Nobody Owes You Nice
Respect is important, but ‘nice’ is overrated
Being nice is not more important than being thinking critically
People’s feelings are not more important than social justice
I am both privileged and marginalized. I am white and (now) middle-class. I’m also Neurodivergent, Deaf, and not a CIS white male, so I belong to a few marginalized groups
Going with the theme suggested in my title, I’m saying fuck nice today. As such, this article will contain NSFW language, so if you find words offensive, you may not enjoy it. Frankly, I don’t care whether you do or not.
Sometimes growth requires being a wee bit uncomfortable, so hold your nose and put your self-righteousness aside for long enough to learn something, k?
What brought this?on
Two separate recent issues have come up which brought this to the forefront for me once again.
Ableism
I cancelled my Spectrum News (SN) subscription after receiving a divisive article in my email, one which seeks to silence Autistic researchers and self-advocates who call out ableism and eugenics.
“The paper was labeled ableist, eugenic, transphobic and intersexist.”—Brady Huggett
Accurately. Because it is.
Now we’re tone-policing
SN is supposed to be a source of information for the Autistic community. It’s supposed to highlight issues and research in the Autistic community, and most importantly, it’s supposed to provide a platform for Autistic voices.
Instead they allowed a harmful opinion article to be published, an entire article shitting on us for calling out oppression, eugenics, and bad research. This is some victim-blaming bullshit by SN.
If researchers don’t want to be called out for being ableist, then perhaps they should…. *checks notes*?… stop writing ableist shit, with a side of eugenics?!
Doubling down on the stupidity by writing shitty articles about how “mean” people are when they are outraged by actual ableist, eugenicist, harmful research which exploits and excludes Autistics is sure as shit not the way to win friends and influence people.
This is similar to what I’m taking about when we are teaching children they have to be “nice”.
No, they fucking don’t.
We should be respectful to one another, try to learn from one another. Nobody has to be fucking “nice” to anybody else. Nobody owes you nice.
And we sure as hell don’t have to be “nice” while pushing back against ableist, eugenicist shit from people who should definitely know better.
Are we supposed to approach with cap in hand, like Oliver Twist, and ask “nicely”? “Oh, please, do stop oppressing me? I’d be ever so grateful!”
Fuck “nice”, today I’m going for mean and meaningful.
Cultural appropriation
A separate but significant issue is one impacting the Deaf community: The appropriation of our language and culture for attention, clout, views, as well as financial gain.
Hearing people, often (but not always) attractive, young white females who are just learning sign language decide it would be cute to post videos of themselves signing to songs.
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When Deaf people try to explain why this is problematic, people jump to the content creator’s defense. “They’re just trying to learn! Why do you have to be so negative? You’re gate keeping the language, don’t you want more people to know sign language?” And my personal favourite, “if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all. Live and let live.”
These are major red herrings, distractions from the real issue.
Absolutely, Deaf people want anyone and everyone to learn sign language. They are beautiful languages, and if more people could sign, things would be much more accessible for us. We are thrilled to share and teach our beautiful languages (I use plural here because there are many different signed languages, it is not a universal language).
One major problem is these hearing creators are not native signers, often they aren’t fluent, many aren’t even skilled in the language yet. They’re just learning (which is great), which means they make mistakes (as we all do). They are gaining attention and sharing incorrect signs, thus perpetuating and teaching wrong.
There are many incredibly talented Deaf content creators who do an amazing job of showcasing sign language and Deaf culture. Yet these attractive, young, hearing creators are putting themselves in the spotlight, instead of creating space for Deaf people to share our own language and culture — and to do so in culturally and linguistically accurate ways.
It’s more than?that
Sign language is not a party trick. It’s not a cute dance to put on to gain attention, followers, or money. It’s our culture, our language, and it’s essential to who we are. It’s also necessary for communication and accessibility.
Tone policing marginalized and oppressed groups when we are trying to advocate for ourselves is further wielding one’s position of privilege over us, trying to dictate how we should or shouldn’t self-advocate.
People who have been historically oppressed and treated as though we are a lower class of citizen have every right to be angry. We have a right to speak out against mistreatment and problematic behaviour.
We have the right to speak for ourselves.
When someone is trying to educate others on their lived experience, their own language, or their own culture, they are the ones who get to do the educating. If it’s not your lived experience, language, or culture, then shut up, take several seats, and learn.
Don’t talk over people, argue with their experience, or defend problematic behaviour when you are not the one impacted by it. Just as I cannot and will not speak for other communities, they cannot speak for ours.
If you want to learn sign language, by all means, please go ahead — they’re beautiful languages! Please learn from a Deaf teacher, and please don’t post videos of yourself signing on social media.
It’s not cute, it’s cultural appropriation.
? Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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