Normalize Your Sex Life

“Hey Sabrina. What’s the normal amount of sex to have? Like how often is everyone else doing it?” Oh, do I get asked this question all the time. Way more than you would think. It seems like we’re all wondering how much sex others are having, and coincidentally, we all think everyone else is having way more sex than we are. And assuming that since we must be having way less sex than is normal, then we are inferior.

Because if we are “only” having sex once a week, or once a month or once a year, and everyone else is totally having sex at least 5 days out of the week, then something is wrong with us, right? I can almost always hear the wheels spinning in someone’s brain as they are worrying that they are not having enough sex. Sometimes I get people who are a little worried they are having too much sex, but very rarely. Most seem to have convinced themselves of their sexual inferiority because they are not having enough sex.

Well, if you have ever found yourself wondering “am I having the same amount of sex as everyone else? Am I normal?” Have I got good news for you. I guarantee you that whatever amount of sex you are having (or not having) is totally normal. And I guarantee that nothing is wrong with you (unless you are experiencing unwanted pain with intercourse, then seeing a doctor is probably a good idea.) How can I guarantee that without even really knowing you? Well, because there is no “right” or “normal” amount of sex to be having. I have said it before and I will say it again, the only “right” amount of sex is whatever is right for you and your partner(s).

I think over the last few years there has been a trend towards equating sexual liberation with “having a lot of sex.” Whether consciously or not, society has moved to this mindset that sexually liberated people are out in the streets, fucking everyone that comes along, and they are spending every night all loved up and cuddling and that the secret to full sexual liberation is…. Nonstop 24/7 fuckfest. But it really isn’t. Sexual liberation is about letting go of all the shame and the fear and feeling like it is ok to embrace yourself as a sexual person. And trusting that you know what is best for you and your life sex life. It is about listening to yourself when it comes to your sexuality, rather than listening to society and what they say is “normal.”

One thing I really try to work on with my clients is examining this idea of “normal” sex. And what is “normal,” versus what was just fed to us as “normal.” Cause if you asked a cis-het man then I bet he would say “normal” sex is when the penis goes in the vagina. But what about sex with two women? There is no penis to go in the vagina, and they’re still having normal sex. And what about two men? There is no vagina to put the penis in, and yet they’re still having normal sex. What if there are multiple penises and multiple vaginas? That’s still normal sex.

And the sexual orientation that is so often forgotten – asexuality. People who identify as asexual are still sexual beings, they just don’t have the same desire to have sex as others do. And so for them, the act of NOT having sex is normal. So sorry to tell you, but unless you are hurting someone who does not want to be hurt, then you are having normal sex. And you are having a normal amount of it.

I am not saying that it is bad to ask how much sex is normal, or to question if you are normal. I think questioning things is a…. normal part of being human (sorry, I had to.) We are curious creatures and most of us were not taught how to build a strong sexual foundation, and so there is still so much to learn! Maybe your questions about sex were always shut down when you were a kid or maybe you once asked a friend a question and you got laughed at so now you don’t feel like you can ask questions. That happens. And so it’s ok to have questions and to wonder if what you are doing goes along with the norm, as long as you remember that at the end of the day, what is right and what is normal is whatever is right for you.

If you are unsure of how to figure out what you want, and need some support building your foundation, then please reach out! I created Sexuality Without Shame to do just that – provide the education and the space to start building your foundation the way you want to. So you can ask those questions that you were once mocked for. I may not have all the answers, but that is because the answers are within you. You get to decide what is right and what is normal. I am just there to help guide the way. Head to this link for a free 30 minute consultation, I can’t wait to get started.