‘The Northman’ … whew.

First, let me say that I struggled mightily to write a review of this movie, for a number of reasons.

Is it one I would recommend to friends and family? No.

But let me explain.

First, it’s a good enough story: a young Viking prince witnesses his father’s murder and knows he’s probably next, so he runs away. I’m not giving anything away here, this is the backbone of the whole film when he returns to avenge his father’s killing.

Second, that basic story of redemption and revenge could easily have been told in, oh, 45 fewer minutes than the movie’s 2 ?-hour run time.

And one of the biggest reasons it ran so long, in all honesty, was apparently so director/writer/producer Robert Eggers (who previously gave us The Witch and The Lighthouse) could cram as much blood, guts and gore as possible into it, way beyond the point of, you know, serious overkill.

I mean, there’s more BG&G in this thing than you’d find at a prolific Texas abattoir. It reached my ‘evisceration limit’ very early on.

It could have been far better, too, if it had focused more on that main character, Prince Amleth (played quite skillfully by Alexander Skarsgard) from the get-go, and his relationship with the sorceress Olga (equally well-acted by Anya Taylor-Joy).

But Eggers obviously opted for seemingly endless scenes with peripheral players – too ?many to mention – which kind of proves my point.

Then there were the exceptionally-hyped supporting stars, like Ethan Hawke (barely a cameo), Willem Dafoe (mostly unrecognizable in his brief screen time) and Nicole Kidman (who does a good job as the scheming Queen Gudrun, Amleth’s mother). They’re all somewhat pivotal, but come across as nearly afterthoughts in the grand scheme of things.

Though I’ll admit that Icelandic pop star Bjork milked her face time to the max as ‘The Seeress’ , a mystical entity who predicts much of what transpires in the yarn.

After the first half-hour of this cinematic ordeal, I started looking at my watch, which is never a good sign.

I will confess up-front that I’m not now and have never really been a fan of ‘slice-and-dice’ movies.

And to convert what should have been an epic tale of Viking lore into the product that ended up on the big screen is simply a shame. It simply would have been light years better without the gory stuff, which could have easily been implied but not zoomed in on.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, The Northman is rated R and, not long ago, would likely have been given an ‘X’.

You should not allow any children to see this, even if accompanied by an adult.

But if you like this kind of stuff … <sigh>

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