Non-possessive Empathy: Who's Owning It Anyway?

This summer, I participated in a transformative training with ACE Accelerated Coaching Experiences, Inc., where I was introduced to the concept of non-possessive empathy. This phrase resonated deeply with me, and I’ve been reflecting on its profound implications for the work we do at Nu Balance Consulting.

Non-possessive empathy is the practice of deeply understanding and sharing the feelings of others without trying to control, fix, or take ownership of their emotions or decisions. It’s about offering support and compassion while maintaining clear boundaries, allowing others to navigate their paths, make their decisions, and own the outcomes—whether those outcomes are successes or failures.

At Nu Balance, our mission has always been to build the capacity of leaders, not to do the work for them. We believe that when we decenter ourselves as the fixers, we create space for our clients to learn, grow, fail forward, and succeed. This approach aligns perfectly with the principles of non-possessive empathy.

A Personal Story: Shifting from Doing to Guiding

My experience with a multi-year client particularly illuminates the power of non-possessive empathy. Early in our partnership, I found myself taking on a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to creating systems and structures at their school. They relied on me, and I took pleasure in "supporting" them by doing much of the work myself. At the time, I thought I was being helpful, a value-add, “earning my consulting fee,” but I later realized that this wasn’t support at all. By doing the work for them, I was taking away the opportunity for them to build that muscle for themselves, while also wearing myself quite thin.

Recognizing this, I knew a shift was necessary. As a consultant, I pivoted my approach and clearly communicated the change to the client. With intention, I began coaching and building the capacity of their leadership team to do the messy, hard work themselves. Were there fumbles and falls along the way? Absolutely. But I’d rather see them fumble in the game than watch them fumble from the sidelines. Because you only truly learn when you’re in the game.

This shift wasn’t just about stepping back—it was about finding my worth and value in coaching from the sideline rather than being in the thick of the action. It required strategic action to teach through inquiry and exploration, providing enough scaffolding and support to push the client from a place of comfort to new discovery.

This year, with this new approach, the client’s leadership team is owning where they’ve been, where they are, and where they’re going. They see clearly their central role in making progress happen. I couldn’t be more proud because this is the power of our approach—it builds capacity and doesn’t just do the work for you. That’s what effective coaching and consulting is about.

Embracing Non-Possessive Empathy in Your Leadership

If you’re a leader or coach, I encourage you to explore the concept of non-possessive empathy. Reflect on how you can offer support without taking over, how you can listen without judgment, and how you can guide without directing. By embracing this approach, you not only empower others but also create a more collaborative, innovative, and resilient leadership culture.

At Nu Balance, we are committed to fostering this kind of leadership—one that is rooted in empathy, respect, and the belief in others’ capacity to grow and succeed. I’m excited to continue exploring and implementing non-possessive empathy in my work, and I invite you to join me on this journey.

Reflection Exercise: Discernment in Empathy

To help you discern between non-possessive empathy and its opposite—possessive empathy (where you might unconsciously take control or assume responsibility for others’ emotions or decisions)—consider the following questions:

1. Am I trying to solve or fix the problem for them, or am I guiding them to find their own solutions?
2. Do I feel drained or overly invested in their outcome, or do I maintain a healthy boundary?
3. Am I empowering them to own their decisions and outcomes, or am I subtly directing their choices?
4. How would this situation play out if I stepped back slightly—would they step up?

By reflecting on these questions, you can better understand when you might be slipping into possessive empathy and how to course-correct to a more non-possessive approach. This practice not only enhances your leadership but also empowers those you lead to grow into their full potential.