A Note to Parents

As parents, we have an obligation to our children to provide them with the best life possible. We are the role models that they imitate and the foundational standard on which their core values are built. If our marriages or relationship break apart, and we have children, we remain partners in raising and shaping their lives. This issue is close to me. I know first-hand how destructive it can be when parents break up and do not commit to a shared partnership in raising their children. The result can be catastrophic and lasting.

I have two sons. One from my first marriage and one from a second relationship. I’ve been through two custody battles with my second son’s father who, for the sake of simplicity, I will call, CX. The first time I filed for child support, CX responded by filing for full custody. (It’s not that he was not contributing financially, he gave me “something” when he felt like it.) It’s not easy to get custody from a mother who has never been in trouble with the law, had no history of drugs or abuse - who goes about working, raising her children and is committed to getting an education. Thus, CX set out on a course to destroy my character and reputation by any means necessary. He plotted and schemed and told lies about me to anyone who would listen. That I was abusive, a criminal with a record of arrests, crazy, routinely threatens and physically attacks people are only a few of the horrific claims he made about me including calling the DCFS. In fact, he convinced a woman he was dating, who had never met me - to call DCFS on me. He didn’t stop there. He went after my first son and my friends. I took out an order of protection against him; he took out an order of protection against me. The first time I filed, I ended up dropping the case to end the war. He backed away, and I maintained custody of our son. Evidently, I was no longer a crazy, criminal, abusive mother.

Several years later, around (2010) I decided to go back to school to complete my Bachelor’s degree. I was working as an insurance agent and would have to cut down on my hours. I needed financial help. I filed for child support again, and again CX responded by filing for full-custody and executed an all-out war on me using the same lies and intimidation methods as the first. This time, I did not drop the case. His lies were so destructive, I felt it necessary to fight for my son and defend my name even though I knew that I was going to lose. You see, I was a single, struggling mother who had spent years trying to finish my bachelor’s degree. CX was a lawyer, with a Ph.D., an ex-police officer, a marine and at the time of the trial, he was running for Mayor. He had no qualms about telling lies about me and using his credentials to position himself as credible. Despite there being no evidence to his claims, I was rendered invisible and labeled angry and hostile. No one asked him the fundamental question, “Why is it that the two times that you have filed for full custody is in response to my filing for child support?” 

At the end of the trial, I was offered joint custody, and I refused, (but that's not the story he tells.) I realized that there was no way to raise a child in an equal partnership with such an individual. Most importantly, if one of us didn’t step away, we would destroy our son. I was granted comparable visitation to divorce dads who did not have primary custody, including every other weekend, holidays and extended summer vacations when school was out of session.

I didn’t speak with CX for almost seven years after the ruling and in many ways became a sequestered figure in my son’s life. I treasured visits with him and avoided CX at all cost. I didn’t go to my son's events where CX was present to avoid conflict. I didn't get involved in my son's school activities even though I would have given anything to be that parent. I am someone my son deserved to know as his mother in the fullest and I him. And yet, CX's hatred of me and the need to control our lives made it impossible. Our son is now almost seventeen. I recently became aware that CX is still out there telling lies about me. And I remain under the clouds he created, still defending myself from his lies.

Leaving court that day is among one of the most difficult times of my life. I cried for a long time. But one day I picked myself up, lifted my chin and stepped back into the world. In 2012, I graduated with my bachelor’s in Communication from Benedictine University. In 2014, I graduated with my Masters in Written Communication from National Louis University. And in 2018, I graduated with my Ph.D.in Community Psychology, also from National Louis University.

Why am I telling this very personal story? Stories are important. It’s through stories that we learn from each other and about ourselves. If we don't play a part in telling our story, someone will write their version and call it truth. And most importantly, we need to stop hurting our children.

And so, to parents, especially those who have parted ways but have children in common, commit to being partners in raising them. Invest in the success and growth of each other, that’s an investment in your children. Be each other's back-up partner and protect your children and the integrity of your relationship above all else. Put down your swords, take your children out of the courts, sit down at the kitchen table and work out a plan that is conducive to maintaining a cohesive partnership in raising your children. It’s senseless not to – time moves fast, and one day they will leave home and we will be left clutching our memories. Make them good ones.