Notes on Couples Therapy.

Since launching my psychotherapy practice, I have had the privilege to work with a growing number of couples. In the process, I continue to develop a list of insights regarding couple's conflict and repair.

In this article, I'd like to share with you two insights that stand out for me from my work in couples therapy. These insights are also transferable to relationships between siblings, friends, or business partners.

Insight #1: The Gaps Between Stories Are Often Grand Canyons.

We see things not as they are, but as we are. -Unknown

In my clinical work, I often find that each party's story is significantly different from that of their partner's. Sometimes, the couple's stories are so dramatically different that I suspect one of them might be acting.

The truth is, there is no acting taking place. Both parties are sincerely conveying what they are seeing and feeling. So how could the gap be so big?

Based on my observation, the answer lies in their perspectives. Despite their physical proximity, couples often hold perspectives that are fixed at extreme opposite poles.

A study by Epley & Caruso (2004) found that people often guess what their partner is thinking by starting with their own views, and then slightly adjusting. However, their adjustment isn't always accurate - especially under stress - leading to a misunderstanding of their partner's true perspective.

In my opinion, if a couple experiences these perspective gaps on a long-term basis, they will find it challenging to live in peace, much less happiness.

Yet there is lots of hope for couples who are able to reduce or eliminate these gaps; one of the keys to achieving this is for each party to see, and embody, the other's perspective.

I use several interventions to promote embodying of the other's perspective.

One of these I call "Role Reversal": I ask each party to pretend to be the other, and speak as faithfully as possible from that perspective. This intervention almost always builds new perspective for the party who is reversing roles with their partner, while giving the other party the comfort of knowing that their partner understands their position.

Insight #2: Communication Takes Place Through Secondary Emotions.

I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief. -C.S. Lewis

In my experience, most couples who experience conflict use Secondary Emotions as a dominant mode of communication. Secondary emotions include Anger, Contempt, Dismissal, and Apathy; they're called secondary because they emerge only after a Primary Emotion has taken place.

Primary Emotions are the instinctive, hardwired signals that always occur first in our bodies. The most common primaries we experience are Fear, Sadness, Shame, and Joy.

Why is this distinction so important for couples?

Due to their abrasive and/or aggressive nature, secondary emotions are acidic and corrosive to relationships. They are almost never a viable relationship tactic.

In contrast, primary emotions almost instantly create high relatability and enhance human connection. Therefore it is unlikely for a couple to experience conflict when communicating through primaries. (I wrote about primary and secondary emotions in this article.)

I use several interventions to promote communication through primary emotions.

• One of these is the Cycle of Emotions, during which I ask each party to speak to their partner purely from each primary emotion: Sadness, Fear, Shame, and Joy. This intervention produces remarkable softening and connection between the couple; after all, they are hearing their partners express emotions and thoughts they have never heard before.
• Another intervention is Incident Analysis, during which I ask the couple to walk me through a recent conflict-ridden incident. We break the incident down, frame by frame, and then investigate the primary and secondary emotions that took place in each frame. Then I invite the couple to brainstorm ways they could have shown up with their best selves in that frame; the couple then role plays their best selves. This intervention generates a form of relationship rescripting in real-time.

Next Steps

It's important to note that every couple's journey through conflict is unique. The dynamics of each relationship are shaped by many factors: personal histories, communication styles, individual emotional processes, and external stressors.

To that end, the insights I shared above only as a starting point for exploring couples conflict and repair.

If you are experiencing relationship conflict, I recommend contacting a couples therapist in your area (you can also search for a couples counsellor or a marriage counsellor).

I hope you find this helpful.

References:

Epley, N., Keysar, B., Van Boven, L., & Gilovich, T. (2004). Perspective taking as egocentric anchoring and adjustment. Journal of personality and social psychology, 87(3), 327.

I am a Psychotherapist and the director of Intermind. I help individuals, couples, and families overcome their mental health and relationship challenges, using evidence-based psychotherapy. I am also a Mental Health speaker, and host of the podcast The Brief Therapist with Tom Skotidas.