Non-Interference

The strangest, most magical thing happened in a team offsite my colleague and I facilitated last week. The team had essentially ‘hijacked’ our agenda (in a good way) and decided to tackle a tricky content topic that they wanted to work through in person. These are great people who care a lot about what they do, but there were also 17 of them, and a clear problem-solving process is not their strong point. I was nervous that, without good facilitation, they would get bogged down in details and leave the day feeling frustrated and dejected – a pattern we had seen repeat itself with them time and time again.

Still, their desire to work on this challenge was so strong that I had no choice but to hand over the flipchart marker. I left the room to update my co-facilitator and the team leader, who had also stepped out to discuss something briefly, and we ended up in a longer conversation about the future of the team. Twenty-five minutes later, we went back in and found that this team had reached agreement and agreed next steps. It was the fastest, calmest progress they had ever made. The part of me that likes to control outcomes was in disbelief, but the wiser part of me was impressed, and slightly humbled.

I couldn’t say whether they had gotten traction because they were just getting better at this, because their leader was not in the room, or because my co-facilitator and I were not trying to control the direction, and it doesn’t really matter. By not interfering, they had found their own way.

This principle of non-interference is one I’m exploring with several of my coaching clients. Used to leading from the front, many leaders believe it’s their job to set direction and ‘guide the ship.’ Yet it leaves them feeling overwhelmed and wanting to control way too many situations that are not really in their control. I spent an entire coaching session with one executive who was trying to work out the best way to exit someone on her team (does she stay for six months in another role or leave immediately), and finally said to her: “Is this your decision or her decision whether to take that other role for six months?”

In a complex, unstable world, many of us have a tendency to want to control everything to feel safe. But the truth is, we can’t. And often, by interfering, we muddy the waters even more. Sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing at all and see how events unfold without our intervention.

I love this verse from the Tao Te Ching, about how profound and subtle the ancient masters were. By being simple and yielding, the muddiest water clears as it is stilled. If you’re feeling bogged down by complexity, perhaps see what happens when you take a step back and let whatever is happening unfold in its own time. Perhaps it will resolve on its own, perhaps not. Whatever happens, it may be a chance to observe the mysteries of how systems operate in their own subtle ways.

About Friday Pauses

We can all sense how a lack of presence in our daily life affects the quality of our relationships, our ability to form real connections – and yet we struggle to set aside distractions. In my Friday Pauses, I want to encourage us all to do just that – pause for a moment and feel what it’s like to be present by reading a poem.

If you’re new to Friday Pause, here’s what I suggest:

• Minimize or close other screens.
• Put your phone on silent.
• Close your eyes and take a full breath in…and out. Maybe count to four on the inhale and six on the exhale.
• Read the poem below – out loud, if you can. It will slow you down and help you feel the words more.
• Take another deep breath in…and out.
• Resume your day.