, find the key positive moments to focus on and build from that.?

18 months from that hospital bed I am in no pain off all meds and 100% in remission. Such a different story then the one I built in that dark moment.

?