Note to Self: On People That Listen

“It’s a deep pleasure to be listened to properly – we become cleverer; more charming; more thoughtful – more like our real selves - in their company” - From A School of Life Postcard

In the continued spirit of self-assessment, I have to admit that I would like to be a better listener. Family and friends actively avoid going to the cinema with me because I am the “what just happened there?” and “why did she kill him again?” voice in the dark. The thing is this; I get distracted and I have tried to get under the skin of why full and uncluttered attention is something I have to constantly work at. I figure, some of it, comes from being one of those people who live life 30 minutes ahead of where they are now - I am not always in the present moment. Lives are fast and mastering pace every day is tough for all of us.

When I mentioned this at work recently a colleague said they felt the same – that somehow this felt like more of a universal experience than we both may think. We agreed that everyone loves the sensation of being listened to but being properly listened to, deeply and comprehensively, is less common than many of us want. Apparently “we fall in love with people who listen to us, we vote for people who listen to us, we buy the products and services of people who listen to us.’’

The ability to listen is one of the most profound influencing skills available to us. Yet, in a recent CIPD analysis on answers in job interviews, the question “what is your greatest strength” was met with a disproportionally low response signalling listening skills 

So, I have begun to study great listeners both in Accenture and outside and I see some central tenants, some honed skills, that bind them. For everyone who is a natural introvert (including me), this is meant to be one of the skills we are best at. My observations so far on the five things great listeners do:

1. Approach a conversation with a seek to understand mindset and don’t jump to solve or to fix
2. They acknowledge what you said and play it back to check they have understood it – whether they agree or disagree with it is immaterial
3. They rarely interrupt or speak over anyone – their share of voice is often less than others and meaningful when spoken
4. They are the masters of carefully crafted questions – looking to clarify and distill until they get to the essence and intent 
5. They don’t judge the quality of the conversation – they let you wander around in your thoughts and don’t move to summarise what you have said, as though their simplification of your thinking is always what’s needed

It’s a work in progress. I will continue to study and hone this skill, speak less and listen more, hour-by-hour, day-by-day until it is intrinsically who I am becoming; until it is innate.