Notes from a Mental Health Sabbatical: We Need to Talk about Workplace Trauma

I am 25 years old in this picture. I am working in a city newspaper office. I was a Features Writer by designation, but gradually, also became a sub-editor, editing whole pages of stories before they got published in the city's supplement. I wrote my own stories, and often, more than re-wrote others' stories in the name of editing. I wrote local stories on NGOs, food, city 'trends', music, theatre. I made life-long friends and expanded my circle of inspiration.?

In this picture, I am also living through a horrible relationship. A partnership that drained my self-worth every single day. Incapable of judging the health of relationships, I stayed in it for years. I am also depressed and anxious every single day, but also used to being extremely functional. I laughed and was articulate, I wrote well, I took on responsibilities, I travelled and experienced new things. But inside, I was also rotting away because of shame, abuse, confusion, and indirection. I had no mentors or informed parent figures. When I faced scary harassment on a work trip with a male colleague, I kept quiet, because I thought no one would care and I had no 'proof' to produce.?

I left this job after two years of work to gingerly dip my toes into freelancing. Freelancing, I thought and hoped, would help me find some professional control. The day I left, we cut a cake and I made some sort of a stumbling speech through which I laughed awkwardly. At the end of the day, I said bye to my team lead, and she chuckled and said to me, "So, what are you going to do now, get fatter?" Nice touch!

I am thinking back a decade with this photo because I am on a mental health sabbatical. In the 16 years that I have been actively working, I have moved through many unstructured workspaces and survived much helplessness and harassment. It adds up, and it breaks you.?

I don't like to assign people convenient descriptors of 'strong' and 'weak'. I feel these are unfair terms that offer no view of context and of systemic disadvantage. I will, however, say this - at 25, I did not want to navigate nonsense and be perceived as 'strong'. I wanted to work, I wanted to write and start to make my mark.?

When we walk into offices, or log onto virtual team meetings, we forget that every person there comes with their own fears, emotional baggage, and pressures to perform well. Or to be perceived as being performing well, in spite of what must be happening in their lives otherwise.?

I am writing this because as I have been dedicated to healing myself in the past few months, I have been surprised by how big the accumulated trauma of workplace harassment and condescension has been in my life. From established press offices to start-ups to NGOs to PR companies to 'feminist' organisations, I have experienced quite a lot and quite a lot of bad.?

Today, more than ever, I realise the importance of belonging to a workplace that is kind, inclusive, and genuinely compassionate. It has taken me 16 years of working through crushing depression, anxiety, abuse, and illness to realise that while our personal lives may be different zones, our workspaces are enmeshed into our identity. This is why we get so affected by what happens in our offices. This is why we expect better from a workspace. This is why we believe the words on an organisation's website and expect it to live up to its stated principles.?

I am writing this because, in my 20s, I had hoped to learn the ropes of professional behaviour and conduct. And found most places to be a toxic mix of misbehaviours.??

I am tired. Of unhealthy, unrelenting workplaces. I want to help build spaces now that are inclusive, respectful, and averse to harassment of any kind or form. I commend all the persons in my network here who are constantly raising their voices to hold organisations accountable. They, for me, are change-makers.?

I am aware of people calling out the naiveté of expecting an office to be a 'good' space. But, I didn't ask for ideal or perfect. I am asking for respectful and safe. I am asking for inclusive and accountable. If this is too much to ask, then we need to ask why. Why is it ridiculous to ask for our workspaces to be safe and healthy? If I am expected to bring my best every day, why am I not allowed to expect an equally supportive work environment?

I write this today because I am thinking about my 25-year-old self and wondering, how would it have felt for her to have found a better workplace? How would have life turned out differently? I am also thinking, damn! I have been through some major sh*t and worked through it non-stop!

As I heal and plan my next steps, the thought of living through more workplace trauma is, frankly, scary. I know I will move on as I always have, but am I going to just silently accept voicelessness and bad treatment anymore? No. No one should be forced to.?