Notes from THE RATIONAL CAREGIVER: "The Unthankable"

Quick question: How important is it to think about premature mortality for caregivers? According to the website, AgingCare.com , 30% of caregivers die before the people they care for.

Call me: "The Unthankable." You read that right.

Let me just put this out there. You can’t thank me for being a family caregiver. It’s an unthankable job—and I don’t mean thankless. Hang on. Here’s why.

Caregiving is something many of us do because we love someone…We want the best for them and we believe we can help. It's a situation that often privileges your heart over your mind. What I mean is, you might rush in before you think about what it will mean to your own life.

Yes, you might feel that reference more deeply if you're of the Ricky Nelson generation like me. And believe me, some of the stats on caregiver survival in your 70s will make your eyes pop: According to Caregiver.org, some 63% of elder caregivers die before the people they care for due to the consequences of stress.

You can find studies that say caregiving improves your quality of life, and there is much to be said for the emotional reward of preserving your loved one's quality of life for as long as possible.

Caregiving can be its own reward. Unless you’re my caree (rhymed with Paris if you are in France), please know, though, I’m not doing it for you or your gratitude. Some hefty cocktail of joy hormones is likely my inspiration and my downfall.

It’s nice and thoughtful of you bring a present or food, but it’s not what I really need. What I really need is time, and there’s no 24-hour convenience store selling that…or if there were, I would not be able to leave my loved one alone so I could go to pick it up.

In lieu of time, I’d like recognition. Of my role and my needs. That often seems as elusive as time, but it’s within your grasp if are reading my words. In fact, recognition from the universe of professionals and the constellation of friends and family would give me back some of the time I lose to hanging on the telephone, being ignored when I have questions, or disrespected for my opinions or questions. I’m not regarded as an equal member of the team that’s supporting my LO (Loved One—technical term)--and that's where the stress comes in.

I could go on,? but I hope you see some of what’s challenging me and transforming me into something even I don’t like. So you can’t thank me, but you can recognize that I need help so I’m not on call 24/7/365. Can you sit with your old buddy (not me--I mean the person I'm caring for!) for an hour even if your buddy can’t speak or laugh any more? Can you come and speak to him or her of good memories past? This person may not be able to respond verbally, but the words and feelings can still mean something to the heart. He or she needs an endorphin boost, too, and after 6 weeks with no relief, your visit while I go to the supermarket and check out fresh, unbruised? melons would replenish me, too.

What? A hour is too much? I was hoping you could give me a morning...No?

Can you give me a half hour?

I’ll put it on my calendar. And I thank you.