Nomophobia anyone?

“I was in deep conversation with a friend when her phone pinged. She reached for her phone, flicked her eyes back at me and immediately went to work on her phone, whilst mumbling ‘uh-huh’ to me to signal I should continue talking. I felt I had lost her attention but chatted on for a while before suddenly stopping mid-sentence. She didn’t notice. Her fingers continued flying over her mobile, and she said mm-hmm into the silence. I felt like a fool and wondered why I was even sharing my time with her.”

Is this not the saddest thing you’ve read today?

This story was related to me yesterday and inspired some deep thought about our digital body language, an article I wrote last week. I even found a term for it: it’s called nomophobia (NO MObile PHOne Phobia) and describes the fear we have of being detached from our mobile phones.

We’ve all experienced some version of this at some point in time, and we may even have perpetuated it on occasion. Let’s explore when this happens, why it happens, what it perpetuates, and ultimately what it means.

This fixation on our mobile devices seems to be most prevalent in a social context, and I have to wonder why so many of us sit idly by and allow it. I’ve seen it happen during business meetings on occasion, yet to a far lesser degree. I’ve NEVER seen it during a job interview.

So, my question is, if we can sit through an hour-long job interview with our phones on silent, why on earth can we not sit through an hour-long lunch with a friend?

What is it about that little device that captures our attention and causes us to lose focus instantly?

Perhaps even more insidious though, is that so few people realise they do it. Or stop to consider how they might be making a dear friend or loved one feel when they do it. Or worse – how they are treating themselves. How you treat yourself is how you treat others, and this is why I have to write this!

When we’re talking and you suddenly jump onto your phone, you’re telling me that what I have to say is not important to you. You are prioritising electronic time over relational time, and that to me is dangerous ground. You’re making me question the value you see in me and in our time together. You’re creating a wedge in our relationship.

Now before you go and get your knickers in a twist about your aged parent whom you need to be available for, or your teenage child whom you’re expecting a call from, let’s just clarify this behaviour.

We all have people in our lives who take priority, and I’m not for a moment suggesting that you shirk your responsibilities. Keeping an eye on your mobile and actively engaging on it are two different things. I am suggesting that we become more mindful about managing expectations and curtailing behaviour that causes distance in relationships.

Most people would agree that it feels like disrespect to the bystander, but if we go slightly deeper, you are disrespecting yourself. Your inability to control and manage unanticipated interruptions means that you have boundary issues.

That right there is really what’s at the heart of the issue.

Your permeable boundaries mean you have no control. When you have no control, you live your life reactively instead of proactively. Then you wonder why you end up sitting in front of a coach or therapist bemoaning the fact that no one respects you.

I refuse to allow little electronic devices to control my life. I choose instead to pack them away when I’m physically with people, to put them on silent, to leave them in my handbag or my car. I choose to prioritise people over electronics. Relationships over notifications. I am committed to living a proactive life, a life where I am in control, and I get to choose what happens and when and how I respond.

I choose to respect myself, and in so doing I respect you too.

Give it a try? Your relationships might just thank you for it ???