Non-Judgment & Effective Listening

“My teenage daughter and I are not getting along very well and I have to admit, I’ve been bringing that stress to work with me."

It’s fairly common that my executive clients bring personal issues into their sessions because home affects work and work affects home. We humans are full organisms and I’ve found coaching is most successful when we look at our lives in their entirety. Yes, even when coaching within businesses.

Upon further inquiry I learned that her daughter was accusing her of not listening and they were at odds, either avoiding or blowing up at each other.

I asked her if her daughter’s beef had any validity…“Do you listen?” “I feel like I do; I try,” she said.

Upon further inquiry I learned that when her daughter speaks to her, she (Mom) tends to interrupt to set her on the right path. An example might be:

Daughter: “I wanna go to Susy’s house this weekend.”

Mom: (starting to say this right after the word “house”) “Susy’s again? What about spending time with your other friends? It’s good to have more than one friend.”

Daughter: < walks away in a huff and slams bedroom door >

It’s natural for parents to try to educate, steer, and protect their children, I get it!

The question becomes…Can you do that AFTER you listen? It may be worth the effort.

• Can you listen in a way that puts your parental role aside for a limited time to create a space of non-judgment so you can really hear what’s being said?
• Instead of interjecting, can you ask a follow up, open-ended question with real curiosity and openness?
• Can you push yourself to ask 2-3 more curious, open-ended questions (no statements) before you slip back into your parental role?

If so, what might be different? I asked my client to experiment with the actions above. What she reported back a few weeks later:

• “The shift has been night and day – we seem to be getting along like we used to – maybe better.”
• “She’s telling me more things – we’re having real conversations.”
• “I’m learning a lot about how my daughter thinks. I realize how valuable this is because she won’t be here with us forever. I have to say, I’m pretty impressed.”
• “And…I’m feeling a whole lot less stress.”

Where in your life or work could you try putting your own agenda, judgments and fears aside to really hear what’s being said? What might you learn? How might that shift something in that relationship or in your work/life as a whole?

Experiment, then experiment again. Keep what you like and leave the rest. That’s what The Self Leadership Lab is all about!

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Professional Women in Orange County CA - Your opportunity to learn and experience six specific High Level Listening Skills is right around the corner: April 20, 2018. Learn more HERE.